My conversations with HER - Part 20 – Written on 29th November 2011:
Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu
My dear Guruji,
During the first week of this month, after I returned to USA, the laptop at home "crashed" and while re-formatting it, my husband said that lots of "files" were lost...I hurried to check if all of my files were still there and when I saw my folder titled "Srividya online class" I was relieved....This past weekend, "something" told me to check it again & when I did, only the folder was present....I lost all the mp3 files, all of my "notes" that I had written down {I only have the sheets that I had printed and the video-recording of the online Srividya class}....As I was about to re-download the files from Devipuram website:
You, in the form of my inner Guru said "You don't need them anymore."
(cont) Happenings in October 2011:
It took me a few hours to write the previous "My conversations with HER - Part 19" article and all of that had happened within a minute or two on that day - 24th October 2011.....It was around noon that day and my son was banging on the bedroom door....I was still "hazy" from the recent "revelations" but I had other things to do and didn't think too much about the "revelations".
{As I type this: Why didn't I think too much about it??...Because when I had rejected Lalithamba Herself and only want to practically-experience BRAHMAN, what is "Adi Shankaracharya" if not an equally false, temporary and misleading identity}
I told my father that I want to visit the Maangadu Kamakshi Amman and Kanchipuram Kamakshi Amman temples the next day & asked him to make the necessary arrangements..My husband had to go back to AndhraPradesh that evening, to re-visit the "X family member" and he wasn't able to come to these temples.
As I realized the gift that my Guruji has given me, I also realized that I had forgotten to tell Him about the "Guru Dakshina" that I thought of giving Him..So,
Me: Lalithamba, it might take me a while to
email Guruji & let Him know, but meanwhile I'm telling YOU this - I give my-share-of-the-right-as-Pranav's
mother to YOU...From now on, YOU are responsible for his welfare.
I won't lie, I did feel sad for-a-moment that I had just
lost my son, as if I had given him up for adoption....And I thought
"What Divine Parents have adopted my son, if not Siva & Parvathy
Themselves.....Pranav is much better-off being Their son" and I didn't think about it thereafter.
That afternoon as I was lying down, my mother was trying to put Pranav to sleep and I told her "Don't talk to him....Just let him fall asleep by himself".....But like any-other-grandmother, she was telling him some stories and Pranav had a hundred questions to ask her....
Me: {Thinking} I told amma not to talk to Pranav...Let her sit & answer all the questions that Pranav has to ask.
And then as-simple-as-that
SHE: Just like how you are observing the conversation between your mother and Pranav, BRAHMAN is observing the conversation that the both of us have.
Me: So, that's what those articles meant...Didn't I read somewhere, on some article that Parvathy Devi asks Siva to explain "something" to HER about HER Vidya....I had often wondered "Why does SHE do that?? Doesn't SHE know HER own Vidya??....Why doesn't Siva say "Why are YOU asking me this?".....Why did HE have to explain it to HER?.........It is all symbolic isn't it Lalithamba?
Silence
Me: So, is it all representative of
Parvathy Devi = The "doubtful-thoughts" that asks the questions and
Siva = The inner Guru = the "crystal-clear answers"
Silence
And I fell asleep.
The next day, we left early to go visit Maangadu amman temple.....I thanked Kamakshi amman profusely for HER blessings, chanted the Maha Sodasi mantra while doing the "Adi Pradakshinam" {Walking technique wherein you take short steps, with the heel of one foot being placed where the tips of the toes of the other foot ends} and had a perfect dharshan of HER....Before leaving the temple, I had said "Whatever is the merit of chanting this Maha Sodasi mantra, I give it all back to YOU, dear BRAHMAN in the form of Maangadu Kamakshi amman....As we left the temple, it started drizzling and "something" told me that it was Goddess Kamakshi blessing me.
The rain soon became a terrible downpour and I hoped that we would reach Kanchipuram without any delay and we did.....It wasn't raining at Kanchipuram and "something" told me that it will rain, as soon as I "give-away" the merit of chanting the Maha Sodasi mantra {at the temple}......And as I stood before HER, I said "So, this is how YOU look Lalithamba"....I didn't remember visiting this temple during my childhood and was happy to finally meet HER....The only mantra that I chanted all the time was the Maha Sodasi mantra and as I did pradakshina around HER, I came to the "Adi Shankaracharya's idol"....I walked upto Him, chanted the mantra & told Him " SHE says that I am You.....I don't remember anything at all....If indeed that is true, You have to help me Shankara"....As I left the inner sanctum, I said "Whatever is the merit of chanting this Maha Sodasi mantra, I give it all back to YOU, dear BRAHMAN in the form of Kanchipuram Kamakshi amman."...There was a bookstore inside the temple premises and I wanted to buy a portrait of Bala {Bala Tripura Sundari} and Lalithamba, as I didn't have their pictures at home...As I walked upto the bookstore, there SHE sat, my Divya Guru - Bala Tripura Sundari and right beside HER was a 3-in-1 picture of Madurai Meenakshi, Kanchipuram Kamakshi and Kasi Visalakshi and since I had visited all these temples too, I bought that 3-in-1 picture as well....The shopkeeper seemed to have a divine intuition and used to randomly tell things to people, which was confirmed as true, by his customers....He told me 2 things, which were both true...And as Pranav walked upto me, he gave Pranav a locket and blessed him....It was a locket with an engraving of Srichakra on one side and HER idol on the other...As I started the pradakshina of the outer sanctum, it started drizzling, which slowly built-up to a heavy downpour as we left Kanchipuram.
SHE: Now you know what Adi Shankaracharya did when he visited all those places.
Me: {Thinking} Shankara, did you re-charge the energies of those places? Did You give away the merit of chanting whatever mantras You chanted??...I don't remember reading about it...This is why You should have written down your experiences Shankara, and not leave it upto people to guess what You did...See what SHE is telling me?
SHE: Now do you know why I asked you to write down your experiences?
Silence.
That evening, Pranav & I visited the neighbour's house...I sat talking about rudhrakshas and other spiritual topics and my neighbour showed me a rudhraksha that he had - a one mukhi round, nepal-variety rudhraksha, the size of a big yellow lemon....I had never seen one before and I thought "What a coincidence I got to meet HER and also HIS one mukhi rudhraksha - the Saksat Siva swarupa rudraksha, all on the same day"......As we left their house, he also gave Pranav a 5 mukhi rudhraksha bead {represents Lord Shiva}...It wasn't until later that evening that it struck me,
Me: Pranav got both HER Srichakra locket and HIS rudhraksha bead all on the same day...Siva and Parvathy have indeed adopted him as Their son.
{Pranav also wears rudhrakshas, since I started wearing them last year....Why at this young age??....Because "his body" may be 2 years old when he started wearing it but isn't "his soul" eternal??....I had thought "It took me 32 years to wear one...What a blessed child is he, to wear it, when he is just 2 years old !!}
It was around dinner time & my mother asked me to feed dinner to Pranav...And I thought
Me: Lalithamba, where are YOU?... It's YOUR responsibility to feed him dinner....I have handed over the responsibility to YOU.
SHE: When you read about the Maha Sodasi mantra, what did you understand of it?
Me: Well, theoretically speaking, it means that I am YOU.
SHE: Well then, theoretically speaking, who do you think is going to feed dinner to Pranav ??
Me: Very clever of YOU Lalithamba...So, YOU are not going to magically appear & feed him dinner??
Silence
Me: Oh right, I forgot.....That thing that Bhagavat Gita talks about ----- One who see action in inaction and inaction in action, That's what YOU were trying to teach me, wasn't it Lalithamba?"
Silence
Little did I realize that there were more things that I had to learn, for which "this Lalitha" had to turn into "Badrakali Herself" for the next few days...Three incidents happened which led to that, which led to what is quoted as:
"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." by William Congreve in The Mourning Bride of 1697.
Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu