Saturday, February 4, 2012

My conversations with HER - Part 18

My conversations with HER - Part 18 – Written on 27th November 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu,

17th October 2011:

I hurried to meet Guruji & as I entered the room, I saw Guruji talking to someone..I realized that I maybe interrupting them, so I thought I would come back a few minutes later but Guruji asked me to come on in.....As I sat next to Guruji, I suddenly realized that I didn't know what to say.....I was so busy in praying & planning to meet Guruji that I hadn't thought about what to say to Him, when I meet Him...So, I started with the usual, I am so-and-so and I come from such-and-such a place and just spoke whatever thought came to me.....You see Guruji, I didn't ask you anything related to Srividya because you {and Siddha Guru Swaprakasananda} have already given me the answer during the online Srividya class, by saying "Don't you think the mantras have the power to guide you?".....So, after some casual conversations, I told Guruji that I had come to meet Him and to get a personal deeksha from Him...What was this personal deeksha??....I had no idea....All that I knew, was that Guruji had told someone, during the online class that "Sometime in your lifetime, it would be good if you come and take a personal deeksha from me"....That's all I knew Guruji.

Guruji: What do you want?

Me: I will take whatever you give me Guruji...

You see Guruji, I couldn't ask you for anything, not with Sri Bhaskararaya makhi literally "sitting on my shoulders" and reminding me of my 'asuddha bhakti'

{As I type this: Guruji, I told you "I came to meet you and get a personal deeksha"....That by itself was me asking you for something --- a personal deeksha.....But at that time I didn't realize it Guruji....I indeed did have "selective amnesia".. }

And as I prostrated to your feet, I was reminded of some article that I had read & also a certain topic that was discussed during the online Srividya class...I vaguely remembered that someone, while talking about the Dasa Maha Mudras, had asked about a certain mudra, which when shown to a deity/person would enable one to "take away some of the power" of the deity/person.....Guruji had said something about how even if that were to happen, He believed that one can "re-charge" oneself and in-reality one doesn't really lose any of one's powers/energy....And also, didn't I read somewhere that the Guru’s feet are worshipped or revered because all the Guru’s shakti dwells in the feet....So, as I prostrated to your feet, I made sure that I didn't touch your feet....You see Guruji, I had thought "Guruji has already given me so much...I don't want to take away any of His Shakti.".......And that is why I didn't touch your feet Guruji.

Guruji, as you gave me "a mantra" and I repeated it after you, all that I recognized was that it also contained the 15-lettered Panchadasi mantra....When you told me the name of the mantra, all I heard was the "Sodasi" part because, as you noticed, my son Pranav was constantly bothering me & interrupting our conversations.....But I had read about the Sodasi mantra & how this mantra was kept in most secret and I was overwhelmed that you gave it to me...And that is why I asked you why this mantra is kept so secret and why it is said "Give away your empire and even your head, but never reveal the mantra"....As you explained and wrote on the nearby blackboard, I listened to whatever you said.....Though at-that-time I didn't 100% understand the meaning Guruji, I didn't want to bother you & ask you to again explain it to me......So, I had told BRAHMAN " Please remember what Guruji said and explain it to me later."

Me: Guruji, I have a very bad memory and I will forget this mantra even before I leave this place.

Guruji: Write it down

So, I grabbed my purse and my notebook & wrote down the mantra as Guruji repeated it and asked me to say-it-as-I-wrote-it.

And as I sat there, being overwhelmed and feeling very guilty that I didn't bring my Guruji anything...

Guruji: Come and give me a hug..

It was so difficult for me to not cry, to hold back my tears and I thought "Guruji heard me....He knows all about me, even all of my unspoken words"

All of my unspoken words:

During the last few weeks, as I thought of my Guruji, I had an overwhelming desire to hug Him.....I had thought "Doesn't a Mother hug her child and vice-versa??.....Isn't my Guruji = HER, and if so, why can't I hug my Guruji??.....Why do they say that one should only bow to the Guru's feet?? Doesn't my Guru reside in my heart, and if so, why can't I hug my Guruji?....Doesn't Hanuman say that Lord Rama & Sita Devi always reside in His heart....Can I hug my Guruji, will He let me??.......I didn't know if it was proper to do so but those thoughts/emotions did come to me....

And as I struggled to hold-back-my-tears and hugged my Guruji

Me: Guruji, what do I give you as Guru Dakshina?

Guruji: I don't want anything

And I thought "I'm still a beggar...I have only taken from Him.....What do I give Him?...How am I ever going to repay Him??"

You see Guruji, I had forgotten to tell you what I had decided to give you as Guru Dakshina.....I didn't remember to tell you that I have decided to give you my-share-of-the-right as Pranav's mother.....Such is my memory.

Pranav seemed all too eager to share his stories with Guruji and if I remember right Guruji, I think you hugged him too...I had thought "What a blessed soul is Pranav.....It took me 33 years to stand before my Guruji and Pranav is able to do it when he is just 3 years old."

I realized that there were people waiting outside to meet Guruji & so Pranav and I left.....As we prayed to the life-sized Khadgamala GODDESSs in Devipuram, there were a few names that I recognized from the Khadgamala Stotram and when I stood before Varahi Devi, I thanked HER profusely for HER blessings........Pranav was happy to go, see, touch and sometimes shake-hands with the GODDESSs and would ask me the names of each of them & I would read out from the label...There was a staircase that I noticed and Pranav & I climbed up to go & finally stand before HER - Goddess Sahasrakshi, known to me as Lalithamba...As we did pradakshina to Lalithamba, the following thoughts came to me:

  • Ask HER for a daughter. SHE will give it to you.
  • No, Ashuddha bhakti.....How can I ask HER for a pebble {i.e a daughter} when SHE has just given me a diamond { i.e what-I-thought-was-the-Sodasi mantra}.....I don't want a daughter.
  • Don't say that you don't want a daughter.
  • Ok. I don't want to say that I don't want a daughter.......Lalithamba, what are these thoughts coming to me?? Can't I atleast pray to you silently without these commentaries going on within me?.... Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

The lady who did the kumkum archana asked us to offer kumkum to HER Srichakra and so Pranav & I did so....The only thought that came to me was {in Tamil - Sri Chakra vasiniyae namaha……Sri Chakrathil irukira kodana kodi Devigalaku namaha }whose English meaning is "My salutations to the ONE who lives in Srichakra....My salutations to the crores of Devis who live in Srichakra"

And as Pranav & I thanked HER & we were about to go downstairs, the lady casually mentioned that there was another staircase which people usually use to climb up and the one that we had used was the one to go down.....I thought "Lalithamba, even the staircase that I took to climb up {to come to YOU} is the wrong one.....I just saw a staircase & climbed it....Anyway, it brought me to YOU & that's all it matters to me."

We then went to meet Guruamma, prostrated to Her feet & seeked Her blessings too...We went to the Kamakhya temple and I remembered it from the pictures that I had seen....The 1000 lingams were indeed a sight to see and I remembered seeing it in the "Devipuram empowerment video".....Then it was back to meet Guruji again to seek His blessings again & say bye to Him....I had just one question to ask Guruji

Me: Guruji, when should I chant the mantra that you just gave me?

Guruji: Chant it all the time.

We had lunch at the canteen in Devipuram, met a few volunteers there and also paid the money for the homas done during Navarathri....It was a blessed day and while on my way back, as I started chanting the what-I-thought-was-the-Sodasi mantra, I counted the letters

Me: {Thinking} There are more than 16 letters in this mantra...How could this be Sodasi?......But if I take the 15 letter Panchadasi as just 3 letters, then the count comes to 16....Maybe this is the way "Sodasi" is counted......How do I know??...They keep these mantras so secret.... What does it matter, if this is what Guruji asked me to chant all the time, it's good enough for me....

And as I chanted it, after a while, I could smell what-seemed-like-sandalwood.....I checked the car dashboard to see if the taxi driver had an incense burning and there was none...

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu