Saturday, February 4, 2012

My conversations with HER - Part 23

My conversations with HER - Part 23  - Written on 4th December 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu,

"Deadly" indeed is the combination mentioned in Part 14 of this series....I did continue to chant the Maha Sodasi mantra & offered the merits of chanting it, all back to BRAHMAN....Why did I continue to chant it?...Because if I was at the (n-1) stage, if receiving the Maha Sodasi mantra = me being HER, then, according to my assumption, I had just one more step to go, to merge with BRAHMAN....Just 1 step away......That's why.

Before I go on, let me mention some of the conversations that I've had with BRAHMAN

Some of the conversations that I've had with BRAHMAN:

Random thoughts, random musings but I've constantly thought of BRAHMAN....What began as a thought that Amar Chitra Katha - Tales from upanishads had made a 'spelling mistake' soon turned into something more curious....As my spiritual journey progressed, sometime in June/July 2010, I began saying "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu" once every Ekadasi, while offering the merits of observing the Ekadasi fast all back to Narayana....After Sivarathri 2011, once I started doing daily tarpanam, I said  "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu" every day, offering the merits of doing the daily pitru & karunya tharpanam all back to BRAHMAN....I had often wondered about IT, why noone answered my questions about IT.....I had asked IT
  • BRAHMAN, won't YOU talk to me?
  • Please don't tell me that YOU are the silence...That sounds so old fashioned
  • Who are YOU BRAHMAN?....How many times have I told YOU that I don't understand the language of silence?....If indeed YOU are silence, then 1) YOU have to tell me that, which I'm not sure how YOU will do it, if indeed YOU are silence or 2) YOU have to make me be silent.....So, until either of those 2 things happen, I will continue to talk to YOU.
  • I will find YOU BRAHMAN, one way or the other, I will find YOU and when I find YOU, I'm not going to be one of those people who say "Those who know IT don't talk about IT & those who talk about IT don't know IT"......Do YOU hear me BRAHMAN?

One day, while out of boredom in again having the same type of food for dinner, I had tried preparing a vegetable-cutlet-sandwich & it came out very well....I must have been very hungry that day, because as I was having my dinner I thought "BRAHMAN, when I write down my spiritual experiences, I will start writing by saying "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu" - meaning whatever I'm going to write I offer it all to YOU and will finish my writings by saying "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu" - meaning whatever I've written so far, I offer it all to YOU......My writings will be a "BRAHMAN sandwich" and YOU know what BRAHMAN?.....It will be yummy !!


Do YOU hear me BRAHMAN?....Yummy BRAHMAN sandwich.


And if I make any mistakes, it'll all be YOUR fault.


Won't YOU still talk to me?.....Even if I tell YOU that it'll all be YOUR fault??


Fine....One day I'll find YOU BRAHMAN.

I don't know about other people's spiritual journey, but BRAHMAN has played a variety of roles in my life --- from being my silent-partner, to being my assistant - whom I ask to remember things, because my memory is so bad, to my random musings....And by the time I reached this stage of my spiritual journey, BRAHMAN was almost at-par with Maha Sodasi Mantra - meaning - I would chant the Maha Sodasi Mantra and every few minutes later, would give away the merit of chanting the Maha Sodasi Mantra by saying "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu"....

Gradual Revelation of higher truth -

In-flight entertainment or in-flight enlightenment? :

Our vacation in India was coming to an end... It was time to head back to USA...I remember very well, this part of my experience....It was the Chennai - Brussells flight and since I couldn't sleep, I was chanting the Maha Sodasi mantra....The economy-class seats didn't have too much of leg-space and it was almost 7 hours that I had sat in one position and my legs were aching...And then as-simple-as-that, my thoughts were
  • O Ramana Maharishi, I don't know how You did it, but I feel the pain in my body....I'm not yet able to fully experience Your words that "You are not your body"...

  •  If Me = HER, and Me = not my body, then how can SHE be HER body?? If A = B and B = C, then A = C right??


  • So if SHE is not HER body and Me = not my body, then what remains?

  • The Self or BRAHMAN.....
  • There is no such thing as Lalitha Tripura Sundari......There is no such thing as Sri chakra......There is no such thing as Manidweepa.....It is all an illusion
  • Wait, wait, wait a minute, if there is no such thing as Lalithamba, then who was it that answered all my questions till now?
  • Who else do you think?
  • My SELF.....BRAHMAN, it was YOU......YOU answered all my questions.....So, YOU can talk, YOU are not mute, YOU are not dumb?
  • To the dumb, I appear as dumb
  • So Lalithamba doesn't have cancer?
  • When SHE doesn't have a body, how can SHE have cancer?
  • Hmm...That's a good point....

And it took me a while to let that all sink-in...And then I remembered that I was angry with HER, I remembered all the questions that I had asked HER

  • So, BRAHMAN, if YOU alone exist, then YOU are responsible for the mess in this world....Why did YOU have to go & manifest YOURSELF in different ways?....What happened to "family planning"?...YOU know -  we two, ours two....Why didn't YOU have censorship over YOURSELF?
  • What mess? What world?
  • What do YOU mean what mess, what world?...Weren't YOU paying attention when I asked HER all those questions?....If SHE doesn't exist, then SHE is not responsible for the mess and if YOU alone exist, then YOU are responsible for this mess in this world.
  • What mess? What world?


  • BRAHMAN Satyam, Jagat mitya --- BRAHMAN alone is real, the world is an illusion

A few seconds later...
  • So, BRAHMAN, none of this is real?....Wait, let me check....

And I pinched myself to see if I felt anything and I did...

  • BRAHMAN, I felt that one....It hurt....So how can it be?
  • A whole lifetime of thinking that you are your body can't be erased in just a second, can it?
  • That book that I've just started reading - Vasistha's Yoga also tells the same thing ---Cosmic Consciousness alone exists now & ever; in it are no worlds, no created beings

A few seconds later
  • But BRAHMAN, I know nothing.....I don't know any mantras by-heart.
  • Why do you need them when you know yourSELF - The answer lies within
  • Oh the answer lies within...Ok. Let's see.....What is {As I type this, I forget the exact numbers I said, it was whatever came to my mind then} 6528401382 x 3765020201......Why don't I know the answer?.....Why am I still blinking??
  • What answer is there to know when everything is ONE?.....When it is all ONE without a second....   1 x 1 = 1....That's all it is.

And I fell asleep.

The next part of our flight journey
  • BRAHMAN, then what are all those other Gods & Goddess?
  • Just a figment of MY imagination
  • So, it is all symbolic isn't it?
  • Lalitha = the playful one = the playful thoughts that tempt you......Siva = the inner Guru, which is MY another name.
  • So, that's what Guruji meant when He said in some article that "the GODDESS is deeply in love with you making you HER Siva".....So, that's what is meant by "Without Shakti, Siva is but a corpse"....Without thoughts, the mind is but silent.

It was almost 7pm on 31st October 2011 and we had just reached home....I realized that more than 44 days had passed, since I started the "Viraja homam" and I had forgotten that I had put BRAHMAN in-charge of my life {during my sankalpa}......BRAHMAN, who has so smoothly led me to mySELF...And I said

BRAHMAN, YOU are permanently appointed.

For the next few days, things were still a bit confusing...I had thought
  • "Didn't I read somewhere that "Brahmananda Meemamsa', a vedic hymn from the Taittiriya Upanishad talks about how the bliss of an enlightened being is several million times more intense than the joy that all celestial gandharvas, human beings and pitrus experience".........Maybe if I do the daily deva, rishi, pitru & karunya tharpanams now, the joy of these respective deva, rishi, pitrus and "karunya tharpanam category people" will be more.
  • What "Deva, Rishi, Pitru & karunya tharpanams category people"  when none exist?...When it is all ONE - The SELF
  • So, if I continue to do the tarpanamas, does it mean that I'm not THERE, with YOU?....Does it mean that I will step-out into duality?
  • The question does not arise
  • BRAHMAN, stop putting the blame on me...Could the question have come if YOU didn't want it to come...Give me an answer.
  • Who are you asking for an answer when the answer lies within?...When both the questioner and the one who gives the answer, are the same?

So, since 1st November 2011, I stopped doing my daily tharpanams....Why??.....Because it was a "catch-22" situation....If I do the tharpanamas, it means that I still thought that there were things like Deva, Rishi, Pitru & "Karunya tharpanams category people" and when I have practically experienced, when it has been theoretically proved that if A = B and B = C then A = C; hence Lalithamba doesn't have a body, how can I contradict mySELF ?

Sometime during the 1st November 2011:
  • BRAHMAN, why should I write down my experiences?....What is there to write when it is all an illusion? Who is the reader and writer of these series, if it is all ONE.
  • If people had thought that way, would you have benefited from all those writings that you had read, when you thought that "you were your body" ??...Also you now know that BRAHMAN alone is real....Your tarpanams until now have helped liberate "other beings" who thought that "they were their body"...Your writings will help others realize that BRAHMAN Satya, Jagat Mithya and all that is needed is a serious inquiry by a seeker.
  • But BRAHMAN doesn't it all sound like a "Multiple personality disorder" syndrome?.....Isn't there a chance that things will be misrepresented or misinterpreted?
  • Every human being has this "Multiple personality disorder" syndrome....Everyone of them identify themselves as the father/mother/son/daughter/husband/wife/friend/neighbour/employer/employee/devotee/non-devotee etc.....There are, but a handful of people who have absolutely identified themselves with BRAHMAN alone.....
  • Isn't that also because of YOU BRAHMAN?.....Why do you put the blame on others?


  • BRAHMAN, what is the use of these writings??....These will be, one among the writings of many people....Now that I have practically experienced that you can be given the Maha Sodasi mantra itself but unless SHE wills it, one will not realize what one has, isn't SHE the one who has to "evolve"?...Isn't the consciousness the one, that has to reach out {to help people} to help ITSELF?......Now that I know that SHE is very very tricky, what difference will it make?...Remember the saying that "You can only take a horse upto the water, you cannot make it drink"....At best, I can write down my experience but isn't it upto people how they interpret it??...Isn't it upto HER to determine the kind of thoughts people will have as they read these writings....How do I trust HER to give people the right thoughts?


  • BRAHMAN, just so that SHE doesn't again use HER tricks, can YOU please give me some "physical miracles"?.....Either way YOU look at it, at this stage, isn't it all YOUR doing?.........Just so that at some point in future, I don't wonder, just so that SHE doesn't make me wonder if this was all an imagination, can YOU please give me some "physical miracles in this world"?.....As proof that I'm having this conversation with mySELF - BRAHMAN.....Can you please make that rudhraksha tree at Arjunaacharya's house give one-mukhi-round-Nepal-variety-type rudhrakshas, the size-of-which-I-saw-at-my-neighbour's house?......BRAHMAN, here's further reasons why
1.      This thought in me, could this have come, if YOU hadn't imagined it to come?
2.      If everything is indeed an illusion and that is the message YOU want people to get, then in what way is one additional illusion going to matter to YOU?

  • Won't YOU do this?
  • The question does not arise...
  • Right!!..... I've spent a lifetime asking questions that I haven't yet learnt how to give answers...BRAHMAN, if I am YOU, then I"m not asking YOU...I'm telling YOU - my SELF.....It will happen.

A few hours later:
  • BRAHMAN, but if I'm having this conversation with YOU, does it not mean that there are 2 entities here - The questioner and the responder....How do I shut up? 
  • By just watching your thoughts and not getting carried away by them.

A little while later
  • BRAHMAN, even if I were to start writing, where do I start?....How do I write it down as if SHE answered by questions, when I now know that SHE didn't.
  • At that point of time, didn't you think it was HER?.....You write your experiences as-you-experienced-them.....Not as you now know them to be.

Whenever I would start to chant the Maha Sodasi mantra, my thoughts:

  • Why do you want to chant the mantra now, when you know that ALL is ONE?
  • But BRAHMAN, why are YOU asking me to disobey my Guruji?.....Didn't my Guruji ask me to chant this mantra "all the time"?
  • What did your Guruji tell you during the last online class?..The very last class?
  • Didn't Guruji say something like "Continue to do your sadhanas until it naturally outgrows you...Then you too can remain free like me and do nothing"....I don't remember His exact words.....

Sometime on 3rd November 2011:

  • BRAHMAN, YOU were paying attention to what Guruji told me when He answered my question on why the Maha Sodasi mantra is kept so secret....Remind me, what did Guruji say?....What was it that He wrote on the blackboard?

And I suddenly remembered that song "Shankara" from the Telugu movie Shankarabharanam.....And I also remembered the other song in the movie that always "moved" me whenever I listened to it....My telugu is not good enough for me to understand the full meaning of the song, but I understood the meaning of the 1st line of the song ---- Dora kuna ituvanti seva ---- Can I obtain a seva like this?....I had to 'google' to find the exact meaning of the song....And as I read the english meaning :

".... You vibrate inside my soul and you shine inside me as the life-sustaining light..."

"....As you glow inside me as my life and as my only God....."

MY GURU within me, said -- "Now you know what your Guruji meant"

And I knew the answer:

Guruji had said that the Maha Sodasi Mantra will help a person overcome the limiting factors of identification of:

  1. The seer and the seen - "I" and "You" concept
  2. Guru and disciple
  3. Shiva & Shakti
 and help a true sadhaka go beyond these three stages into the 'unlimited' space region...

HE had also said that the mantra could also be mis-represented to mean the physical union of the Guru with the disciple, but what it REALLY means is that, now the GURU is ONE with the disciple....HE said that I was now HIS Shakti.

When I wrote the "My conversations with HER- Part 7" series on 6th November 2011, it was then that I realized that I had asked HER for selective amnesia and then "something more" changed within me.....Lots more of it made sense....Pieces of the puzzle fell-in-place 

How was I to know if these thoughts are really coming from IT or if it was my laziness/ego which is thinking these thoughts?....So, I emailed Guruji on 8th November 2011 and told Him about some of these thoughts & asked for His help & guidance.

Guruji's response: Lalitha, Sri Chakra, You, I, Adi Shankara, all life are manifestations of one consciousness, which exists and knows. It is ego to think that consciousness is this and not that.

And I thought "Oh my dear Guruji, YOU just compressed the whole 108 Upanishads into 2 sentences....That last sentence alone answers ALL my questions"

Sometime on 11th November 2011, as I sat contemplating {well, not literally sat-down to contemplate but as I watched-my-thoughts}

The awareness within you is LALITHAMBA HERSELF also known as "The consciousness or BRAHMAN"....Your body is the Srichakra.....The various thoughts that have come to you in the past is representative of the 64 crores of yoginis in the Srichakra....The 'creation' and 'dissolution' method of the Srichakra Navavarana puja is representative of:

Creation method of puja ---- Represents how one goes from being caughtup by samsara, to watch, face & overcome the various kinds of thoughts in the mind and ultimately realizing that Shiva & Parvathi are representative of the GURU within and the VERY LIFE in your body respectively. {As I type this now: Parvathi is representative of the LIFE that moves Siva, the thoughts that ask the questions and Siva = the inner GURU = the crystal-clear answers}

And when one realizes THAT and becomes ONE with IT, then

Dissolution method of puja ---- Represents how one goes on to "break-free-of-the-rules-of-society" to go back to living the life of a 'jeevan-mukta'.....Whenever a thought comes that "Should I continue to chant 'xyz' mantra or do 'abc' pooja", just "watch-those-thoughts" and don't get caughtup in them.

A few days ago, as-simple-as-that :
  • So that's what is meant by "Only someone who is chosen by DEVI gets Sri Vidya. It is said you do not choose Sri Vidya, but Sri Vidya chooses you. When you get it, when you look back, you will see how you have been guided slowly and surely to your Guru.".......DEVI here represents the "thoughts-that-chooses-to-quieten-down", leading you to your inner Guru...Slowly but surely...Srividya = atma vidya = BRAHMAN alone is real.....Even the above sentence is symbolic.

As I type this:

Guruji, these are, in brief, some of my spiritual experiences.....There are still lots of things that I have left out...Why??....Oh Guruji, because my life is "boringly-full-of-miracles"

  • BRAHMAN, but if I'm having this conversation with YOU, does it not mean that there are 2 entities here - The questioner and the responder....How do I shut up? 
  • By just watching your thoughts and not getting carried away by them.

How Do I watch-my-thoughts?....This is how:
  • Great..No thoughts now when I asked for the thoughts to come...
  • What am I doing now? Typing up all this when I should be preparing lunch....It's already 11am this sunday and I have tons of work to do before tomorrow..
  • Maybe these writings can wait until later...
  • Or maybe not, I have to write & finish this series soon.
  • Did 5 minutes just pass away now when I closed my eyes??
  • Don't type all your thoughts....It sounds silly.
  • Lalithamba, is that YOU being playful again..Why did YOU give me that thought?
  • How many times have I told YOU not to respond to the thoughts??...Just watch your thoughts..
  • Watch the thought that said "How many times have I told YOU not to respond to the thoughts??...Just watch your thoughts.."
  • Watch the thought that said "Watch the thought that said "How many times have I told YOU not to respond to the thoughts??...Just watch your thoughts.." "
  • Watch the above thought..Don't respond
  • It is going to sound very very silly writing down all this...
  • 64 crores of yoginis indeed...Double-edged sword indeed
  • That's enough of thoughts.....
  • Just watch-your-thoughts
  • Did you just write down SILENCE?...Why didn't you just observe the SILENCE?

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu