Friday, February 3, 2012

My conversations with HER - Part 1

My conversations with HER – Written on 5th October 2011

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

The instinct to pen down my journey has been there for a while and though I didn't act on it too much, lately it has been overwhelming....These 'conversations' are thoughts within my mind and I''m able to recognize HER talking to me because as soon as that thought comes, there is a sense of calm, relief, like an answer has been found....Two or three days ago, as I was preparing the evening dinner,my thoughts were oscillating between Lalitha Devi & Adi Shankaracharya....

Me: O Lalithamba, isn't it because YOU were with Sankaracharya that he was able to answer & defeat all those people in spiritual debates. Isn't it because YOU verily sat on Sri Bhaskararachrya's shoulder, that he is recognised even today as a great Srividya Upasaka....Isn't it because of YOUR grace that an uneducated what-seemed-like-a-foolish person like Kalidasa became Maha kavi Kaalidasa.....Why do YOU not do the same to me too? Why are YOU not with me? YOU are being partial...It's not fair...

Pat came HER response: Adi Shankaracharya never questioned MY WILL....He never hesitated when I asked him to do something...How many times have I instinctly told you to write down your experiences..Have you done it yet?

What do I do, when SHE so clearly has me cornered...I had no answer except being silent {for a while at least}.

Me: Lalithamba, I'm scared...I don't have the spiritual knowledge to backup my writings. What do I do if people question me? I don't know Sanskrit & can't even seem to correctly remember where I read what...

SHE: Didn't you just say that Kalidasa was a foolish person before MY grace?

Me: Silence

I still scared amma....

SHE: What's the point of you listening non-stop to Bhavani Ashtakam if you haven't yet learnt to surrender?

Me: Will YOU be with me always like the way YOU were with Adi Shankaracharya?


Me: You just told me the answer, didn't YOU?....That Adi Shankaracharya never questioned YOUR WILL....Ok...I'll do as YOU say, but before I do that, can I test YOU? I agree that this is me still questioning YOU, but I want to be sure that it's really YOU & not just my thoughts wandering.....Remember last month, I read on that blog about Bala {Bala Tripura Sundari}.....That lady had written that Bala came in her dream & she had tried to lift HER but it was impossible because SHE was so heavy!!.... Well, if Bala - the daughter is heavy, how come YOU O Lalithamba were able to sit on Bhaskararachrya's shoulder? I'm unable to understand this.

SHE: The answer lies in Khadgamala Stotram....Remember the different Siddhis? Anima siddhi, Lagima Siddhi, Garima Siddhi etc.....Bala, in that lady's dream was exhibiting Garima Siddhi - Siddhi of being heavy and ME while sitting on Bhaskararachrya's shoulder was exhibiting Lagima Siddhi - Siddhi of being lighter than air


Ofcourse, such a simple answer...One more question....I had read that once you have a Guru, before one embarks on something new, one has to consult with his/her Guru...Doesn't that mean that I need my Guruji's permission & blessing before I start writing down my experiences? Can I start writing after I meet him in India in the next few weeks?

SHE: What did Guruji tell you during your online classes? What did he tell you during the very 1st class??

Me: That he was always with us and there has never been a moment when he wasn't....He had also asked us not to compare with others...He had said "You dont have to worry why I asked person 'X" to do "A,B,C" and "Y" to do "D,E,F"...What's right for "X" need not be so for "Y"

SHE: Ditto

Me: {Still not entirely convinced that I should start writing before I personally checked with Guruji}

SHE: What did you think when Guruji said "That he was always with us and there has never been a moment when he wasn't"?

Me: I had thought, "The only person who has always been with me, lifetime-after-lifetime is my atma- a form of BRAHMAN....If Guruji says he's always been with me, it means that he's refering to my atman = BRAHMAN"

SHE: What was his response when someone questioned him about praying to Guru Padukaas on top of one's head?

Me: Guruji had said " Whose's head?...Your head??...His head??...Her head?....My head??" and also something about not to take it to literally mean on top of one's head..I can't recall his exact words.

SHE: What did Guruji say about what his thoughts were, when Siddha Guru Swaprakashananda gave him all the mantras?? And what was Siddha Guru's answer to Guruji's question?

Me: That his first question to his Siddha Guru was "How will it work when you are in Anakapallae and I'm going to be in Bombay? To which Siddha Guru Swaprakashananda asked him "Don't you think the mantras have the power to guide you?" 



"Don't you think the mantras have the power to guide you?" Are YOU guiding me like the way YOU guided Guruji??


Me: So, If Guruji = BRAHMAN who has always been with me; if YOU in the form of the mantras are guiding me, then it is ok for me to start writing?... Now, what was Guruji's answer to the "Guru Padukaas on top of one's head" question?....Didn't he say something about how the Guru is always with us, within us, guiding us?

Ok...I'm going to start writing and tomorrow being Vijayadasami, makes it all the more special.

Guruji, I send this email to you on Vijayadasami, as a token of gratitude for your teachings....All this is, because of YOUR grace & guidance...

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu