Saturday, February 4, 2012

My conversations with HER - Part 12

My conversations with HER - Part 12 – Written on 18th November 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

Happenings after Guruji came into my life - September 2011:

After Guruji came into my life, both before & during the online Srividya classes, I was able to better understand HER....I had thought "Guruji calls HER as the AWARENESS"


Me: That thought during my Maha-deeksha at Kalki Bhagavan's Oneness University in May 2006.....When the padukas were placed on my head, I had a glimpse of Lord Shiva and Mt. Kailash ....But the thought "Why didn't I see Parvathy Devi?"......That thought was YOU wasn't it Lalithamba??.....That awareness that I didn't see YOU, that was YOU wasn't it??

SHE: Go on and accept what you thought at that time....

Me: Very clever of YOU Lalithamba.....YOU made me think that "Why didn't I see Parvathy Devi??..SHE must have gone out to save-the-world-or-something.....

I was beginning to realize one thing --- how much of my life was controlled by my fears......Fear of almost everything --- insects, bugs, cockroaches, dogs, cats, what-people-thought etc.....Back in June 2011, while breaking my Nirjala Ekadasi fast, I was surprised to see that there was a dog infront of our house......Not once in the 11 years that I've been in the USA, not once in the last 6 years that we live at our present house, did a stray dog EVER come to our house.....All those stories that I had read in Amar Chitra Katha, about Gods coming in the form of dogs to test a devotee came to mind....I wanted to give the dog some food & all that was available in the morning was the milk after doing the SHREEM BRZEE abhisekam to the Lakshmi Saligram....So, I poured some milk & opened the garage door to keep the bowl outside....The dog did try to come near me & I was frightened.....I thought "If it bites me, I'll have to have injections to couteract it's bite".....And I stepped away saying "I don't know who you are, but I am frightened of dogs...So, please forgive me for not recognising you."

I was reminded of the above dog incident a number of times and wondered which God it might have been....

SHE: Isn't it enough to know that it was BRAHMAN in the form of a dog?

Maybe it was indeed due to all the prayers & pujas that were done until now, but I was able to face-my-fears....One day, while dropping my son at his daycare, I noticed that there was a black cat sitting on the walkway leading to the entrance.....My normal reaction would have been to take a different route, but I decided to be brave and walk-past-the-cat.....I was scared too but my only hope was "This too is a form of BRAHMAN"....And the cat did nothing.....It just sat there minding-it's-own-business.....The next day, as if to test me again, there were 2 cats sitting on the walkway and all I did was close my eyes and chant BRAHMAN, BRAHMAN........My 3 year old son was braver than me & wanted to 'play with the cats' and all I could think of was "Are the cats vaccinated?....Are their nails clipped/cut??...If it scratches me, will I need an injection?".....FEAR in different forms, but FEAR nevertheless

After the frequent thoughts of BRAHMAN i.e after the Varahi puja done at Meppad Temple, I was able to atleast recognize that I have so many fears.....My only consolation - everything that I was scared of was BRAHMAN, including the pitch black darkness at night.....And I was searching for the practical experience of BRAHMAN....So, I told myself "I need to face my fears."

Sometime after Guruji came into my life, while reading some Srividya material, I read that Srividya was described as "Atmavidya, Brahmavidya"

Me: Brahmavidya? ...That story that I repeatedly read as a child, in Amar Chitra Katha - Vishwamitra, the fight between Sage Vasistha and Sage Vishwamitra over Viswamitra being acknowledged as a Brahmarishi......That was Brahmavidya......That is the same as Srividya???....If only I had known that both are the same, I would have never pursued Srividya.....Why??....Because that storybook was so fascinating and it made me wonder "How much of effort Vishwamitra had to put in....How much of penance he had to do..."

Very clever of you O Lalithamba..

Another thing that I observed during the online Srividya classes, was Guruji's behaviour towards us....He was so free, so casual and in one of the classes he actually apologized to someone when the student mentioned something about getting the (mis)information on the Devipuram website....That had such an impact on me....I thought "Guruji apologized.....Why?...Because that student said that something might have been misrepresented on the Devipuram website....If my Guru can be so humble, then why do I have a BIG FAT EGO??....If my Guru can apologize to people, why can't I??.....As is the Guru, so is the disciple."

Thereafter, my husband was a little surprised with my 'you do what you want' attitude...I had to learn to let-go of the little things in life, to let go of always wanting things to happen my way.....

My Husband: Are you ok??...Do you need to see a doctor or something?

Me: I'm just fine...And by the way, that 'list' that you were keeping track of, to see how many things have happened according to the way you wanted it, you may have to update that list !!!

Maybe Sri Bhaskararaya Makhi had indeed sat on my shoulders, but anytime, spiritually speaking, I was to think of doing any pujas or homas, I was reminded of my 'ashuddha bhakti'

Me: But I do say "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu" isn't it?...So it all goes to YOU anyway....

SHE: When you don't have anything specific to ask of ME, why do you want to invoke ME in fire/homa to tell ME to do MY job? Am I not doing what I want anyway ?


Me: But Lalithamba, it's 'my' part of the merit that I'm giving away.....My husband & son are still benefitted right?? It's upto YOU to make them also giveup their share of the merit...How many people think about the "cosmic account"?....Isn't everyone worried about their own "individual account" of merit & demerit?..... And if YOU didn't want me to consider those pujas or homas, why did YOU give me the thought?...Either way it's ALL YOUR doing.


Sometime in September 2011, we again visited the St. Louis Hindu Temple and this time, I gave the priest there, a drawing of Srichakra that I had recently drawn....He was overjoyed to receive it, especially with Navarathri just a few weeks away...Also, we signedup for the Dattatreya abisekham to be done during the following weekday and I silently thanked HIM for all HIS blessings......Last December, when we had performed the Dattatreya abisekham, I really didn’t know very much about HIM........Now, HE was sitting right beside my Siddha Guru Swaprakasananda's photo...

It was also sometime during this month that I happened to buy the book Vasistha's Yoga and I had just started reading it.....It was all beginning to sound similar - BRAHMAN, AWARENESS, CONSCIOUSNESS......Different names, same thing.

I had thought "All that I know is the theory part - Aham Brahmasmi, Tat Tvamasi, I am THAT, I am not the body etc......What use is this theory when I haven't yet practically experienced any of it....If in academics, the score is 80% theory and 20% practicals, then in spirituality, it's almost the opposite, with 20% being theory and 80% practical experience.....Of that 20% theory, I know perhaps less than 0.1% "

SHE: {in Tamil} Therinjadhu kai alavu, theriyaadhadhu kadal alavu {English meaning - What you know you can fit into the palms of your hand, what you don't know is as vast as the ocean..}

Me: My favorite Tamil proverb....Isn't that something that I've always wondered about?....Lalithamba, what am I going to do with the 20% theory part when I am repeatedly, consistently failing the practical exam part?......Forget about the 20% theory part, no matter how much I know,
       What I know = fits in the palm of my hand and
       What I don't know = as vast as the ocean.

In that case, what's the use of the theory part??.......Unless one becomes the ocean itself.....Give me the 80% practical experience part...That's good enough for me...


Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu