My conversations with HER - Part 16 – Written on 23rd November 2011:
Om Tat Sat Brahmmarpanamastu
October 2011 - A life changing month:
We were on our way to India for 3 weeks....There were lots of occasions in the family - my mother's 60th birthday celebrations, my brother-in-law's upanayanam {sacred thread ceremony} and wedding, our apartment grihapravesam, celebrate Deepavali in India after almost 6 years etc.......But there was just 1 event that I was greatly looking forward to ----- to finally meet my Guruji......As I finished doing the Ganapathy tharpanam on that Saturday, as we were leaving USA, I said an extra prayer to Ganapathy - please remove all the obstacles that prevent me from personally meeting my Guruji.....
I think it was during the Brussels-Chennai flight, that I thought I would mentally do the MahaGanapathy tharpanam, because 'technically' speaking, it was Sunday morning in USA...I realized that I had forgotten to write down the Guru mantram and I didn't know it by-heart....So, I thought of Guruji and said whatever I remembered of the Guru mantram "Something, something...........Sri Annapoornamba sahita, Sri Amritananda natha sriguru sripadukam pujayami tharpayami namaha" and I mentally chanted the MahaGanapathy tharpanam {which I had written down} and offered the merits of doing the tharpanam to MahaGanapathy present in my Mooladhara chakra and then ended it with "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu"......The flight cabin-lights were off and almost everyone of the passengers were sleeping and as I sat watching-my-thoughts, my thoughts were:
Me: The 3 states - waking, dreaming and 'whatever' is the 3rd state....Why don't I remember the name of the 3rd state?
SHE: What does it matter when you are in the 4th state?
And then something happened.....It was not a question, or a doubt but a sentence
Me: Om Sivoham – Siva aham – I am Siva
The thought caught me off-guard
Me: But Lalithamba, how can that be? I don't have the complete Siddha mala ....I'm missing 3 rudhraksha beads out of the 16 beads in Siddha mala.... So does it not mean that I am 13/16 = 81.25% Siva ??
SHE: Is there such a thing as 81.25% Siva, 10% Siva or 99% Siva??....Either you are Siva or you are not....
Me: So, there is no black, white and grey area?? Is it just black & white?? Either I am Siva or not??
SHE: In the hightest form of duality, it is either a yes or a no....If you consider as per Advaita, all is ONE.....And the further you go away from THAT ONE, you have not only black, white & grey but a million different shades of the rainbow.
Me: {Sat thinking over what SHE just said}
SHE: Go on & accept it.
Me: Accept what??
SHE: That thought that just came to you.
Me: {Thinking: Ofcourse SHE knows what thought came to me}..My thought was --- Didn't I read in Devi Bhagavatham that one who wears a 14 mukhi rudhraksha - also called Deva Mani, in the end attains the Highest goal, the state of Siva and his/her body becomes verily the body of Siva
Me: Okay, I accept it....I am Siva
SHE: Very clever, go on and also accept that other thought that came to you, while you were thinking of Siva.
Me: {Thinking: Ofcourse SHE knows ALL my thoughts....How can I hide the thought from HER? }..My thought was ---- While looking for the meaning of the "Om Shivoham" song, didn't I read on that website that " Shankara =sam+kara. Sam = good. Kara= the doer. Sankara - The doer of good "......I am Shankara
SHE: Go on & accept it.
SHE: Go on & accept it.
Me: Silence
SHE: You have felt it, haven't you?
Me: YOU mean, YOU have given me the feeling.....But I know what YOU mean....Yes, I have felt it.
SHE: Go on & accept it
Me: {Still hesitating}
SHE: Don't you remember that incident?
Flashback on - that incident:
I think it was sometime in the year 2006 or 2007....I used to often chant the Bhaja Govindam...One day, I don't remember exactly but maybe I was moody or may have had an argument with my husband, but as I sat reading my Bhaja Govindam book, when I read the paragraphs
nárèstanabharanábhèdeùam
døúûvá má gá moháveùam,
etan-mámsavasádi-vikáram
manasi vicintaya váram váram.(3)
Seeing the seductive female form, do not fall prey to frenzied delusion. That (female form) is (but) a modification of flesh and fat. Think well thus in your mind and again and again.
ká te kánte kaste putraç
samsáro'yam atèva vicitraç,
kasya tvam kaç kuta áyátas-
tattvam cintaya tadihaq, bhrátah.(8)
Who is your wife? Who is your son? Exceedingly wonderful, indeed, is this empirical process! Of whom are you? Who are you? Whence have you come? O brother, think of that truth here.
døúûvá má gá moháveùam,
etan-mámsavasádi-vikáram
manasi vicintaya váram váram.(3)
Seeing the seductive female form, do not fall prey to frenzied delusion. That (female form) is (but) a modification of flesh and fat. Think well thus in your mind and again and again.
ká te kánte kaste putraç
samsáro'yam atèva vicitraç,
kasya tvam kaç kuta áyátas-
tattvam cintaya tadihaq, bhrátah.(8)
Who is your wife? Who is your son? Exceedingly wonderful, indeed, is this empirical process! Of whom are you? Who are you? Whence have you come? O brother, think of that truth here.
ká te kántá-dhana-gata-cintá
vátula kim tava násti nivantá
trijagati sajjana sañgatir eká
bhavati bhavárïava-taraïe nauká.(13)
Why worry about wife, wealth, etc., O crazy one; is there not for you the one who ordains? In the three worlds, it is only the association with good people that can serve as the boat that can carry one across the sea of birth.
vátula kim tava násti nivantá
trijagati sajjana sañgatir eká
bhavati bhavárïava-taraïe nauká.(13)
Why worry about wife, wealth, etc., O crazy one; is there not for you the one who ordains? In the three worlds, it is only the association with good people that can serve as the boat that can carry one across the sea of birth.
I was angry with Adi Shankaracharya....I said " O Shankara, what do YOU know what it takes to be a woman?...How could YOU describe a woman like this - as a 'thing' that traps men into delusion?....YOU are but a sanyasi... YOU have no idea what it takes to be a woman, what it takes to put up with all the nonsense that men think they know....How could YOU make such a big mistake? When the whole of vedic world shows YOU as an example of the 'perfect being', how could YOU leave out women?......YOU maybe Siva HIMSELF, but what is wrong, is wrong......YOUR work is incomplete because YOU have left out women...Don't YOU know that story about Siva?
That story about Siva:
This is a story that I grew-up listening....My mother would often tell us this story....One day Parvathy Devi, inorder to test Siva, hides an ant in a box to see if HE really provides food for ALL in the world...SHE asks HIM if HE had provided food to ALL & HE says yes....When Parvathy Devi opened the box, SHE is surprised to see that the ant had a grain of rice too...."Siva provides for us all" said my mother.
Shankara, how could YOU leave me out?? How were YOU not able to see me?? How come YOU didn't warn me?? Mine is a love-marriage, right?? So, that means that I was 'deluded' to think that I will have 'the perfect happiness' through this-form-called-my-husband......Shankara, I'm sorry to be the one to point this out to YOU, but the male form can be equally seductive and lead to delusion as well......So, there is a glitch in YOUR work, there is an error in YOUR work.....YOUR work is incomplete and YOU will have to come back to Earth to correct it......And by the way, if YOU do decide to come back to Earth, come back as a woman.....Then perhaps, YOU will know what it takes to be a woman.....And if YOU decide to come back, YOU might also want to come back as a person who doesn't know Sanskrit, because YOU see in this 21st century, if YOU go around preaching in Sanskrit, noone including me, will understand YOU.
A few days later, I felt bad for scolding Adi Shankaracharya and asking HIM to come back to Earth...I thought "Poor guy, HE has attained Moksha and I asked HIM to come back to Earth".....So I had apologized to HIM...I had said " I apologize for saying all those things to YOU.....But Shankara, YOUR work is incomplete and I will not apologize for saying that....If YOU have written something that says that both forms - man and woman are a delusion, then I have not yet come across that article and when I do, I will then apologize to YOU but until then, I won't.
SHE: Why do you think those thoughts came to you?..Of all the people in this world, why were you the only one who thought Adi Shankaracharya's work was incomplete?
Me: Silence
SHE: What were your thoughts when you heard the Bhavani Ashtakam?
Na Taato Na Maataa Na Bandhur-Na Daataa
Na Putro Na Putrii Na Bhrtyo Na Bhartaa |
Na Jaayaa Na Vidyaa Na Vrttir-Mama-Iva
Gatis-Tvam Gatis-Tvam Tvam-Ekaa Bhavaani ||1||
Meaning:
1.1: Neither the Father, nor the Mother; Neither the Relation and Friend, nor the Donor,
1.2: Neither the Son, nor the Daughter; Neither the Servant, nor the Husband,
1.3: Neither the Wife, nor the (worldly) Knowledge; Neither my Profession,
1.4: You are my Refuge, You Alone are my Refuge, Oh Mother Bhavani.
Na Putro Na Putrii Na Bhrtyo Na Bhartaa |
Na Jaayaa Na Vidyaa Na Vrttir-Mama-Iva
Gatis-Tvam Gatis-Tvam Tvam-Ekaa Bhavaani ||1||
Meaning:
1.1: Neither the Father, nor the Mother; Neither the Relation and Friend, nor the Donor,
1.2: Neither the Son, nor the Daughter; Neither the Servant, nor the Husband,
1.3: Neither the Wife, nor the (worldly) Knowledge; Neither my Profession,
1.4: You are my Refuge, You Alone are my Refuge, Oh Mother Bhavani.
I then apologized to Adi Shankaracharya....Why? Because HE had included both, HE said that neither the husband nor the wife is the refuge. Only HER - Bhavani
SHE: Why do you think HE wrote that song?
Me: How do I know?
SHE: HE wrote it because HE had realized HIS mistake.
Me: Great! ....YOU expect me to believe that Shankaracharya realized that HE had made a mistake & hence that song....
Silence
{As I sat thinking over the recent thoughts}
SHE: Go on & accept that thought.
Me: I was thinking, "Didn't I read somewhere that Shankaracharya had died a few days before his 32nd birthday?....Wasn't it a few days before my 32nd birthday that I started wearing rudhrakshas.....And that too started with a 11 mukhi rudhraksha...Didn’t I read in Devi Bhagavatam that the fruit obtained through the performance of 1000 horse sacrifice [Asvamedha yagnas], 100 Vajapeya sacrifice and making gifts of 100,000 cows are obtained by wearing a 11 mukhi rudhraksha....Didn't the 2006 July Kadambari magazine also mention that "The prescribed worship of the Sri Yantra, the Navavarana Puja, once performed, is equivalent to conducting 1,000 Asvamedha yajnas or horse sacrifices"
SHE: Go on & accept who you are.
Me: Fine Lalithamba, if YOU want me to accept it, I will, but only to YOU.....
SHE: Say it.
Me: I am Shankara, known to the world as Adi Shankaracharya........But Lalithamba I won't write about it...I just won't.....Not without further proof....These few thoughts are not 'good enough' for me to write & accept it.....See, I'm disobeying YOU..... Didn't YOU say that Adi Shankaracharya never disobeyed YOU.....This is my proof that I am not HIM.......
Silence
Me: No Lalithamba, I just won't write about it...Sorry.....Let me give YOU 2 reasons why
- This doubt in me, this is YOUR doubt....Could this doubt have come if YOU didn't want it to come?
- When YOU are not able to convince me, how do YOU expect to convince others that I am HIM? When YOU are not able to convince one single person - me, what kind of a GODDESS are YOU? Shouldn't I be 100% convinced that I am HIM?
Either way YOU look at it, YOU lose Lalithamba....YOU need to do better than that...I just won't write about it....Sorry.
Little did I realize what the MASTER PLANNER had in-store for me.
{As I type this:
SHE: Remember those questions?
Flashback on - those questions:
Why are the Upanishads not as interesting like those "New York's #1 best sellers" books??....Why didn't the Sages keep those books as intriguing as the modern science-friction books....If only they had, the Upanishads would be on the "New York's #1 best sellers" list...Weren't the Rishis and Sages aware of "sales & marketing" ?.....How to get & hold people's attention....
SHE: Stop writing now. }
Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu