Conclusion

Conclusion – Written on 2nd February 2012


Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

It wasn't until end of December 2011 that it fully struck me.....

So, Lalitha Tripura Sundari = THAT all pervading consciousness = BRAHMAN

I choose to call THAT all pervading consciousness as BRAHMAN........When I say Lalithamba, I automatically think of HER form and when I say/think of BRAHMAN, my mind is blank.....And in reality, there really isn't a difference between the two, isn't it?

In the last few months, as I contemplate these revelations, there are a few things that stand out:

1. I personally met Guruji and He blessed me with the Maha Sodasi mantra
2. I emailed Arjunaarcharya and asked him "Is the Meppad Sampradaya  anyway related to Adi Shankaracharya?". Arjunaacharya's response - Yes
3. The "inner chatter" has subsided.....The silence within is deeply felt.
4. As questions arise, answers are revealed ---- Sometimes immediately, sometimes in a week or two or three

There is also a strong inner urge to share these writings with the world, to "make-public" these writings....As I watch my thoughts:

• BRAHMAN, why do YOU want me to share these writings with everyone? I have no desire to end up as "another picture on the wall" or "another idol in a temple".
• When the very purpose of your birth is to complete your work and talk about advaita, how are you going to do it, if not by sharing these writings?
• BRAHMAN, why didn't YOU let Adi Shankaracharya complete the work? When Adi Shankara can break-free-of-the-rules of society to perform the last rites of His mother, why couldn't He also not preach to women??.....Take it however YOU want it to be --- YOU have failed to convince me/ YOU have failed to convince YOURSELF/ I have failed to convince mySELF.

  

After almost a week or two later, as-simple-as-that

  

• When you were pregnant, why did you choose a lady gynecologist?
• Because given a choice, I was comfortable with a lady doctor.
• When you, a so-called 21st century, western-educated woman chose a lady doctor, how do you expect women of the-then society to accept the preachings of a sanyasi, especially to questions relating to women praying during their monthly periods? 

Silence

• Adi Shankara may not have specifically addressed women because in His role as a sanyasin, there were certain limitations. You as a Grihasta, will be able to do it...All along Adi Shankara did talk about BRAHMAN, didn't He?......Weren't women automatically included in IT? 
• Does it mean that I will have to "re-do" it all? I don't even know Sanskrit....How do YOU expect me to comment on His works?
• Language is just a means-to-an-end and not the end by itself...You are not here to "re-do" anything....The journey continues where you left-off.

Silence

It took almost a week for it to strike me

• BRAHMAN, if YOU really wanted, YOU could have made me choose a guy doctor as my gynecologist, couldn't YOU?

Silence

Initially I shared these writings with some of my immediate family members….Why? Because it was a "test" for mySELF......To see if IT can handle the questions that might comeup...My husband, though he knew my spiritual journey in-brief was initially upset/angry....He had asked me

He:  What kind of a woman are you to give up your husband and son? Even if I don't take you giving me up seriously, how can you do that to Pranav?

My response:

I may have mentally renounced attachments to my husband and son, but SHE has given them both back to me -- intact, as HER prasadam [ i.e purified by association with HER]....In the past, I didn't really look at them as 'forms of BRAHMAN' and now I do......And I am now practically following that thing that Bhagavat Gita talks about : One who sees inaction in action, and action in inaction, is intelligent among wo/men, and s/he is in the transcendental position, although engaged in all sorts of activities. 

A few days later, as I still hesitate to share these writings, my thoughts:

 

• BRAHAMN, do YOU know what YOU are asking me to do? It's similar to YOU asking me to jump out of an airplane without a parachute, with the sole belief that YOU will protect me.
• Is your belief strong enough for you to do that?
• Wrong question BRAHMAN.....The correct question YOU should ask is "Have I given you enough belief for you to do that?"......Why do YOU continue to put the blame on me?.....Can I do anything if it is not YOUR WILL?
• When you can correct yourSELF, isn't this good enough for you?

Silence

  

• If your Guruji had hesitated, would He have offered the online Srividya class?

Silence

• If your Guruji had hesitated, would you have received the Maha Sodasi mantra?

Silence

• Have you still not learnt to fully trust yourSELF?
• If I still haven't learnt to do so, isn't that also because of YOU BRAHMAN? When the Kena Upanishads talk about how even a blade of grass is not able to move without YOUR WILL, how can I do anything, if it isn't YOUR WILL?
• When you can answer your own questions, can you not answer other's question?

Silence

   

• Remember that question that you had asked?

Flashback on that question that I had asked [ My conversations with HER - Part 22]

How do YOU expect me to trust YOU?....How can I believe that YOU won't cause obstacles for me?

• During early November 2011, did you not chant the Maha Sodasi Mantra on a rudhraksha mala and give deeksha "not just to MOTHER EARTH but the entire COSMOS"?
• Yes
• According to your initial assumption, does it not mean that the entire cosmos, after receiving the deeksha is at the (n-1)th stage ---- just 1 step away from merging into their SELF ?

Silence

• How will the people know that they are at the (n-1)th stage if you don't share these writings?
• Why can't YOU tell them YOURSELF?....Why can't YOU prick YOURSELF --- the people's consciousness?
• Before the online Srividya class was introduced, how many times did I bring the Panchadasi mantra into your life?....Why didn't you chant it?
• Because I was told that it was supposed to come from a Guru.
• Won't people still think the same way?....Won't they still be in ignorance and refuse to follow their conscious because they don't have the correct information? Because you hesitate to tell them that the entire COSMOS has indeed received the Maha Sodasi mantra deeksha?

Silence

• Don't you think the mantras work?
• Ofcourse I do....If not, can I observe these thoughts in me?....Even HDTV is not such crystal-clear.
• When you know that the mantras have the power to guide you, when you are personally experiencing IT, when you have given the Maha Sodasi mantra deeksha to the entire COSMOS, why do you hesitate?

 Silence

 Several hours later,

• BRAHMAN, why did YOU say that the entire cosmos is at the (n-1)th stage?....When it is all YOU, isn't all of it at the "n" th stage?
• When you know that to be the case, why do you hesitate to share the writings? Who are you afraid of, when you just said that it is all BRAHMAN?

Silence

• Okay BRAHMAN...It is all YOUR doing anyway....I'll share these writings but before that YOU have to tell me that YOU love me......I don't want the usual advaitic answer - "Who is telling whom when both the questioner and the responder are the same?"....YOU are the expert in finding loopholes isn't it??.....Find a loophole & tell me that YOU love me.....I love YOU BRAHMAN......I said it, now it's YOUR turn.....Won't YOU say it too?
• Why not?....When I = YOU = Unconditional love = BRAHMAN

  

To sum-up my spiritual journey, since I don't know any songs about BRAHMAN per-se,  I turn to Sage Agastiar and his Tamil song Sri Chakra Raja Simhasaneswari about Lalithamba......The meaning of the song says it all.

Strange indeed is HER WILL.

And the irony??.....Well, I'm now one among those people who say "It is all HER WILL".....I had to question "HER WILL" inorder to fully realize IT but yes, now I'm officially THE ONE who says IT.

At Your feet Guruji,  

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

My conversations with HER - Part 23

My conversations with HER - Part 23  - Written on 4th December 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu,


"Deadly" indeed is the combination mentioned in Part 14 of this series....I did continue to chant the Maha Sodasi mantra & offered the merits of chanting it, all back to BRAHMAN....Why did I continue to chant it?...Because if I was at the (n-1) stage, if receiving the Maha Sodasi mantra = me being HER, then, according to my assumption, I had just one more step to go, to merge with BRAHMAN....Just 1 step away......That's why.


Before I go on, let me mention some of the conversations that I've had with BRAHMAN

Some of the conversations that I've had with BRAHMAN:

Random thoughts, random musings but I've constantly thought of BRAHMAN....What began as a thought that Amar Chitra Katha - Tales from upanishads had made a 'spelling mistake' soon turned into something more curious....As my spiritual journey progressed, sometime in June/July 2010, I began saying "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu" once every Ekadasi, while offering the merits of observing the Ekadasi fast all back to Narayana....After Sivarathri 2011, once I started doing daily tarpanam, I said  "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu" every day, offering the merits of doing the daily pitru & karunya tharpanam all back to BRAHMAN....I had often wondered about IT, why noone answered my questions about IT.....I had asked IT

• BRAHMAN, won't YOU talk to me?

Silence

• Please don't tell me that YOU are the silence...That sounds so old fashioned

Silence

• Who are YOU BRAHMAN?....How many times have I told YOU that I don't understand the language of silence?....If indeed YOU are silence, then 1) YOU have to tell me that, which I'm not sure how YOU will do it, if indeed YOU are silence or 2) YOU have to make me be silent.....So, until either of those 2 things happen, I will continue to talk to YOU.

Silence

• I will find YOU BRAHMAN, one way or the other, I will find YOU and when I find YOU, I'm not going to be one of those people who say "Those who know IT don't talk about IT & those who talk about IT don't know IT"......Do YOU hear me BRAHMAN?

Silence

One day, while out of boredom in again having the same type of food for dinner, I had tried preparing a vegetable-cutlet-sandwich & it came out very well....I must have been very hungry that day, because as I was having my dinner I thought "BRAHMAN, when I write down my spiritual experiences, I will start writing by saying "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu" - meaning whatever I'm going to write I offer it all to YOU and will finish my writings by saying "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu" - meaning whatever I've written so far, I offer it all to YOU......My writings will be a "BRAHMAN sandwich" and YOU know what BRAHMAN?.....It will be yummy !!

Silence

Do YOU hear me BRAHMAN?....Yummy BRAHMAN sandwich.

Silence.

And if I make any mistakes, it'll all be YOUR fault.

Silence.

Won't YOU still talk to me?.....Even if I tell YOU that it'll all be YOUR fault??

Silence.

Fine....One day I'll find YOU BRAHMAN.

I don't know about other people's spiritual journey, but BRAHMAN has played a variety of roles in my life --- from being my silent-partner, to being my assistant - whom I ask to remember things, because my memory is so bad, to my random musings....And by the time I reached this stage of my spiritual journey, BRAHMAN was almost at-par with Maha Sodasi Mantra - meaning - I would chant the Maha Sodasi Mantra and every few minutes later, would give away the merit of chanting the Maha Sodasi Mantra by saying "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu"....

Gradual Revelation of higher truth -

In-flight entertainment or in-flight enlightenment? :

Our vacation in India was coming to an end... It was time to head back to USA...I remember very well, this part of my experience....It was the Chennai - Brussells flight and since I couldn't sleep, I was chanting the Maha Sodasi mantra....The economy-class seats didn't have too much of leg-space and it was almost 7 hours that I had sat in one position and my legs were aching...And then as-simple-as-that, my thoughts were

• O Ramana Maharishi, I don't know how You did it, but I feel the pain in my body....I'm not yet able to fully experience Your words that "You are not your body"...

  

•  If Me = HER, and Me = not my body, then how can SHE be HER body?? If A = B and B = C, then A = C right??

   

• So if SHE is not HER body and Me = not my body, then what remains?

  

• The Self or BRAHMAN.....
• There is no such thing as Lalitha Tripura Sundari......There is no such thing as Sri chakra......There is no such thing as Manidweepa.....It is all an illusion
• Wait, wait, wait a minute, if there is no such thing as Lalithamba, then who was it that answered all my questions till now?
• Who else do you think?
• My SELF.....BRAHMAN, it was YOU......YOU answered all my questions.....So, YOU can talk, YOU are not mute, YOU are not dumb?
• To the dumb, I appear as dumb
• So Lalithamba doesn't have cancer?
• When SHE doesn't have a body, how can SHE have cancer?
• Hmm...That's a good point....

And it took me a while to let that all sink-in...And then I remembered that I was angry with HER, I remembered all the questions that I had asked HER

• So, BRAHMAN, if YOU alone exist, then YOU are responsible for the mess in this world....Why did YOU have to go & manifest YOURSELF in different ways?....What happened to "family planning"?...YOU know -  we two, ours two....Why didn't YOU have censorship over YOURSELF?
• What mess? What world?
• What do YOU mean what mess, what world?...Weren't YOU paying attention when I asked HER all those questions?....If SHE doesn't exist, then SHE is not responsible for the mess and if YOU alone exist, then YOU are responsible for this mess in this world.
• What mess? What world?

   

• BRAHMAN Satyam, Jagat mitya --- BRAHMAN alone is real, the world is an illusion

A few seconds later...

• So, BRAHMAN, none of this is real?....Wait, let me check....

And I pinched myself to see if I felt anything and I did...

• BRAHMAN, I felt that one....It hurt....So how can it be?
• A whole lifetime of thinking that you are your body can't be erased in just a second, can it?
• That book that I've just started reading - Vasistha's Yoga also tells the same thing ---Cosmic Consciousness alone exists now & ever; in it are no worlds, no created beings

A few seconds later

• But BRAHMAN, I know nothing.....I don't know any mantras by-heart.
• Why do you need them when you know yourSELF - The answer lies within
• Oh the answer lies within...Ok. Let's see.....What is {As I type this, I forget the exact numbers I said, it was whatever came to my mind then} 6528401382 x 3765020201......Why don't I know the answer?.....Why am I still blinking??
• What answer is there to know when everything is ONE?.....When it is all ONE without a second....   1 x 1 = 1....That's all it is.

And I fell asleep.

The next part of our flight journey

• BRAHMAN, then what are all those other Gods & Goddess?
• Just a figment of MY imagination
• So, it is all symbolic isn't it?
• Lalitha = the playful one = the playful thoughts that tempt you......Siva = the inner Guru, which is MY another name.
• So, that's what Guruji meant when He said in some article that "the GODDESS is deeply in love with you making you HER Siva".....So, that's what is meant by "Without Shakti, Siva is but a corpse"....Without thoughts, the mind is but silent.

It was almost 7pm on 31st October 2011 and we had just reached home....I realized that more than 44 days had passed, since I started the "Viraja homam" and I had forgotten that I had put BRAHMAN in-charge of my life {during my sankalpa}......BRAHMAN, who has so smoothly led me to mySELF...And I said

BRAHMAN, YOU are permanently appointed.

For the next few days, things were still a bit confusing...I had thought

• "Didn't I read somewhere that "Brahmananda Meemamsa', a vedic hymn from the Taittiriya Upanishad talks about how the bliss of an enlightened being is several million times more intense than the joy that all celestial gandharvas, human beings and pitrus experience".........Maybe if I do the daily deva, rishi, pitru & karunya tharpanams now, the joy of these respective deva, rishi, pitrus and "karunya tharpanam category people" will be more.
• What "Deva, Rishi, Pitru & karunya tharpanams category people"  when none exist?...When it is all ONE - The SELF
• So, if I continue to do the tarpanamas, does it mean that I'm not THERE, with YOU?....Does it mean that I will step-out into duality?
• The question does not arise
• BRAHMAN, stop putting the blame on me...Could the question have come if YOU didn't want it to come...Give me an answer.
• Who are you asking for an answer when the answer lies within?...When both the questioner and the one who gives the answer, are the same?

So, since 1st November 2011, I stopped doing my daily tharpanams....Why??.....Because it was a "catch-22" situation....If I do the tharpanamas, it means that I still thought that there were things like Deva, Rishi, Pitru & "Karunya tharpanams category people" and when I have practically experienced, when it has been theoretically proved that if A = B and B = C then A = C; hence Lalithamba doesn't have a body, how can I contradict mySELF ?

Sometime during the 1st November 2011:

• BRAHMAN, why should I write down my experiences?....What is there to write when it is all an illusion? Who is the reader and writer of these series, if it is all ONE.
• If people had thought that way, would you have benefited from all those writings that you had read, when you thought that "you were your body" ??...Also you now know that BRAHMAN alone is real....Your tarpanams until now have helped liberate "other beings" who thought that "they were their body"...Your writings will help others realize that BRAHMAN Satya, Jagat Mithya and all that is needed is a serious inquiry by a seeker.
• But BRAHMAN doesn't it all sound like a "Multiple personality disorder" syndrome?.....Isn't there a chance that things will be misrepresented or misinterpreted?
• Every human being has this "Multiple personality disorder" syndrome....Everyone of them identify themselves as the father/mother/son/daughter/husband/wife/friend/neighbour/employer/employee/devotee/non-devotee etc.....There are, but a handful of people who have absolutely identified themselves with BRAHMAN alone.....
• Isn't that also because of YOU BRAHMAN?.....Why do you put the blame on others?

Silence

• BRAHMAN, what is the use of these writings??....These will be, one among the writings of many people....Now that I have practically experienced that you can be given the Maha Sodasi mantra itself but unless SHE wills it, one will not realize what one has, isn't SHE the one who has to "evolve"?...Isn't the consciousness the one, that has to reach out {to help people} to help ITSELF?......Now that I know that SHE is very very tricky, what difference will it make?...Remember the saying that "You can only take a horse upto the water, you cannot make it drink"....At best, I can write down my experience but isn't it upto people how they interpret it??...Isn't it upto HER to determine the kind of thoughts people will have as they read these writings....How do I trust HER to give people the right thoughts?

Silence

• BRAHMAN, just so that SHE doesn't again use HER tricks, can YOU please give me some "physical miracles"?.....Either way YOU look at it, at this stage, isn't it all YOUR doing?.........Just so that at some point in future, I don't wonder, just so that SHE doesn't make me wonder if this was all an imagination, can YOU please give me some "physical miracles in this world"?.....As proof that I'm having this conversation with mySELF - BRAHMAN.....Can you please make that rudhraksha tree at Arjunaacharya's house give one-mukhi-round-Nepal-variety-type rudhrakshas, the size-of-which-I-saw-at-my-neighbour's house?......BRAHMAN, here's further reasons why

1.      This thought in me, could this have come, if YOU hadn't imagined it to come?

2.      If everything is indeed an illusion and that is the message YOU want people to get, then in what way is one additional illusion going to matter to YOU?

• Won't YOU do this?
• The question does not arise...
• Right!!..... I've spent a lifetime asking questions that I haven't yet learnt how to give answers...BRAHMAN, if I am YOU, then I"m not asking YOU...I'm telling YOU - my SELF.....It will happen.

Silence.

A few hours later:

• BRAHMAN, but if I'm having this conversation with YOU, does it not mean that there are 2 entities here - The questioner and the responder....How do I shut up? 
• By just watching your thoughts and not getting carried away by them.

A little while later

• BRAHMAN, even if I were to start writing, where do I start?....How do I write it down as if SHE answered by questions, when I now know that SHE didn't.
• At that point of time, didn't you think it was HER?.....You write your experiences as-you-experienced-them.....Not as you now know them to be.

Whenever I would start to chant the Maha Sodasi mantra, my thoughts:

• Why do you want to chant the mantra now, when you know that ALL is ONE?
• But BRAHMAN, why are YOU asking me to disobey my Guruji?.....Didn't my Guruji ask me to chant this mantra "all the time"?
• What did your Guruji tell you during the last online class?..The very last class?
• Didn't Guruji say something like "Continue to do your sadhanas until it naturally outgrows you...Then you too can remain free like me and do nothing"....I don't remember His exact words.....

Sometime on 3rd November 2011:

• BRAHMAN, YOU were paying attention to what Guruji told me when He answered my question on why the Maha Sodasi mantra is kept so secret....Remind me, what did Guruji say?....What was it that He wrote on the blackboard?

And I suddenly remembered that song "Shankara" from the Telugu movie Shankarabharanam.....And I also remembered the other song in the movie that always "moved" me whenever I listened to it....My telugu is not good enough for me to understand the full meaning of the song, but I understood the meaning of the 1st line of the song ---- Dora kuna ituvanti seva ---- Can I obtain a seva like this?....I had to 'google' to find the exact meaning of the song....And as I read the english meaning :

".... You vibrate inside my soul and you shine inside me as the life-sustaining light..."

"....As you glow inside me as my life and as my only God....."

MY GURU within me, said -- "Now you know what your Guruji meant"

And I knew the answer:

Guruji had said that the Maha Sodasi Mantra will help a person overcome the limiting factors of identification of:

1. The seer and the seen - "I" and "You" concept
2. Guru and disciple
3. Shiva & Shakti

 and help a true sadhaka go beyond these three stages into the 'unlimited' space region...

HE had also said that the mantra could also be mis-represented to mean the physical union of the Guru with the disciple, but what it REALLY means is that, now the GURU is ONE with the disciple....HE said that I was now HIS Shakti.

When I wrote the "My conversations with HER- Part 7" series on 6th November 2011, it was then that I realized that I had asked HER for selective amnesia and then "something more" changed within me.....Lots more of it made sense....Pieces of the puzzle fell-in-place 

How was I to know if these thoughts are really coming from IT or if it was my laziness/ego which is thinking these thoughts?....So, I emailed Guruji on 8th November 2011 and told Him about some of these thoughts & asked for His help & guidance.

Guruji's response: Lalitha, Sri Chakra, You, I, Adi Shankara, all life are manifestations of one consciousness, which exists and knows. It is ego to think that consciousness is this and not that.

And I thought "Oh my dear Guruji, YOU just compressed the whole 108 Upanishads into 2 sentences....That last sentence alone answers ALL my questions"




Sometime on 11th November 2011, as I sat contemplating {well, not literally sat-down to contemplate but as I watched-my-thoughts}


The awareness within you is LALITHAMBA HERSELF also known as "The consciousness or BRAHMAN"....Your body is the Srichakra.....The various thoughts that have come to you in the past is representative of the 64 crores of yoginis in the Srichakra....The 'creation' and 'dissolution' method of the Srichakra Navavarana puja is representative of:


Creation method of puja ---- Represents how one goes from being caughtup by samsara, to watch, face & overcome the various kinds of thoughts in the mind and ultimately realizing that Shiva & Parvathi are representative of the GURU within and the VERY LIFE in your body respectively. {As I type this now: Parvathi is representative of the LIFE that moves Siva, the thoughts that ask the questions and Siva = the inner GURU = the crystal-clear answers}

And when one realizes THAT and becomes ONE with IT, then




Dissolution method of puja ---- Represents how one goes on to "break-free-of-the-rules-of-society" to go back to living the life of a 'jeevan-mukta'.....Whenever a thought comes that "Should I continue to chant 'xyz' mantra or do 'abc' pooja", just "watch-those-thoughts" and don't get caughtup in them.

A few days ago, as-simple-as-that :

• So that's what is meant by "Only someone who is chosen by DEVI gets Sri Vidya. It is said you do not choose Sri Vidya, but Sri Vidya chooses you. When you get it, when you look back, you will see how you have been guided slowly and surely to your Guru.".......DEVI here represents the "thoughts-that-chooses-to-quieten-down", leading you to your inner Guru...Slowly but surely...Srividya = atma vidya = BRAHMAN alone is real.....Even the above sentence is symbolic.

As I type this:


Guruji, these are, in brief, some of my spiritual experiences.....There are still lots of things that I have left out...Why??....Oh Guruji, because my life is "boringly-full-of-miracles"

• BRAHMAN, but if I'm having this conversation with YOU, does it not mean that there are 2 entities here - The questioner and the responder....How do I shut up? 
• By just watching your thoughts and not getting carried away by them.

How Do I watch-my-thoughts?....This is how:

• Great..No thoughts now when I asked for the thoughts to come...
• What am I doing now? Typing up all this when I should be preparing lunch....It's already 11am this sunday and I have tons of work to do before tomorrow..
• Maybe these writings can wait until later...
• Or maybe not, I have to write & finish this series soon.
• Did 5 minutes just pass away now when I closed my eyes??
• Don't type all your thoughts....It sounds silly.
• Lalithamba, is that YOU being playful again..Why did YOU give me that thought?
• How many times have I told YOU not to respond to the thoughts??...Just watch your thoughts..
• Watch the thought that said "How many times have I told YOU not to respond to the thoughts??...Just watch your thoughts.."
• Watch the thought that said "Watch the thought that said "How many times have I told YOU not to respond to the thoughts??...Just watch your thoughts.." "
• Watch the above thought..Don't respond
• It is going to sound very very silly writing down all this...
• 64 crores of yoginis indeed...Double-edged sword indeed
• That's enough of thoughts.....
• Just watch-your-thoughts
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
•  
• SILENCE.
• Did you just write down SILENCE?...Why didn't you just observe the SILENCE?
•  
•  
•  

At YOUR feet Guruji - BRAHMAN ITSELF who took the outward form of my Guruji so that I could find my inner Guru, and realize that both are the same,

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

My conversations with HER - Part 21

My conversations with HER - Part 21 - Written on 1st December 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

Deepavali 2011:

That afternoon, I telephoned Arjunaacharya and while talking to him, I thanked him again for performing the Varahi Kola mukhi puja for my family..I was a little hesitant to mention about the revelations, as I still couldn't 100% believe what SHE told me, let alone know from where to start my-Ramayana-like-proportion-story???...Arjunaacharya, there was one thing that you said, that I clearly remember - As I was telling you about the 5 mukhi rudhraksha that Pranav was given, you said you were looking at the rudhraksha tree outside your house..After our conversations

Me: Lalithamba, does Arjunaarcharya know who I am, who YOU are telling me that I am?

SHE: He will know it, by the time you reach this point of your writings. Remember those things that you wrote but didn't email him?

Flashback on - "Those things that I wrote but didn't email him":

It was an email that I had sent to both aacharya & Arjunaacharya, introducing them to one another...Two people, who independently held the 'passwords' to my continued spiritual journey.....At the end of the email, I had typed "Arjunaacharya, both you and I are now a part of the same Guru lineage....We both have the same Guru - Guru Amritananda of Devipuram, AP....That makes us sahodara or siblings".....I felt silly writing it and I thought "I'm just an LKG-student in the school-of-Srividya and Arjunaacharya is like a PhD holder and a Guru himself...How silly it sounds for me to tell this to him".....So I deleted that paragraph.

SHE: Remember those thoughts that you've had as a child?

Flashback on - "Those thoughts I've had as a child":

As a child, I've always felt that I'm missing an elder brother...I'm not sure if my father remembers this conversation, but I do....One day I had asked my father "Why don't I have an elder brother?"....And my father told me "Me being the eldest child myself, I can understand your question...But be happy with what you've got and make sure that you take good care of your younger brother so that he doesn't miss his elder sibling"....That only partly answered my question....Years later, when my son Pranav was born I had thought "My daughter will have what I don't...She will have an elder brother."

SHE: Your Arjunaacharya is the one whom you've been missing.

That evening, my father and I were visiting the Bali Amman temple at Villivakkam, Chennai.....This is a temple that I've grownup with....Almost all major occasions - Pongal, Deepavali, Tamil New Year's day etc, as my parents & I visited our grandparent's house, we would stop-by this temple....My father and late-grandfather knew the priest at this temple and my family would sometimes sit inside the inner sanctum, as abisekham was done to HER....That evening, as my father & I stood before HER

SHE: Ask the priest the name of the Goddess

Me: But Lalithamba, I know HER name....It's Bali Amman...Why do YOU want me to ask something that I already know?

But the intuition was persistent....So,

Me: Fine, I'll ask if YOU want me to ask.

And I asked the priest

Me: What's the name of the Goddess?

The priest at the temple: SHE is called as Bali Amman and (as the priest continued talking)

Me: See Lalithamba, I told YOU.....It is Bali Amman

The priest at the temple: (As the priest finishes his talk) ....SHE is represented as a young girl.

   

Me, asking the priest: SHE is represented as a young girl?......Is this Bala Tripura Sundari??

The priest at the temple: No No....SHE is called Bali Amman....Balika, in sanskrit means a young girl and SHE is this village deity and Amman here is represented as a young girl.

Me, asking the priest: Is SHE 9 years old?

The priest at the temple: Yes...A young girl of 9 years.

  

Me: Bala Tripura Sundari - my Divya Guru.....I grew up before HER....

Me: Didn't I read somewhere -- Only someone who is chosen by DEVI gets Sri Vidya. It is said you do not choose Sri Vidya, but Sri Vidya chooses you. When you get it, when you look back, you will see how you have been guided slowly and surely to your Guru.

Silence

A few days later, my husband was back from AP & said "Since we have some extra time, let's also visit Tirupati"......So, we did.....And just like Guruji asked me to, I kept chanting the Maha Sodasi Mantra, all the time...

While standing in queue at Tirupati, my thoughts were:

Me: {Thinking} Didn't I read a story somewhere that inorder to marry Padmavathi Devi, Tirupati Balaji had taken a huge loan from Kubera and He was still repaying the interest on the loan??

  

Narayana, Why did YOU have to take such a huge loan?? Why couldn't YOU learn to "live within YOUR means"??.....What kind of  a wrong example are YOU giving people, if YOU YOURSELF couldn't conduct YOUR marriage "within YOUR means"??

So, I said "Whatever is the merit of chanting this Maha Sodasi mantra, I give it all back to YOU O BRAHMAN in the form of Tirupati Balaji......Narayana, I hope this helps YOU to repay YOUR debts soon...Who knows maybe like the Sree Padmanabha Swamy  Temple of Thiruvananthapuram, Kerala, this temple too may hold some hidden treasures and it might help YOU repay YOUR loan"

Narayana must have heard me....Why??.....Because we stood in queue for 7.5 hours --- the longest ever in the history-of-our-visit-to-Tirupati.

Me: Narayana, just because I asked YOU to repay YOUR debt, are YOU going to make me stand in queue this long?? Do YOU really have THAT BIG of a loan that I have to chant the Maha Sodasi Mantra all this while??

And I continued chanting the Maha Sodasi Mantra and every few minutes would say "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu"

And by the way, it started raining, when after 7.5 hours, we finally had HIS dharsan and came out.....I was too tired to really notice it then.

  

As I type this:

BRAHMAN, I have done what YOU asked me to do....I have written down my experiences and all that remains to be written is the journey from "(n-1)" to "n" ---- journey from me being "Lalithamba" to "YOU".....Before I do that, YOU have to keep up YOUR end-of-the-bargain...Let me give YOU a few reasons why

• Who is asking whom to do what? -- YOU can take it as 1) It's all YOUR doing or 2) Nothing is being done.
• When I am YOU, isn't merely "the thought" enough, for things to happen?
• If I am HER, then it is all HER doing, isn't it?
• When Adi Shankaracharya composed the Kanakadhara Stotram and was able to convince Sri Lakshmi to shower HER blessings on that poor woman, who had, but given Him "one small gooseberry"
• If I am Shankara or Siva indeed

Then how can YOU not do what I asked YOU to do.

What I asked YOU to do:

If I am Shankara or Siva indeed, then

• Let all the obstacles that my Guruji encountered-in-the-past-present-and-future be shattered and may His glory spread worldwide.
• As proof of my identity, let it rain down "One mukhi Nepal-variety-type-round rudhraksha beads, the size-of-which-I-saw-at-my-neighbour's-house" from that rudhraksha tree that Arjunaacharya said he was looking-at when he spoke to me on the day of Deepavali.
• If it is true that a one mukhi rudhraksha is "Sakshat Siva Swarupa" then how can it not be abundantly present on Earth, when I am here?
• If there-is-such-a-thing that I was angry with my then-past-Namboodiri-Brahmin-family over the funeral rites-of-my-then-mother Aryamba, then I forgive them all and here are the reasons why

Advaitic answer- Who is forgiving whom, over what?

Dualistic answer - The credit for this goes to Arjunaacharya of Meppad Temple,  Kerala..Why? Because he has helped me a lot in this lifetime. 

O dear BRAHMAN, won't YOU do that please?

And please ask Arjunaacharya to send me photographs of those round one-mukhi rudhrakshas.

BRAHMAN: I just did.

  

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

My conversations with HER - Part 22

My conversations with HER - Part 22 - Written on 2nd December 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned."

These were random incidents, which happened in October 2011....

Incident 1:

I met a lady and I thought she was 4-5 months pregnant & was about to congratulate her, when I was told that her stomach is the way it is because she had "cesarian operations" for both of her past pregnancies...She was now having some medical problems because of her enlarged stomach.

Incident 2:

Sometime during this trip, while talking to "xyz" person,

Me: Come & have your food.

"xyz" person:  I'm dieting to get-back-in-shape.

Me: But aren't you nursing your baby...How will she get her food if you don't eat properly?

"xyz" person:  Oh I take "abc English medicine" and if the baby is still hungry I give her milk using 'milk powder'

Incident 3:

One day, as I was talking to someone, she mentioned something that deeply bothered me...

"abc" person-that-I-know has had 2 or 3 miscarriages in the past, is pregnant again & has just had "some medical procedure" done to stitch her womb so that she doesn't lose this baby again.....

{As I type this: What seems like innocent, day-to-day happenings to everyone else, bothered me...Why??...Maybe because these were the trigger-points that caused "my bubble" to burst....Maybe because I saw how "heartbreakingly" one woman was trying to conceive, another was worried about her body than her infant baby and another was now paying the price for her cesarian operation......Or maybe that is EXACTLY how SHE wanted me to think, inorder for me to realize the highest truth.}

Cascading-effect of thoughts:

• Lalithamba, why did YOU give that thought to "xyz" person?...Could she have thought of dieting if YOU didn't want her to?.....Why did YOU ask her to take that 'abc English medicine'?
• {Thinking} Didn't I read somewhere that in Soundarya Lahari there is a sloka that helps with lactation?? Why can't I remember where I read it?
• Lalithamba, YOU know that exact sloka in Soundarya Lahari...When that is the case, why didn't YOU tell her that?...What a pity that in this 21st century, babies have to rely on milk powder and English medicines when there is an easier, simpler solution.

Silence

• Why didn't YOU help "abc" person??...Don't YOU know how it would feel to have "a medical procedure" done to a-womb-containing-a-3-month-old-featus??......YOU call YOURSELF the Mother of the 3 worlds??....Why did YOU let that happen?

Silence

• Why are YOU silent Lalithamba? Why no answers? Why no light-bulbs-going-on now? Give me one good reason Lalithamba..
• Don't YOU dare say "It is that person's karma"....Don't YOU dare say "This is Kali Yuga and this is how things will be".....Those reasons do not apply to YOU.....If YOU are really beyond time and karma, don't YOU dare give me such petty reasons....YOU are the expert in advaita, right?....Give me one good reason why YOU let it happen...One good advaitic reason.

Silence

• Don't YOU reside in the swadhistana chakra? When that is the case, what a pity that in this 21st century, women have to resort to cesarian operations instead of a natural delivery.....
• Lalithamba I'm asking YOU, what percentage of women have natural delivery Vs cesarian?....Why are YOU not doing anything about it?......Why do YOU let doctors tear-open-the-womb?...Could those doctors have done it, if YOU didn't want them to?...Again, don't YOU dare say "Kali yuga" and "a person's karma" as the reason....That may apply to mortal-beings but not to YOU....How could YOU make so many mistakes Lalithamba?

Silence

• Now, Lalithamba what is the name of YOUR minister? (I forgot HER name)....Why can't I remember things properly?.....YOU O Devi the-minister-of-Lalithamba, what kind of advise have YOU been giving Lalithamba? Couldn't YOU have done something about it?.... Couldn't YOU have let Lalithamba know that so much of injustice is going on?
• YOU O Varahi, I know that YOU have so abundantly blessed me, but how could YOU have not warned Lalithamba?....YOU are HER Commander-in-chief, right?? What were YOU doing?...How could YOU let so much of injustice go on in this world? Why didn't YOU atleast do something about it?
• YOU, ALL of the 64 crores of GODDESS who live in the Srichakra, why didn't anyone of YOU do something about it? How could ALL of YOU fail??....Every single one of YOU have failed, ALL of YOU are guilty...Every single one of YOU are an accessory-to-the-crime, aiding and abetting the crime and YOU O Lalithamba are the biggest failure.....Why did YOU not do anything about it? Why are YOU asleep Lalithamba?...Even Kumbhakarna sleeps only for 6 months in an year. How long have YOU been sleeping?

 Silence

•  Lalithamba, I'm sorry to tell YOU this but whatever-is-the-mess-in-this-world, it is because of YOU.....YOU and YOU alone are responsible for it....YOU have let things go beyond control....Could any of these things have happened, if YOU didn't want them to happen?.....Give me an answer Lalithamba....One good advaitic answer.
• Lalithamba, do YOU know what cancer is?...Cancer is defined as the "uncontrolled division of cells"......That is what has happened to YOU Lalithamba.....YOU have let things go uncontrolled....I'm sorry to be the one to give YOU this diagnosis, but YOU have cancer Lalithamba....And that too happened because of YOU.

Silence

• What is the use of talking about corruption in the world, corruption in different countries when there is corruption in the COSMOS?...YOU have failed Lalithamba..

Silence

• Lalithamba, what makes YOU think that I won't question YOU?.....What makes YOU think that I will be one among those people who say "It is all HER will"?....When I was totally ignorant, I had a bunch of questions to ask God....Now that I know that everything happens according to YOUR will, what makes YOU think that I won't question YOU??.....
• If YOU didn't want me to question YOU, YOU should have let me be ignorant.... Why did YOU wake-up the sleeping giant?

Silence

• Has anybody questioned YOU Lalithamba?....Have YOU let anybody do that??.....Why?...Why not?
• {Thinking} What did Guruji tell us during the online class? Didn't He mention something about "some laser-related project" that he wanted to do but people had objected to His thinking?...Why can't I remember things properly?
• Lalithamba, YOU know exactly what I'm referring to...Why did YOU do such a thing??....Why do YOU send a person to do YOUR work & then give Him obstacles?....What makes YOU think YOU can get away with it??...Why did YOU give my Guruji all those obstacles??...Give me one good advaitic reason.

Silence

• Silence is not the answer Lalithamba...It's not good enough for me.....Matha-Pitha-Guru-Deivam, right??........I am YOUR Mother and YOU are my daughter remember??....That means that "Matha-Pitha-Guru-Deivam" rule does not apply to me, and YOU being a GODDESS come after my Guruji....How dare YOU give my Guruji all those obstacles?...How dare YOU Lalithamba?
• How many people have YOU sent to do YOUR work?
• Adi Shankaracharya - He came, He preached, He went away...Could he have left out women, if YOU didn't want it to happen that way?
• The different avatars of Narayana - He came, He preached, He went away
• The different Gurus that YOU've sent - They came, They preached, They went away
• What's changed after all this?....Other than the fact that each of YOUR representatives have ended up having "x number of temples", "y number of devotees" and "z number of trusts/organizations".....What's changed Lalithamba?
• {Thinking} Didn't I read somewhere that even the hundial offerings at certain temples are used-up by certain governments to run the state?.....Lalithamba, why did YOU let that happen?.....No wonder politicians are corrupt....Could that have happened if YOU didn't want it to happen that way.....Even that is YOUR fault.
• What's the point Lalithamba, when clearly YOU are the one that needs-a-preaching.....YOU know what, YOU have just lost the right to ask me to do anything....YOU have lost the right to ask me to write down my experiences...I won't do it...I just won't...Didn't YOU say that Adi Shankaracharya never disobeyed YOU....Well, let Adi Shankara remain as Adi Shankara....This is Shankara version 2.0 and I won't do what YOU ask me to.....Not until YOU give me one good advaitic reason why I should write down my experiences....Just one reason Lalithamba....Can't YOU do even that??...And if not, then what kind of a GODDESS are YOU?
• How do YOU expect me to trust YOU?....How can I believe that YOU won't cause obstacles for me?

Silence

• Lalithamba,do you have a HR department {Human Resources}....Who does all the hiring for YOU?? How do YOU choose YOUR Upasakas?.....When YOU are present everywhere, then what is all that about "Only someone who is chosen by DEVI gets Sri Vidya. It is said you do not choose Sri Vidya, but Sri Vidya chooses you. When you get it, when you look back, you will see how you have been guided slowly and surely to your Guru."......Why the partiality?...How can YOU contradict YOURSELF?
• YOU call YOUR vidya "the best vidya"....If so, how many people know about it & seek it?....If a few, then how come it's the best when there are no seekers?
• How many people seek YOU Lalithamba? If YOU are the best, why don't YOU have people flocking to know more about YOU....Why is it that people think that it's prestigious to work for a MNC {Multi National Corporation}, or a Fortune 500 company when clearly ALL the wealth is with YOU?......If YOU haven't been able to convince people, if YOU haven't been able to "hire people", what kind of an organization are YOU running? 

 Silence

Why the silence Lalithamba? How many more of YOUR mistakes do YOU want me to point out?

Silence

• YOU call this country a maatru-boomi? What is so "punyam" about this land Lalithamba, when there isn't ONE sloka that helps one conceive a GIRL-BABY?.... Is there one such sloka?... If no, why not?.....And if yes, then why didn't YOU bring that sloka into my life??...The Santana Gopala mantram is for getting a boy baby, right?.... If not, why did YOU make me think that it was??...Either way YOU look at it, anyway YOU look at it, it is ALL YOUR fault.
• YOU call this country a punya-boomi?...... Maybe once-upon-a-time, long-long-ago, so-long-ago, that everybody-has-forgotten-how-long ago, it was a punya boomi.....Is it a punya boomi now?.... I don't remember reading in any historical stories that there was a swayamvara for men and "women lined up so that men can choose them"....Weren't women given a choice to choose their life partner?.... Weren't such swayamvaras held so that A WOMAN can choose her partner? ---- Sita Devi, Draupadi, Damayanti, Savitri etc all of them chose their husbands....It wasn't forced upon them....Lalithamba I'm asking YOU, a direct one-to-one question, is such a system alive today?......If no, why not?.....If yes, then what are all the inter-caste marriage, inter-religion marriage, inter-country marriage fights all about?....Why a "separate section in any school/college/government" application form that gives you a bunch of options to choose from - a bunch of 'caste' options....Could that have happened if YOU didn't want it to happen?....Why did YOU let it happen?...Give me one single advaitic reason...
• YOU know what will happen if I write down all this?...The non-Hindu people may say that these are the reasons why one should convert into "xyz" religion.....Little will they realize that these happenings are also applicable to people who are "Non-Hindus" and if God is one, then their God is equally guilty too....If people were-to-think that way, then even that will be YOUR fault Lalithamba.

Silence

  

• Lalithamba, why are YOU not answering me?
• If at this stage of having received the Maha Sodasi mantra, if I am YOU, then I am angry....Why are YOU not angry Lalithamba?...How can YOU remain silent?
• I know it sounds silly, "me" asking "YOU" for one single advaitic reason, but even these thoughts are because of YOU...Even that is YOUR fault...Why do YOU give me such angry thoughts?...Even that is YOUR fault....Why can't I be "neutral" like Guruji?....

Silence

  

• Fine, if YOU are going to behave as if the rules of the mortal-world apply to YOU, then YOU know what, it does.
• There is one another rule in this mortal world that is going to apply to YOU......YOU are guilty until proven innocent...YOU ARE GUILTY Lalithamba and if YOU can make so many mistakes, then YOU are not Divine and if YOU are not Divine then I don't want YOU.

And I forgot that all of this had happened.

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu