My conversations with HER - Part 21 - Written on 1st December 2011:
Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu
Deepavali 2011:
That afternoon, I telephoned Arjunaacharya and while talking to him, I thanked him again for performing the Varahi Kola mukhi puja for my family..I was a little hesitant to mention about the revelations, as I still couldn't 100% believe what SHE told me, let alone know from where to start my-Ramayana-like-proportion-story???...Arjunaacharya, there was one thing that you said, that I clearly remember - As I was telling you about the 5 mukhi rudhraksha that Pranav was given, you said you were looking at the rudhraksha tree outside your house..After our conversations
Me: Lalithamba, does Arjunaarcharya know who I am, who YOU are telling me that I am?
SHE: He will know it, by the time you reach this point of your writings. Remember those things that you wrote but didn't email him?
Flashback on - "Those things that I wrote but didn't email him":
It was an email that I had sent to both aacharya & Arjunaacharya, introducing them to one another...Two people, who independently held the 'passwords' to my continued spiritual journey.....At the end of the email, I had typed "Arjunaacharya, both you and I are now a part of the same Guru lineage....We both have the same Guru - Guru Amritananda of Devipuram, AP....That makes us sahodara or siblings".....I felt silly writing it and I thought "I'm just an LKG-student in the school-of-Srividya and Arjunaacharya is like a PhD holder and a Guru himself...How silly it sounds for me to tell this to him".....So I deleted that paragraph.
SHE: Remember those thoughts that you've had as a child?
Flashback on - "Those thoughts I've had as a child":
As a child, I've always felt that I'm missing an elder brother...I'm not sure if my father remembers this conversation, but I do....One day I had asked my father "Why don't I have an elder brother?"....And my father told me "Me being the eldest child myself, I can understand your question...But be happy with what you've got and make sure that you take good care of your younger brother so that he doesn't miss his elder sibling"....That only partly answered my question....Years later, when my son Pranav was born I had thought "My daughter will have what I don't...She will have an elder brother."
SHE: Your Arjunaacharya is the one whom you've been missing.
That evening, my father and I were visiting the Bali Amman temple at Villivakkam, Chennai.....This is a temple that I've grownup with....Almost all major occasions - Pongal, Deepavali, Tamil New Year's day etc, as my parents & I visited our grandparent's house, we would stop-by this temple....My father and late-grandfather knew the priest at this temple and my family would sometimes sit inside the inner sanctum, as abisekham was done to HER....That evening, as my father & I stood before HER
SHE: Ask the priest the name of the Goddess
Me: But Lalithamba, I know HER name....It's Bali Amman...Why do YOU want me to ask something that I already know?
But the intuition was persistent....So,
Me: Fine, I'll ask if YOU want me to ask.
And I asked the priest
Me: What's the name of the Goddess?
The priest at the temple: SHE is called as Bali Amman and (as the priest continued talking)
Me: See Lalithamba, I told YOU.....It is Bali Amman
The priest at the temple: (As the priest finishes his talk) ....SHE is represented as a young girl.
Me, asking the priest: SHE is represented as a young girl?......Is this Bala Tripura Sundari??
The priest at the temple: No No....SHE is called Bali Amman....Balika, in sanskrit means a young girl and SHE is this village deity and Amman here is represented as a young girl.
Me, asking the priest: Is SHE 9 years old?
The priest at the temple: Yes...A young girl of 9 years.
Me: Bala Tripura Sundari - my Divya Guru.....I grew up before HER....
Me: Didn't I read somewhere -- Only someone who is chosen by DEVI gets Sri Vidya. It is said you do not choose Sri Vidya, but Sri Vidya chooses you. When you get it, when you look back, you will see how you have been guided slowly and surely to your Guru.
Silence
A few days later, my husband was back from AP & said "Since we have some extra time, let's also visit Tirupati"......So, we did.....And just like Guruji asked me to, I kept chanting the Maha Sodasi Mantra, all the time...
While standing in queue at Tirupati, my thoughts were:
Me: {Thinking} Didn't I read a story somewhere that inorder to marry Padmavathi Devi, Tirupati Balaji had taken a huge loan from Kubera and He was still repaying the interest on the loan??
Narayana, Why did YOU have to take such a huge loan?? Why couldn't YOU learn to "live within YOUR means"??.....What kind of a wrong example are YOU giving people, if YOU YOURSELF couldn't conduct YOUR marriage "within YOUR means"??
So, I said "Whatever is the merit of chanting this Maha Sodasi mantra, I give it all back to YOU O BRAHMAN in the form of Tirupati Balaji......Narayana, I hope this helps YOU to repay YOUR debts soon...Who knows maybe like the Sree Padmanabha Swamy Temple of Thiruvananthapuram, Kerala, this temple too may hold some hidden treasures and it might help YOU repay YOUR loan"
Narayana must have heard me....Why??.....Because we stood in queue for 7.5 hours --- the longest ever in the history-of-our-visit-to-Tirupati.
Me: Narayana, just because I asked YOU to repay YOUR debt, are YOU going to make me stand in queue this long?? Do YOU really have THAT BIG of a loan that I have to chant the Maha Sodasi Mantra all this while??
And I continued chanting the Maha Sodasi Mantra and every few minutes would say "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu"
And by the way, it started raining, when after 7.5 hours, we finally had HIS dharsan and came out.....I was too tired to really notice it then.
As I type this:
BRAHMAN, I have done what YOU asked me to do....I have written down my experiences and all that remains to be written is the journey from "(n-1)" to "n" ---- journey from me being "Lalithamba" to "YOU".....Before I do that, YOU have to keep up YOUR end-of-the-bargain...Let me give YOU a few reasons why
- Who is asking whom to do what? -- YOU can take it as 1) It's all YOUR doing or 2) Nothing is being done.
- When I am YOU, isn't merely "the thought" enough, for things to happen?
- If I am HER, then it is all HER doing, isn't it?
- When Adi Shankaracharya composed the Kanakadhara Stotram and was able to convince Sri Lakshmi to shower HER blessings on that poor woman, who had, but given Him "one small gooseberry"
- If I am Shankara or Siva indeed
Then how can YOU not do what I asked YOU to do.
What I asked YOU to do:
If I am Shankara or Siva indeed, then
- Let all the obstacles that my Guruji encountered-in-the-past-present-and-future be shattered and may His glory spread worldwide.
- As proof of my identity, let it rain down "One mukhi Nepal-variety-type-round rudhraksha beads, the size-of-which-I-saw-at-my-neighbour's-house" from that rudhraksha tree that Arjunaacharya said he was looking-at when he spoke to me on the day of Deepavali.
- If it is true that a one mukhi rudhraksha is "Sakshat Siva Swarupa" then how can it not be abundantly present on Earth, when I am here?
- If there-is-such-a-thing that I was angry with my then-past-Namboodiri-Brahmin-family over the funeral rites-of-my-then-mother Aryamba, then I forgive them all and here are the reasons why
Advaitic answer- Who is forgiving whom, over what?
Dualistic answer - The credit for this goes to Arjunaacharya of Meppad Temple, Kerala..Why? Because he has helped me a lot in this lifetime.
O dear BRAHMAN, won't YOU do that please?
And please ask Arjunaacharya to send me photographs of those round one-mukhi rudhrakshas.
BRAHMAN: I just did.
Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu