Saturday, February 4, 2012

My conversations with HER - Part 4

My conversations with HER - Part 4 – Written on 2nd November 2011, after my India Trip

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

The Happenings in August 2011:

It was on August 1st or 2nd that I realized the nature of my "ashuddha bhakti". Quote from that website

"Prema which involves a desire of any kind cannot be bhakti. Many worship the Lord for various desires and some for mokSha or salvation. shAstra rejects both these attitudes as ashuddha bhakti. A true bhakta showers prema on the Lord without any desire, be it bhukti or mukti.

It is said:

bhuktimuktispR^ihA yAvat pishAchI hR^idi vartate |
tAvat bhaktisukhasyAtra kathamabhyudayo bhavet ||

Till the ghost of desire for bhukti and mukti lingers in one's heart, how can true premarUpI bhakti arise?Moreover, mokSha kAmi is the greatest of kAmi-s."

It was on August 3rd that I had written my 'mini-Ramayana' story to be sent to the 'Online Srividya class' email id, to be considered for joining the class....I didn't know what the 'selection process' was and I was eagerly awaiting any kind of response.

August 4th was when I received an email from Guruji with guidelines to join the class and it was on the very same day that "Varahi kola mukhi" pooja was scheduled to be done at the Meppad temple, Kerala...

A few days after the Varahi pooja was done, one morning as I woke up, my thoughts were all repeatedly about BRAHMAN...I could sense that 'something' had changed within me and I thanked Varahi devi for HER blessings...

7th August 2011 - Basic 1 of Online Srividya class offered by Devipuram

It was the first online Srividya class and Guruji had taught us the Guru Parampara...That night as I was getting reading to go to bed, I thought " Shouldn't I think of my Guruji before I go to sleep?....I haven't yet memorized the Guru mantra.....Until I do so, let me casually think of Guruji and my Guru parampara".... And I would say

Good night Guruji Amritananda of Devipuram
Good night Guruamma Annapoornaamba of Devipuram
Good night Siddha Guru Swaprakasananda of Anakapalli
Good night Divya Guru Bala Tripurasundari
Good night BRAHMAN.

YOU don't sleep, do YOU BRAHMAN??... So, if "I" sleep and "I" represents the 3 states of waking, sleep and 'what-ever' is the 3rd state, what are YOU BRAHMAN??


Are YOU the 4th state - Turiya??..... I'm too tired BRAHMAN, we'll continue the discussion tomorrow.... Even though YOU don't sleep, Goodnight BRAHMAN.

The next day, as I woke up, my first thoughts were:

Good morning BRAHMAN
Good morning Guruji Amritananda of Devipuram
Good morning Guruamma Annapoornaamba of Devipuram
Good morning Siddha Guru Swaprakasananda of Anakapalli
Good morning Divya Guru Bala Tripurasundari

And my day would begin......

14th August 2011 - Basic 2 of Online Srividya class offered by Devipuram

Guruji had taught us how to draw the complete Srichakra & had asked us to give it to people as a token of love & gratitude. He had said that it would attract unimaginable abundance to both the giver & recipient. So, I started drawing the Srichakra....I would wake up at 3.45am like I usually do & after doing some yoga, bathing etc I would start to draw it...I had until 5.30am after which I had my 'earthly duties' of preparing breakfast, lunch etc....It took me about an hour to draw the inner part of Srichakra and the rest of it would be drawn on another day....It took me about a week to draw one complete Srichakra and colour it. I had an urge to give Guruji the first copy of my first drawing of Srichakra.....So I scanned it & emailed it to Guruji......I thought "It takes me 1 week to draw one Srichakra...Guruji had asked us to draw 108 Srichakras and give it to people...That would take me atleast 108 weeks. That's too long".....

I was then reminded of a time-management tip that I learnt in the 'materialistic world'.....In one of the Quixtar/Amway entrepreneurship meetings, I was told "It's a lot easier for 100 people to do 1% of the work than one person to do 100% of the work by himself/herself"...

So, I thought "Why not send the scanned copy of the drawing to as many people as possible? When I draw another one, I can send that later to others".....And I thought of the people to send it to....All I could comeup with was the names of the people who helped me reach the present stage of my spiritual journey...Aacharya {Dr. S Ramakrishna Sharma}, Gurukkal at Meppad Sampradhaya {hereafter called Arjunaacharya} and Dr. Pillai at {who I relate to, not as Dr. Pillai but who according to the naadi leaves was Sage Agastiar in another lifetime......My Sage Agastiar, whose help & guidance I have been mentally requesting everyday}....So, I emailed them all a copy of the Srichakra drawing.

21st August 2011 - Basic 3 of Online Srividya class offered by Devipuram

Guruji taught us the PranaPratishta mantra, Panchadasi mantra, Viraja homam, Yoganidra meditation etc ......I thought " At last, Panchadasi mantra from my guru.....I can now chant it without any restriction"

Didn't I already come across this mp3 audio earlier this year when "researching about Guruji and Devipuram" ??.....I had thought "What kind of Panchadasi mantra is this?? There are 3 extra words in it. {Amrita, Ananda, Janani}"..... Sorry Guruji, but the thought did come.. But at that time, I didn't chant the Panchadasi mantra as I had read that it was supposed to come from a Guru...

In the Viraja homam mp3 audio, Guruji had asked us to imagine the form of the Divine we wish to merge into, after we leave the physical body....I thought " I want to merge into BRAHMAN....But how do I imagine BRAHMAN who is in each one of us? How can I visualize IT?"......So, I said " Since I'm unable to visualize YOU  O BRAHMAN, I imagine that, THAT nameless, formless, attributeless, genderless entity called BRAHMAN has taken the name, form and gender of LALITHA TRIPURA SUNDARI & I visualize BRAHMAN in the form of Lalithamba.....Sorry Lalithamba but I want BRAHMAN, not YOU...I want THAT THING that Nachiketa asked Lord Yama in the Kathopanishad....I've wasted enough lifetimes pursuing temporary things...In this lifetime, I want what's permanent...Mathematically speaking, if BRAHMAN can be denoted as "n", then YOU O Lalithamba is (n-1)....If I reach YOU O Lalithamba, then the next step is BRAHMAN...Sorry Lalithamba but I don't want YOU. I accept that I'm using YOU to reach BRAHMAN"....And thereafter whenever I felt like seeing IT, talking to IT, I visualize HER and talk to HER...I was still alternating between calling IT BRAHMAN and Lalithamba..

During the  "Yoga Nidra Meditation", Guruji had asked us to take a sankalpa with a strong will power and do it regularly for 40 days....As I sat contemplating on what sankalpa to take, I was reminded of a commentary on Katha Upanishad that I had read... That website had said

"Know that the Self is the rider, and the body the chariot; that the intellect is the charioteer, and the mind the reins."

Whatever little I understood & recollected of it, I thought " It's time BRAHMAN took control of the chariot/vehicle called my life.....I said "My sankalpa for the ' Yoga Nidra meditation' is that I put the SELF {or BRAHMAN} in-charge of my life.....IT has always been in-charge... It's due to my ignorance that I thought that I am the doer of things. I wish to experience how life would be if IT is in control, if IT is in the "driver seat" and "I - the ego" am just a-passenger-in-the vehicle..... You know BRAHMAN, in the materialistic world, before one get's a 'permanent position' at work, one is given a 'temporary position' --- To see how good one is at the job....If YOU O BRAHMAN do a good job in the next 40 days, then YOU will be permanently appointed...If not, then "I - the ego" will be back in-charge "

{As I type the above, I realize how foolish and silly it sounds, but then again, those thoughts did come.}

And I downloaded & listened  to Guruji's instructions of the "e1_yoganidra.mp3" file. The first few times, I fell asleep while listening to the audio file and woke up as soon as the audio stopped...I thought "Guruji, in the mp3 audio had repeatedly asked us to stay awake and "I" fell asleep"... I was then reminded of my sankalpa and I thought "Well, "I" am not in-charge of how things turn out... If that is what IT wants to do, if IT is going to put me to sleep, then so be it"....It felt good that "I" was not responsible for anything, that "I" had IT to take the 'blame' and 'credit' for all my actions.....

There were days when I wasn't able to listen to the "e1_yoganidra.mp3" file in the evening {as Guruji suggested us to do} because by the time I finished all the evening household work and put my 3 year old son to sleep, I myself was fast asleep...The next day,on waking up, there was a guilt for a moment, that I wasn't able to regularly do the Yoganidra meditation as Guruji had asked us to do, but my sankalpa was my console --- that IT was in-charge of my life, that "I" am not responsible for how things turn out...I said "It's all YOUR doing BRAHMAN. "I" did nothing."

 At work, I had an upcoming trip to San Jose, California that was planned a few months in advance. I was to be out-of-town for four days and I thought "How can I continue my spiritual meditations when I'm going to be travelling?" I was reminded of my Yoganidra sankalpa and I said " YOU do what YOU want BRAHMAN. It's YOUR problem how YOU manage to do it." The four days when I was away from home, "I" did whatever "I" could do. I was staying with my brother and his family at San Jose, California and hadn't yet told them about all of my spiritual practices. I didn't have the Viraja homam and Yoganidra mp3 files with me and didn't want to use my brother's computer to download the files. I only knew the panchadasi mantra byheart and so, that's all I chanted. My first day in California, as I sat down to begin my morning meditations, I thought "I'm in San Jose, California.....This is the place which is always famous for it's random earthquakes - the San Andreas Fault belt lies here somewhere."

SHE: Remember all those questions that you had asked aacharya?

Me: Yes

SHE: You had talked the talk. Now, it's time for you to walk the walk. Practise what you preached.

Me: "I" did nothing Lalithamba. It's all YOUR doing. It's YOU who made me ask all those questions. Could I have done it, if YOU didn't want me to?

Me: I must write down my experiences but Lalithamba, before I start sharing my conversations with aacharya, shouldn't I check with him if it's ok for me to do so? Those conversations were between the both of us. Don't I need his approval before I share those conversations?

SHE: Didn't I intutively ask you to share the conversations? You need his permission only if you think that he and I are different.

All those questions:

My questions to aacharya: There are a few questions that I'm unable to get a clarity on. I ask this, because I like to know how people who are 'THERE' view things. I am still in the "I" mode, so maybe that's why these questions come up. For eg. How will you react when you see 2 people quarrelling ? Would you think "It's 2 Saktis quarrelling. Who am I [a Shakti myself] to interfere?" or would you interfere if the situation was severe? Would you let things take its own course knowing that it's HER will or will 'you' who is HERSELF exercise 'your i.e HER' will to solve a situation?

I'm not trying to sound egoistical, I'm trying to understand ....I've read tons of articles to know that one cannot grasp the unknown using the known...I do not want that to be an excuse for me not asking these questions..

Aacharya's response: These queries are, as you expect those who are "THERE" to respond, confounded with Divine Identity, Divine Instrument and eGo level of action and reaction. From the platform of "THERE", things happen according to the scheme of Divine Laws. If in the scheme one has the role of intervening to set right the things in a particular context, that also will be part of the whole episode.
Letting things take its own course does not prevent the helping hand to help. That is, in fact, highest form of devotion. On the one hand, it is all done by HER; on the other hand, SHE has made the best choice of instruments(Nimittam) for things to happen. But personally I do not take the thought I AM doing everything. I am just a wave in the Ocean.

My response to his response: Aacharya, "I am just a wave in the Ocean"
I would rephrase that sentence. For ordinary ignorant people, who haven't realised the Self, they are like the wave in the Ocean. But for someone who is a realised soul, that person is like the TSUNAMI in the ocean as the equation I = MIND no longer applies to such a person and hence I = HER = TSUNAMI in the ocean with the power to change the lives of many [for the good in my example].

I had read
here that a full fledged Tantra practitioner will no longer be governed by the normal rules of Karma because s/he has the right attitude. If that is the case, then YOU = HER = have the power to make earth an heaven....As you say in your signature line "you are not a prisoner of your past but the master of your future"...That applies to ignorant people like me, but for YOU = HER, that is like being in hand with the creator to make a better world, to anonymously change the life of many people. Like the saying goes "Coincidences are God's way of remaining anonymous"..I don't mean to contribute to your ego/mind but given that there are only a handful of enlightened people who are THERE, isn't it like 'you' being on HER side to help HER help humanity? Aren't YOU = HER on the same team? Given that you've made it, shouldn't 'you = HER' help others make it in this or future lifetimes?? 

I had read somewhere that great Beings of the past [like Ramana maharishi and other Rishis], unable to help transform humanity had 'deposited' their energy in sacred spots like Thiruvannamalai/ Kailash Mansarover etc so that people who visit such places maybe benefitted..

If indeed 'you' are THERE, then a mere visit of 'you' to the govt hospitals [anonymously] would be enough to bring about some transformation to the patients there..If 'your' morning walks take 'you' to the less fortunate part of the society, then maybe the rikshawalla or the auto drivers living there would find that day to be less stressful..Maybe it would be a day where they earn Rs 200 instead of the usual Rs 100 [random example]...To them, that would be like winning the lottery, even though they may not realise it..

Doesn't the very fact that you've made it, proof enough that you are a part of HER Divine scheme?

Forgive my 'wild' thoughts but these are some questions that I've wanted to ask HER and I'm asking 'you'.

It was time for me to practise what I preached. As I sat thinking, my eyes fell on the rudhraksha japa mala in my brother's pooja altar. I was wearing all of my rudhraksha malas & bracelets but I didn't bring along my rudhraksha japa mala. So, I took my brother's japa mala and chanted one round of panchadasi mantra and at the end of it said " Whatever is the merit earned by chanting the panchadasi mantra, especially chanting it on a rudhraksha mala, which according to Devi Bhagavatham, doing japam on a rudhraksha mala is a few lakh or crore times extra punya compared to doing japam without using a rudhraksha mala, I give it all back to YOU O MOTHER EARTH"... And I placed my hands on the ground and gave deeksha to MOTHER EARTH and said "May YOU be healed, may YOUR burden be lessened, may YOUR anger subside, may the San Andreas Fault belt be healed"

At work, I was later told that, on that day, there was a 3.0 earthquake that morning. Co-incidence? Ask BRAHMAN.... IT was in-charge of how things turned out.

And so, for the next 3 days, California and MOTHER EARTH received deeksha and all the merit obtained by chanting the Panchadasi mantra on a rudhraksha japa mala.

28th August 2011 - Basic 4 of Online Srividya class offered by Devipuram

Guruji taught us the Dasa Maha mudras and Khadgamala stotram. As I reviewed the Khadgamala stotram, I was surprised to find out that the "b4_8_ksfinal.doc" was the same version, though in a pdf file format, that I had come across a month or so ago. The FAQ's before the start of the stotram clearly mentioned that one could chant it without a guru and so, I had been listening to it for quite sometime.
The first time I came across the pdf document of the Khadgamala stotram {On Shakti Sadhana yahoo group }, as I was reading the document, when I reached the last part of "Anganyasa or Body Empowerment" which said:

bhürbhuvasvaraù om iti digbandhaù.

I protect my body and the place of sadhana with the beejas "bhoorbhuvaswaraH AUM" and no negativity can penetrate this protective wall.

Snap your fingers around your head as protection. As you do so, imagine a wall of fire surrounding you; in effect, the place of your sadhana is protecting you from all negativities that may be around you, while allowing all positive vibrations to reach you.


SHE: Now you know what he was doing.

Flashback on "what he was doing" :

This incident happened 11-12 years ago, when I was in college in Chennai, India.....I think I was in my final year of college and had applied to a few universities in USA for admission into the MS program and was making the usual temple visits with my list of "requests to God" on getting MS admission, getting scholarships etc....I can't recall the exact temple where the incident happened and vaguely think it was the Ayappan temple at Anna Nagar, Chennai where as the priest entered the inner sanctum of the temple, he snapped his fingers around his head and I thought "What is he doing waving his fingers around his head?? I do not see any mosquitoes or flies around his head"

Very clever of you O Laithamba for making me think that way....

But I was also stunned to know that, that incident which happened so long ago, which I didn't remember at all until I read the last part of the "Anganyasa or Body Empowerment" of the Khadgamala stotram, was so deeply embedded in my subconscious mind and SHE now answered the question that I had wondered about so long ago....

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu