Revelations from MY GURU

Revelations from MY GURU

My observations, as questions arise WITHIN and answers are revealed. These are randomly asked questions and I note down the answers as they are revealed – sometimes revealed immediately, sometimes a while later.



I lay it all at YOUR feet Guruji, the feet that are WITHIN ME and the feet outside that I haven't yet had a chance to touch.

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

Srichakra drawing

I feel like sharing this wealth with all of you. Learn to draw the Srichakra. It will bring unimaginable abundance to you. It is the most easy & simple form of DEVI sadhana.

Instructions on how to draw it can be found here and here.

If for some reason, you are unable to draw it, you can still be benefitted. I give to you this drawing of Srichakra that I've personally drawn. I give it to you to bring love, abundance, joy, health and everything positive into your lives. Yes, it is perfectly safe to keep it at home. There is no need to fear anything. If at all there is something to be lost, it is the negativity, negative energy and ego in oneself  and that is a blissfull loss isn't it?

You can download it from here.

Also attached is a brief description on what a Srichakra is and some frequently-asked-questions on it. I've compiled this list from my Guruji's answers. You can download it from here.

"Giving-something-back-to-the-society" project

“Giving-something-back-to-the-society” project ---- Written on 10th December 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

My Dear Guruji,

I'm reminded that I have left out this item, in my writings....

Guruji, when I met YOU on 17th October 2011 and mentioned about this giving-something-back-to-the-society project,

Me: All that is missing now is Kubera and maybe once that happens, this project can begin.

Guruji: When one gets started on the project, all good things automatically follows.

  

Giving-something-back-to-the-society project:

Few years ago [I dug up my diary and it was actually on 28th Jan 2006], a thought came to me that "If time and money" were not a constraint [ie I had unlimited time and unlimited money], what would I do?.... I had written in a diary, a number of things beginning with materialistic things and ended up with giving-something-back-to-the-society....I said, well,  EVEN IF I had unlimited time & money, I still need a group of experts who know Vaastu & temple architecture to guide me.....And I told God, if this is your WILL, that this "giving-something-back-to-the-society project" should happen, you need to send me Lakshmi Devi/Kubera and also Viswakarma !!.....Even few months ago [February - March 2011], when my husband casually & jokingly reminded me of my "giving-something-back-to-the-society project", I said to myself, I have not yet met the 'initial conditions' ie time and money, let alone Viswakarma....If it is God's wish, maybe we would win the lottery & have money [read 'Lakshmi/Kubera'] but what about Viswakarma?? Is Viswakarma going to come out of thin air???

Well, BRAHMAN,

1. YOU brought Viswakarma into my life on 28th July 2011 in the form of Sri K.P Umapathy Aacharya   {Mentioned in "My conversations with HER - Part 10" of the series}
2. YOU brought HER - Lalithamba, into my life in the form of Sri Vidya - HER Vidya on 7th August 2011 {My Lakshmi Devi} {Mentioned in "My conversations with HER - 2" of the series}
3. And YOU revealed YOURSELF as ME on 31st October 2011 { My Kubera ---- Is there a greater wealth than one's own SELF?}

Sometime in June 2011:

One of the homas that Arjunaacharya {at the Meppad Temple } had recommended was the Sharabeswar homa....As I was 'researching' about what that homa meant, one of the websites that I came across was this site and I happened to read this pdf document .....It took me almost a week to finish reading the whole document and

  

Me: SHE told Dr Maneesh about the same thing that I had in mind.....It sounds almost like my giving-something-back-to-the-society project

The project:

This "random thought" came to me one day as I was reading some "Amar Chitra Katha" storybook.....I vaguely recall the book to be Amar Chitra Katha - Stories from Mahabharatha.....Page 1 of the storybook had a picture of a Yagna sthala and a few sages performing some yagna....So I had thought "Maybe one day, when I have all the time and money in the world, I can build a similar Yagna sthala.....A place where homas are done everyday to benefit people and mankind.....And who knows, maybe this Kali Yuga may not be so bad after all.....Not if such regular homas are done everyday"........

And I would day-dream, adding more details as time went by......I would imagine how the place would look like ------ a huge rectangular corridor which surrounds a pond-like structure in the middle, something similar to the Madurai Meenakshi Amman temple tank {at Madurai, India}....The pond would have

• Sky-blue colour bottom, something similiar to the modern swimming pools,
• Be filled with lotus flowers
• And in the middle of it, would be a little gopuram with a big 3D Srichakra

There would be a total of 108 homa kundams in the corridor and the corridor height would be very tall-enough to let the smoke out of the homa kundam.....No drawings or paintings on the corridor ceilings as they may get stained by the smoke...The outer side of the corridors will have various perennials plants, trees and flowers...Something like how Amar Chitra Katha describes all those hermitages of the sages...The place would be something like heaven on earth.....And ofcourse, there will be rudhraksha bead wall hangings, something like this ,  this and this on the corridors.....All of the 21 mukhis of rudhrakshas

There would also be a residence place for all the priests/pundits to stay and maybe a small vedic-school where 'vedic pundits' are trained...

And if the area is big enough, maybe also a Kalyana Mandapam {Marriage Hall}

October 2011 - As I stood in queue at Tirupathi:

Someone in the queue ahead of us was eating some raw peanuts and dropping the shells on the floor....I told him once "Don't drop it on the floor...Put it in the dustbin"...He nodded his head, a few minutes later, continued what he was doing.

Me: Lalithamba, why did YOU give him that thought?..Couldn't YOU have made him put it in the dustbin?....Look how dirty the whole queue area is - people dropping their tea cups, peanut shells etc...What makes one think that they can dirty HIS place [Tirupathi Balaji's place], stand in queue for a few hours, pray to HIM & HE will give people whatever they ask of HIM...

And as I looked to the other side, I saw a pond, surrounded by green vegetation and I was reminded of my giving-something-back-to-the-society project....I thought "Will the Yagna sthala also be dirty like this??...Why aren't Indians more responsible towards their environment??...Take most of NRIs....All that they have to do is, step into India and they resume their old behavior of dirtying their surroundings....The same people who, when in USA, Singapore etc take the trouble to properly 'trash' items, just throw it around in the streets in India."

Me: Lalithamba, if YOU are not going to do anything to make Indians be more responsible towards their surroundings, why do YOU want me to start the Yagna sthala project?.....Yes, the homas, pujas etc will help people, but is that all that there is??....Doesn't the outer environment matter at all?

SHE: What would you do if you were ME?

Me: Why do YOU want to know?.....As if it matters what I think....It's all YOUR doing anyway, isn't it?

SHE: Remember that sentence that you told your aacharya?

Flashback on - "that sentence that I told aacharya":

 ......but for YOU = HER, that is like being in hand with the creator to make a better world, to anonymously change the life of many people......I don't mean to contribute to your ego/mind but given that there are only a handful of enlightened people who are THERE, isn't it like 'you' being on HER side to help HER help humanity? Aren't YOU = HER on the same team?.....

SHE: Now that you have received the Maha Sodasi Mantra and YOU = ME, tell me what you would do.

Me: Fine...If it was me, if I am YOU, then I would make people earn-the-right to have such a place in India...Right now, according to me, they don't...Let me tell YOU what I think....YOU then do what YOU want

• YOU preach advaita right??...Then what difference does it make to YOU where this place is?....If this place is in India or abroad?
• If anything, some of the vedic people that I've come across, have this huge ego that India is such-a-punya-boomi and the rest of the world, compared to India, is a bad place to be.....If YOU are really an expert in advaita, how are YOU going to change this mentality?....What does a MOTHER do if HER child misbehaves??...What do I do if my 3 year old son misbehaves??.....I take away his toy and give it back to him only if he corrects his behavior.
• Lalithamba, even if all of these are my 'human/biased' thoughts, even if YOU were to tell me that, I have only 2 main things to point out to YOU.......Let's assume that this Yagna Sthala is built in Chennai, India, like the way YOU told Dr. Maneesh and Narasimha Rao of Vedic wisdom yahoo group , will YOU be able to overcome 2 main obstacles 1) In allowing ALL people --- irrespective of their caste, religion, belief or non-belief in God, to come & participate in the homas?....2) YOU are a woman, right Lalithamba??....Will YOU be able to allow women to come & participate in the homas irrespective of their monthly periods??.....Is India evolved enough to let that happen??.....I have a doubt Lalithamba....YOU call YOURSELF the MOTHER of all, Srichakra "houses" 64 crores of Devis, right??...... So, in a month, at any given time, atleast one of YOUR Devis must be having HER monthly periods, right??....So, how do people know when-to-pray-to-which-Devi??.....What if people pray to one of YOUR DEVIS when SHE is having HER monthly period??......Will SHE say "I refuse to answer your prayers now, as the timing is not correct?".....And if this rule doesn't apply to YOUR DEVIS, why do YOU let it happen to mortal-women?.....Could it have happened that way if YOU didn't want it to happen?....Atleast outside India, the rules are not this strict.....People - the very same Indians, in USA, would think twice before they dare say such a thing to an American woman......Atleast, when in USA, they might fear that they might be sued for "racial or gender discrimination"......Didn't aacharya mention something about some NRI contacting him recently about starting  some project related to "vedic practices"??.....Well, put that NRI in-touch with PVR Narasimha Rao, tell them about the change-in-venue and get the project started....
• If I am YOU, then I would start this project in USA....I would have P.V.R Narasimha Rao of the "Vedic wisdom yahoo group" head this project.....He's already sincerely following what YOU asked him to do...He has started the Homam movement   & has got a few thousands of people regularly do it in their homes....So, it's upto YOU to re-appear before him and his Guru Dr. Maneesh and tell them that "there-has-been-a-change-of-venue"....YOU really want to preach advaita??.....Get the project started in USA.....Maybe at a later stage, this project can happen in India too....Even if YOU were to tell me that USA is not-such-a-punya-boomi, let me ask YOU this --- What better place to start this project, but at the very place that is not-such-a-punya-boomi??
• These are just my thoughts Lalithamba.....Do what YOU want....

I was then reminded of all those questions that I had asked HER {My conversations with HER - Part 22 }....So

Me:  Lalithamba, how many more of YOUR mistakes do YOU want me to point out?...Who is YOUR boss Lalithamba??...Who do YOU report to??...I have a list-of-complaints-against-YOU......BRAHMAN, are YOU HER boss??...Just wait till I find YOU BRAHMAN..

Silence

And I continued chanting the Maha Sodasi mantra {and giving away the merit of chanting it}, so that I could find BRAHMAN & get some answers !!


After the incident on the return flight on 31st October 2011:

• BRAHMAN, if YOU alone are real, if everything else is just an illusion, then why do YOU want me to start that giving-something-back-to-the-society project??....Isn't that too unreal??
• Didn't you benefit from all those homas that you had done??...Did you not immediately feel the difference?

Once I came back to USA, I did contact P.V.R Narasimha Rao & tell him about the-change-in-venue and there is no response from him....So, maybe these were "just thoughts" that I should have been "just-watching" and not "respond to"...

Guruji, I had this "overwhelming instinct" to write down my experiences....And hence these writings....The only thing that I was seeking in this lifetime is the "Highest Truth" and I've realized IT.....I've also realized that one can do all the preaching that one wants but it's upto the recipient on how s/he takes it---- upto HER on the kind of thoughts SHE gives a person.....Guruji, I really don't know anything at all......Everything that is said in the Bhavani Ashtakam applies to me too....

I know YOU Guruji.....I know that YOU are in me, as my inner Guru.....That's all I know....And for me, that's good enough...

So, with YOUR permission, I go back to remain anonymous.

At YOUR feet Guruji, 

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

*** Update:  “Giving-something-back-to-the-society” project ---- Written on 3rd  January 2012:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu


My Dear Guruji,

On 31st December 2011, as simple-as-that, a thought came to me:

·   What do you think Dr. Pillai's San Diego Pillai retreat center is doing, if not the very thing that you said?....The project has already begun in USA...Daily homas are being done at the Pillai retreat center.

Guruji, I've also noticed a few changes in Dr. Pillai's messages....He has now asked for 'daily Siddha Blessing' ritual to be done at the retreat center "in order to bring in great light and wisdom for the planet"......Somewhere on his website, He said that in recent meditations, Goddess Angali Amman revealed to Him that SHE will awaken & live again with HER full power...


Guruji, "something" tells me, my conscious tells me that the Golden Age will begin in 2012....IT tells me "Didn't you ask all the Siddhas to merge into HER?.....Didn't you ask HER to awaken from HER slumber?"
 

Sometime during early November 2011:

One day, I had an urge to chant the Maha Sodasi mantra and I chanted one round of it, using my rudhraksha mala....On finishing the chant, I placed my hands on the ground and gave deeksha to "not just to MOTHER EARTH but the entire COSMOS" and said "Whatever is the merit obtained by chanting the Maha Sodasi mantra on a rudhraksha mala, I give it all back to YOU BRAHMAN.....May the entire COSMOS be benefitted".


Upon completion of the chant, my thoughts:

·   What were you doing?

·   I chanted the Maha Sodasi mantra and gave away whatever merit is obtained on chanting the mantra on a rudhraksha mala...Didn't I read in Devi Bhagavatham, that doing japam on a rudhraksha mala is a few lakh or crore times extra punya compared to doing japam without using a rudhraksha mala?....So I gave away all the merit.

·   You, by chanting the Maha Sodasi Mantra may have gained a few lakh or crore times punya....But if you had remained in “silence”, when you are IT, then you are at "infinity"....Which one do you think is greater? ---- Giving away a few lakh or crore times punya??  Or being at "infinity" times punya?

Silence

 After a few minutes,

·   BRAHMAN, couldn't YOU have told me this before I started chanting?....Why did YOU wait until I finished chanting to tell me this? It is all YOUR fault.

·   You are the one who keeps asking for "practical experience" isn't it?

·   Only because YOU make me ask it....Stop putting the blame on me and start taking responsibility for YOUR actions...Could I have done it if YOU didn't want me to?

Silence

After a while,

·   BRAHMAN, if I don't chant the Maha Sodasi Mantra, I might forget the mantra.

·   When the very purpose of the mantra is to make you forget that you are "not separate from IT", then the mantra is working, isn't it? When you are BRAHMAN, all that you need to remember is THAT. There is nothing else to remember.

And I stopped chanting the Maha Sodasi Mantra after that....I chant it occasionally when there is an inner urge to chant it, to give deeksha to someone...If not, I don't.


And now, IT tells me, that the entire COSMOS has benefitted from that deeksha...A golden age will indeed be born in 2012....The consciousness of mankind "will undergo a change", a change for the good.


At Your feet Guruji,

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

My conversations with HER - Part 14

My conversations with HER - Part 14  – Written on 21st November 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu


As I read & re-read the past writings, I'm amazed at how things have turned out....Maybe it was because of the "deadly-combination" of

1. Having Guruji in my life, which is a miracle by itself..
2. Having put BRAHMAN in-charge of my life during the Viraja homa sankalpa
3. Just doing what-ever I felt like doing, knowing that BRAHMAN is there to take the 'blame' and 'credit' for my actions...
4. Being blessed with 'selective amnesia'.

I'm reminded of exactly what I told Lord Yama during my Deva Tharpanam:

"Dear Yama deva, please don't be angry with me that I'm asking everyone to merge into BRAHMAN.....Please don't be angry that the hells will be empty and YOU will have nothing to do...YOU know in this 21st century, in the corporate world, one is given a certain amount of "vacation days"......Please, why don't YOU take a vacation for a while?......Maybe YOU can contemplate on BRAHMAN YOURSELF......I am 33 years old and maybe might live upto a 100 years.....That's another 67 more years on the earth plane = 67 days in YOUR world.....I don't know if people will continue to do tharpanams like this after I'm dead.....So, maybe all that is needed is for YOU to take a vacation for 67 days i.e if I live upto a 100 years......Won't YOU please do that??....If there is such a thing as hell, won't YOU please give ALL it's occupants a chance to merge into BRAHMAN?....I'm not joking Yama deva, I'm asking YOU, begging YOU..."

As I wonder, why I should write down all my experiences, especially the "what-appears-to-be-silly" part of my actions

SHE: Two reasons why...

1.  Weren't you the one who wanted to know the behind-the-scene-actions of people before they were enlightened?
2.  Just checking to see if you still have an ego or if you can accept even the 'what-seemed-like-silly" part of your actions...

!!!

Now, how does one respond to those reasons, except perhaps tell HER that if I do have an ego now, it is HER doing, HER ego !!!

Varalakshmi Vratham - August 2011

This vratham is something that I started doing after my marriage, as it's not observed in my parent's tradition but only done in my in-law's tradition...This year, as I was about to start the vratham, I was reminded of the 'drawing' of Srichakra that I had....Guruji was yet to teach us how to draw the 'complete Srichakra' and I had the 'incomplete drawing' of Srichakra (without the 8 & 16 petalled lotus and outer square enclosure) that I had drawn, by following the directions in the powerpoint document that aacharya had sent me last year.....So, I kept that 'incomplete drawing' of Srichakra and said "Sri Lakshmi, I don't know where YOU are in the Srichakra but I know that YOU are there somewhere in it.....So, where-ever YOU are in it, please accept this Varalakshmi vratham prayer"......I don't think I had a specific prayer to ask HER, especially not after being told about my 'ashudha bhakti', so I didn't ask HER for anything.

At the end of the vratham, as I was getting ready to go to work, I had my favorite CD playing in the background - Sacred chants- volume 5 ....This was a CD that I had since the year 2005 or 2006 and there were just 3 songs in the CD that I listen to very often - the 1st, 2nd and 5th song....The CD was playing as I was finishing-up my morning work and then the song "Bhavani Ashtakam" started playing.....The song went straight into my soul and I stood rooted-to-the-ground listening to the song....I thought "Who are YOU Bhavani, what could the song mean and why is it so mesmerizing ??....Is this why they call Sanskrit the 'language of the gods'....What do those words mean & why does it melt-my-heart??".......I've had this CD since the last 5 to 6 years and I don't think I've ever listened to this song before.....I listened to it again, again & again......That evening I 'googed' the song to see if I could find the exact meaning and also found it on YouTube. The video of the song made me think "Oh Bhavani is the same as Durga Devi".....But the meaning of the song was what I liked the best and I thought "Shankaracharya, you atleast knew Bhavani....I don't know even that.....All that I know is that SHE is some form of Devi, some form of BRAHMAN"

The song also made me realize what a 'beggar' I've been....I've always had a list of things to ask GOD....In this lifetime, never once in the last 33 years have I prayed to GOD just to make HIM/HER happy.....It has always been,"GOD, can you please give me "A,B & C" and when I got "A,B&C", it was "Thank you GOD for giving me "A,B&C", now can you please give me "D,E,F&G" ".......How selfish I've been...

I listened to this song as often as possible & there were nights when I've let the song play on 'repeat' mode and stopped it only on waking up in the morning.

Sometime during this month, I wondered "I've learnt from so many different sources...It's after receiving the Maha-deeksha from the Oneness University in 2006, that I'm able to atleast watch-my-thoughts for a few minutes......The various books and articles that I've read, I've benefited from those as well.....Will Guruji be upset with me, given that I've had so many different sources to teach me??.....

SHE: How did you describe Guruji when you sent that email to Dr. Pillai?

Me: When I had emailed a copy of the Srichakra drawing to Dr. Pillai, in addition to thanking him for his teachings/mantras, I had said "I have, after almost searching for eternity, finally found my Guru. And he taught me how to draw SriChakra & had asked us to give it to people as a token of gratitude.... "Who's your Guru?" you may ask. It's BRAHMAN ITSELF in the form of Guru Amritananda of Devipuram, India."

SHE: When you described your Guruji as BRAHMAN ITSELF, is there a form as to how this BRAHMAN should appear??.....All are, but IT'S forms..

{As I type this:

SHE: Didn't you also ask Dattatreya to teach you to be like HIM??....So that you too can learn from your environment?  }

11th September 2011 - Basic 5.2 of the online Srividya class offered by Devipuram

Guruji taught us the MahaGanapathy yantra puja and this was to be the last online class offered...Guruji also said that it was a 'happy co-incidence' that it happened to be the last day of "Ganapathy nimajjanam".....He told us that hereafter, each week, there would be materials posted on the Devipuram website and we were free to learn at-our-pace....

Guruji, there was one thing that you said that deeply sunk into me.....You said you were bringing Devipuram to us......BRINGING DEVIPURAM TO US.....And I thought "How confident must Guruji be, to say something like that....How absolutely sure he must be, to say that SHE was always with us, to say that HE was always with us.".... And then as simple-as-that, it came to me "My Guruji is a Brahmarishi...He has realized the Oneness of it all"

  

BRAHMAN was in-charge of my life and I did whatever meditations/prayers that "I" could do.....My early mornings were jam-packed with all the things that I was learning:

My own little prayers - few minutes

Prana Prathistapana mantra - 4 to 5 minutes

Khadgamala stotram - 10 minutes

Viraja homa - 20 minutes

Yoga nidra meditation - 20 minutes

And before I knew it, one hour was gone....There were times when I drew the Srichakra {with the Panchadasi mantra playing in the background} instead of doing the Yoga nidra meditation....There was absolutely no time to get it all done....And I thought "That website, the one who wrote that article, he was not joking......It really takes from daybreak to nightfall to do ALL these pujas and prayers !!!"

The only time I had, to do the MahaGanapathy yantra puja was in the weekends....The only time I had to listen to the "Kundalini mp3" audio [Panchadasi audio] was in the evening as I was preparing dinner....I thought "When I had all the time in the world, I was not able to chant the Panchadasi because it didn't come from "a guru" and now, when it did come from my Guruji, I have no time to chant it....What an irony"......I then remembered that someone had asked Guruji if it was ok to share these mantras with others and Guruji had said "Yes, but sometime in your lifetime, it would be good if you come & take a personal deeksha from me.".....So, I thought I'll just let the mp3 audio play in the background & maybe my husband & son can meet Guruji in India next month & all of us can take a personal deeksha from him...

I don't think I've ever waited so eagerly for anything.....I was so eager to go & meet Guruji....One more month to go...

  

The next few weeks of 'offline' Srividya class had information on how to do the Navagraha japa and the Rashmimala stotra ....As I listened to the Rashmimala stotra mp3, I wondered "How am I ever going to memorize all these??...I have such an horrible memory....Maybe once the 44 days of the present Viraja homa/Ganapathy tharpanam is over, I can begin to learn it"...The next day morning as I wokeup, in addition to saying

Good morning BRAHMAN
Good morning Guruji Amritananda of Devipuram
Good morning Guruamma Annapoornaamba of Devipuram
Good morning Siddha Guru Swaprakasananda of Anakapalli
Good morning Divya Guru Bala Tripurasundari 

I thought of the Rashmimala stotra mp3 audio and all that I remembered was "MahaGanapathy is present in the Mooladhara chakra and Varahi at the eyebrow chakra".....I didn't want to wait for a few weeks/months until I learnt the complete stotra and then chant it in the morning.....So, I thought "Surely all the GODS & GODDESS must be aware of the happenings in this 21st century....Okay....Now listen, all the GODS & GODDESS whose mantra comprise the Rashmimala Stotra, I may not know the exact words/mantras in the Rashmimala stotra, but surely YOU know it and YOU also know exactly where YOU are present in my body.....You see in this 21st century, when one goes to a restaurant, there are 2 options of "service" to choose from - the standard service where the waiter serves you and the buffet service where you serve yourselves....All of YOU GODS & GODDESS are used to the "standard service" where a Srividya upasaka thinks of YOU, invites/invokes YOU and chants YOUR respective mantras......But YOU see, since I'm not yet able to do that, I'm using the other buffet-service-type-of-prayer......Since I'm yet to learn and memorize the Rashmimala stotra, all that I can say right now is the word "Rashmimala stotra" and it's upto ALL of YOU to imagine the words/mantras etc that comprise this stotram....Okay??.....God helps those who help themselves, right??......Please help YOURSELVES to this Rashmimala stotra....Afterall, if the very purpose of the Rashmimala stotra is to think of YOU ALL, then I'm doing it, right???.....Even though I don't yet know exactly WHO ALL are 'included' in this Rashmimala stotra"

{Note to my dear Guruji: Oh Guruji, how innocently did you say "The GODDESS loves fun"....Well, here's another proof.....See what SHE made me think.....See what SHE made me do....It was all HER doing...}

And thereafter, in the morning, as I wokeup, I thought:

Good morning BRAHMAN
Good morning Guruji Amritananda of Devipuram
Good morning Guruamma Annapoornaamba of Devipuram
Good morning Siddha Guru Swaprakasananda of Anakapalli
Good morning Divya Guru Bala Tripurasundari 

Rashmimala stotra

   

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu 

My conversations with HER - Part 12

My conversations with HER - Part 12 – Written on 18th November 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

Happenings after Guruji came into my life - September 2011:

After Guruji came into my life, both before & during the online Srividya classes, I was able to better understand HER....I had thought "Guruji calls HER as the AWARENESS"

   

Me: That thought during my Maha-deeksha at Kalki Bhagavan's Oneness University in May 2006.....When the padukas were placed on my head, I had a glimpse of Lord Shiva and Mt. Kailash ....But the thought "Why didn't I see Parvathy Devi?"......That thought was YOU wasn't it Lalithamba??.....That awareness that I didn't see YOU, that was YOU wasn't it??

SHE: Go on and accept what you thought at that time....

Me: Very clever of YOU Lalithamba.....YOU made me think that "Why didn't I see Parvathy Devi??..SHE must have gone out to save-the-world-or-something.....

I was beginning to realize one thing --- how much of my life was controlled by my fears......Fear of almost everything --- insects, bugs, cockroaches, dogs, cats, what-people-thought etc.....Back in June 2011, while breaking my Nirjala Ekadasi fast, I was surprised to see that there was a dog infront of our house......Not once in the 11 years that I've been in the USA, not once in the last 6 years that we live at our present house, did a stray dog EVER come to our house.....All those stories that I had read in Amar Chitra Katha, about Gods coming in the form of dogs to test a devotee came to mind....I wanted to give the dog some food & all that was available in the morning was the milk after doing the SHREEM BRZEE abhisekam to the Lakshmi Saligram....So, I poured some milk & opened the garage door to keep the bowl outside....The dog did try to come near me & I was frightened.....I thought "If it bites me, I'll have to have injections to couteract it's bite".....And I stepped away saying "I don't know who you are, but I am frightened of dogs...So, please forgive me for not recognising you."

I was reminded of the above dog incident a number of times and wondered which God it might have been....

SHE: Isn't it enough to know that it was BRAHMAN in the form of a dog?

Maybe it was indeed due to all the prayers & pujas that were done until now, but I was able to face-my-fears....One day, while dropping my son at his daycare, I noticed that there was a black cat sitting on the walkway leading to the entrance.....My normal reaction would have been to take a different route, but I decided to be brave and walk-past-the-cat.....I was scared too but my only hope was "This too is a form of BRAHMAN"....And the cat did nothing.....It just sat there minding-it's-own-business.....The next day, as if to test me again, there were 2 cats sitting on the walkway and all I did was close my eyes and chant BRAHMAN, BRAHMAN........My 3 year old son was braver than me & wanted to 'play with the cats' and all I could think of was "Are the cats vaccinated?....Are their nails clipped/cut??...If it scratches me, will I need an injection?".....FEAR in different forms, but FEAR nevertheless

After the frequent thoughts of BRAHMAN i.e after the Varahi puja done at Meppad Temple, I was able to atleast recognize that I have so many fears.....My only consolation - everything that I was scared of was BRAHMAN, including the pitch black darkness at night.....And I was searching for the practical experience of BRAHMAN....So, I told myself "I need to face my fears."

Sometime after Guruji came into my life, while reading some Srividya material, I read that Srividya was described as "Atmavidya, Brahmavidya"

Me: Brahmavidya? ...That story that I repeatedly read as a child, in Amar Chitra Katha - Vishwamitra, the fight between Sage Vasistha and Sage Vishwamitra over Viswamitra being acknowledged as a Brahmarishi......That was Brahmavidya......That is the same as Srividya???....If only I had known that both are the same, I would have never pursued Srividya.....Why??....Because that storybook was so fascinating and it made me wonder "How much of effort Vishwamitra had to put in....How much of penance he had to do..."

Very clever of you O Lalithamba..

Another thing that I observed during the online Srividya classes, was Guruji's behaviour towards us....He was so free, so casual and in one of the classes he actually apologized to someone when the student mentioned something about getting the (mis)information on the Devipuram website....That had such an impact on me....I thought "Guruji apologized.....Why?...Because that student said that something might have been misrepresented on the Devipuram website....If my Guru can be so humble, then why do I have a BIG FAT EGO??....If my Guru can apologize to people, why can't I??.....As is the Guru, so is the disciple."

Thereafter, my husband was a little surprised with my 'you do what you want' attitude...I had to learn to let-go of the little things in life, to let go of always wanting things to happen my way.....

My Husband: Are you ok??...Do you need to see a doctor or something?

Me: I'm just fine...And by the way, that 'list' that you were keeping track of, to see how many things have happened according to the way you wanted it, you may have to update that list !!!

  

Maybe Sri Bhaskararaya Makhi had indeed sat on my shoulders, but anytime, spiritually speaking, I was to think of doing any pujas or homas, I was reminded of my 'ashuddha bhakti'

Me: But I do say "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu" isn't it?...So it all goes to YOU anyway....

SHE: When you don't have anything specific to ask of ME, why do you want to invoke ME in fire/homa to tell ME to do MY job? Am I not doing what I want anyway ?

!!!!   

Me: But Lalithamba, it's 'my' part of the merit that I'm giving away.....My husband & son are still benefitted right?? It's upto YOU to make them also giveup their share of the merit...How many people think about the "cosmic account"?....Isn't everyone worried about their own "individual account" of merit & demerit?..... And if YOU didn't want me to consider those pujas or homas, why did YOU give me the thought?...Either way it's ALL YOUR doing.

Silence.

Sometime in September 2011, we again visited the St. Louis Hindu Temple and this time, I gave the priest there, a drawing of Srichakra that I had recently drawn....He was overjoyed to receive it, especially with Navarathri just a few weeks away...Also, we signedup for the Dattatreya abisekham to be done during the following weekday and I silently thanked HIM for all HIS blessings......Last December, when we had performed the Dattatreya abisekham, I really didn’t know very much about HIM........Now, HE was sitting right beside my Siddha Guru Swaprakasananda's photo...

It was also sometime during this month that I happened to buy the book Vasistha's Yoga and I had just started reading it.....It was all beginning to sound similar - BRAHMAN, AWARENESS, CONSCIOUSNESS......Different names, same thing.

I had thought "All that I know is the theory part - Aham Brahmasmi, Tat Tvamasi, I am THAT, I am not the body etc......What use is this theory when I haven't yet practically experienced any of it....If in academics, the score is 80% theory and 20% practicals, then in spirituality, it's almost the opposite, with 20% being theory and 80% practical experience.....Of that 20% theory, I know perhaps less than 0.1% "

SHE: {in Tamil} Therinjadhu kai alavu, theriyaadhadhu kadal alavu {English meaning - What you know you can fit into the palms of your hand, what you don't know is as vast as the ocean..}

Me: My favorite Tamil proverb....Isn't that something that I've always wondered about?....Lalithamba, what am I going to do with the 20% theory part when I am repeatedly, consistently failing the practical exam part?......Forget about the 20% theory part, no matter how much I know,

       

       What I know = fits in the palm of my hand and

       What I don't know = as vast as the ocean.

In that case, what's the use of the theory part??.......Unless one becomes the ocean itself.....Give me the 80% practical experience part...That's good enough for me...

Silence.

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

My conversations with HER - Part 11

My conversations with HER - Part 11  – Written on 16th November 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

At the end of the very first online class, as I was reviewing what Guruji had told us:

SHE: Remember those questions??

Flashback on - Those questions:

Being born in a South-Indian, Palghat Brahmin family, caste was something that was NEVER mentioned at home....My parents are not "caste-minded".....Until I learnt it from school & storybooks, I didn't even know that there were 4 classifications of castes....Even during the initial discussions at home about my "love-marriage", caste was something that was never brought up {Nobody mentioned it to me and if someone did it behind my back, I wasn't made aware of it}.....When my marriage finally happened, the initial few weeks/months/year, most of my husband's aunts & cousins commented to him "O you got married to a Brahmin girl, you are fortunate indeed"...... And my mother-in-law would say " "X" person said that we are blessed to have you as our daughter-in-law"......The first few times, I just smiled & let things be.......But the "N th" time my mother-in-law mentioned it, something inside me "snapped" and I asked her "Atthaiya if your son is blessed/fortunate to get married to a Brahmin girl, then does it mean that I have sinned & because of that, even though I am born in a Brahmin family, I got married into a non-Brahmin family?"......Her answer??.....She said "I say these things to you to make you feel happy & to let you know that we are fortunate to have you as our daughter-in-law.....Not to make you think about wheather you have sinned or not..".........But the "damage" was already done......The question had been planted......I don't mean to say that I regret getting married into this family...NO...NOT AT ALL.....All I'm saying is that since I'm also on the spiritual path, it made me wonder "What could be the spiritual reason behind this??......Yes, mine was a "love-marriage", that's a materialistic reason......Could there be a spiritual reason too?? Could there be a "karmic reason" too??........The question had been planted.......And I noticed that everything in my in-laws tradition was almost opposite to that of my parent's tradition......In my parent's tradition, the wife stood to the RIGHT of the husband in all spiritually related functions { it was to the LEFT in my in-law's tradition}, Astrologically speaking, my parent's followed the SUN {it was the MOON in my in-law's tradition}, my father wore WHITE vesti (dhoti) during vedic ceremonies {my father-in-law wore RED coloured dhoti}......I had thought "It's like I moved from the RIGHT to the LEFT side"........Few years later, one day while looking at a picture of Arthanareeswara, I was to think "I moved from Shiva's RIGHT HAND SIDE into Parvathy's LEFT HAND SIDE..."......And it was the "Left-hand path or the Kaula maarga" of Srividya that Guruji mentioned he will teach during the online class.....Everything pointed "LEFT".....Towards HER.....


At the end of the first online Srividya class I thought "This is the reason why.......Yes, mine is a love-marriage and I was/am in-love with my husband, but spiritually speaking I was/am in-love with HER......This is my path, that I had to take, to find my GURUJI.."......

  

 After my marriage, there have been times when I've wondered if, spiritually speaking, I could have been "so free" if I was still in a "Brahmin household"......The "Do's and Don'ts" would have taken up a lot of my energy.....Even if my parents were to agree with me, I would have had to fight-my-way into everything else due to "social pressure"....I DON'T MEAN TO SAY that Brahmins are always strict or wrong......All I'm saying is that SOME of the Brahmin people that I've come across, SOME of my family members have opposed my beliefs in women wearing rudhrakshas, in wearing rudhrakshas while going-to-work etc.....To whom do I ask my doubts about rudhrakshas??.... Who can, atleast partially answer, these bothering questions?? :

1. Why shouldn't one always wear rudhrakshas?
2. When the 'jivaatma' which is a part of the 'paramaatma' does not forsake the body when someone goes to toilet saying "The body is doing an impure act now...I will not be present during such an act", then why is it wrong to wear rudhrakshas when using the toilet?
3. Did Lord Shiva not give half of HIS body to Parvathy Devi ??....Does it not mean that HE is ok with women wearing it??
4. If all women have their monthly periods, then what does Lord Shiva do when Parvathy Devi has HER periods??....Does HE say, "Give ME back MY left-half of MY body & YOU will get it back after 3 days??.......Do conditions apply to HER??"
5. Didn't I read in Amar Chitra Katha - Andhaka that Andhaka, the blind son of Shiva was born when Parvathy playfully closed HIS eyes??.....If a few seconds in Shivaloka was equivalent to a few million years on the Earth plane, then what will happen to Earth if Shiva & Parvathy "take-a-break" for 3 days because of HER periods??....Can Earth, can humans survive the darkness??....And if not, if these rules don't apply to HER, then why should it apply to human-women??

My standard answer when I ask these questions, to whoever I ask these questions:

1. Silence
2. The Gods are not prone to the rules of humans

Neither of those answers were "good enough" for me....And I thought:

1. Either I ask too many questions and people don't want to answer me.
2. I ask the right questions and people are thinking about it.
3. People don't know the answer and they are thinking about it.

It took me a while, after I started wearing the rudhrakshas, for me to realize that most of the people who initially appeared "orthodox" to me, were in-fact "fearful" of the things that I had asked about.....SOME of them infact wanted to themselves do the things that I had wanted to do, but were fearful of "earning God's wrath" and the "social pressures" made it impossible for them......Orthodox had a new meaning for me - FEAR.

I have thanked GOD, a number of times, that I live far away from India, in USA, at a place which has few-to-no Indian community around......My husband had said "As long as it doesn't cause our family any problems, spiritually speaking, you do want you want....And all that I'm asking is, let me too do what I want {i.e not force him to wear his rudhrakshas}....."

Whenever we took the few weeks of trips to India, spiritually speaking, all my sadhanas were "on-hold"......Yes, due to travel & time-change I wasn't able to regularly do it, but what was really irritating was people poking their heads in other people's life....People saying " O you wear rudhrakshas.....Don't you know that you will earn HIS wrath if you wear it while wearing your footwear".....There was just one person who was getting wrathful - ME.....It was so hard for me to keep silent, to not tell them to 'mind their own business', to just smile and let it go.....Didn't I read somewhere that someone had once questioned Ramana Maharishi as to why HE doesn't wear footwear while doing the Arunachala girivalam....HE had said "I'm already wearing one leather around me {i.e HIS physical body}, why do I need another?".......An excellent point.....I just tweaked it a little bit.....I'm already wearing one leather around me {i.e my physical body}, what does another matter {i.e footwear} ??....Who do I ask if I've understood it right???

There was just ONE person who PERFECTLY answered my questions, who infact, asked me back similar questions to the ones that were bothering me, when I asked {during the online classes} if the mantras can be chanted at all times......My Guruji.....THE ONE who is ONE with THE ONE.

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

My conversations with HER - Part 10

My conversations with HER - Part 10 - Written on 14th November 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

(cont)....."Blessed" July 2011:

I was to later learn that the reason SHE wanted me to stay back at home was because all SHE wanted, was for me to "mentally renounce my attachments" to my family.....I would later think "That thing that Bhagavat Gita talks about - One who see action in inaction and inaction in action, That's what YOU were trying to teach me, wasn't it Lalithamba?"

Since it was now proved that I did indeed have a big ego, I did go & apologize to my husband.....I did tell him "You said I could do whatever I wanted with my salary"......And he said "Why do you not remember the other part of that sentence?? .....If you were brave enough to do as you please, you must have been ready to walk out as well......What's stopping you from doing that??".......The best answer to that question, at that time???...SILENCE.

The repercussions were not as severe as I had imagined or feared it to be......I thought "Maybe SHE has indeed taken responsibility for my actions"


The other thing that I had done was to sign my husband and I for the Morning Fire labs {Homas} at the San Diego Pillai retreat center for the whole month of July......This was a morning homam that I had been calling-in to listen to, since Christmas 2010.....That 40 minutes in the morning was the best part of the day......It's really amazing that foreigners/Americans could be so devoted to Vedic practices...


Also while randomly browsing about Srividya, I had found the Sri Rajarajeswari Peetham website at Rush, New York....While looking at the Guru Lineage I noticed that it had Guruji's name and I thought "Guruji seems to be following me these days.....Or am I following him??...Didn't the Meppad temple guru lineage also mention Guruji's name?? "

At the Sri Rajarajeswari temple in New York, there was to be a Chandi homam in July and my family participated in that as well.....While again re-reading this website:

An inner voice: Do you not recognize this temple??

 

 

Me: Could this be the same temple?? In July 2007, didn't we stop at this temple on our way back from Niagara Falls?? It was almost noon and the temple was empty....We prayed for a few minutes and I really liked HER idol at this temple....While reading the notice-board at the temple, I had read that the main priest of the temple was from Srilanka and I had thought "Oh...I  thought this was an Indian temple.....What a coincidence that they have the same forms of Gods in Srilanka too"

I didn't know anything better about the background of the temple.


Guru Poornima - July 2011:

This was the first Guru Poornima that I remember.....Last year, this was just-another-day & I didn't know the significance of this day....However this year, I wanted to thank Sage Veda Vyasa but didn't know how.....So, I did the only thing that I could think of.....That day, while performing the 'Karunya tharpanam', at the end of it, I also offered Karunya tharpanam to Sage Veda Vyasa and any gurus that I may have had in the previous lifetimes.....I had said " I don't know how else to thank you Sage Veda Vyasa & any gurus that I may have had in the past."......I had told Sage Vyasa "You had mentioned in the Krishna Bhagavatham that every person born is automatically indebted to 3 people - pitrus, rishis and gods.....I'm repaying my debts to the pitrus but don't know how to repay my debts to the other 2 categories of people.......You know, in this 21st century, whenever you go to a bank & take a home loan, they give you a "repayment plan".....It's not fair that you just say that one is indebted to these people without giving a "repayment option" to fully repay the debt { The Krishna Bhagavatham book I had read mentioned that you repay pitrus by begetting a son, repay rishis by reading the scriptures and repay gods by performing homas.......Atleast that's what I remembered}........So, until I learn how to properly do the 'guru tharpanam' and 'deva tharpanam', I offer Karunya tharpanam to you today.......Please forgive my ignorance for not knowing how to thank you properly and please accept this karunya tharpanam......And by the way, could you please soon send me my Guru ??"

That whole day, I was paranoid if something "bad" would happen.....Why??....You see, I had just changed a whole category of tharpanam......I had offered Veda Vyasa tharpanam in the 'karunya tharpanam' category.....Whenever the fear came that I have made a mistake, I said "I didn't do anything.....Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu"

Also, on this day, was when Arjunaacharya mentioned that the pooja will be started at the Meppad temple in Kerala....

I had thought "Where are you my Guru??.....How much longer should I wait??..." I had read that the bond between a Guru & disciple is age-old and continues lifetime after lifetime.....I had thought "Are you thinking of me, my Guru??...Are you as eager to meet me, as I am to meet you??"

Arjunaacharya's Om Shivoham ring-tone and it's TSUNAMI effect:

How could a person do so much by doing so little??.....Answer: By having the perfect cell phone  ring tone !!!

When I had first telephoned Arjunaacharya, I was startled by his cell phone ring tone.....It was the first time I listened to the Om Shivoham song from the Tamil movie "Naan Kadavul"....There was something magical about the song....A few weeks later, when I called him back, I was actually praying that he not answer his phone.....Why???....I wanted to listen to his ring-tone and needed a reason to call him back again....I don't know if Arjunaacharya remembers it, but I called him twice on that day....And this time, I noted down the words of the song....Why??...So that I could 'google' it....

The first link that I found was some Vijav TV show and as soon as the singer Vijay Prakash started singing, all that I could think of was the singer in King Akbar's court --Tansen.....I remembered reading somewhere that Tansen could make the leaves of a tree fall down by just singing in the appropriate raga.....Vijay Prakash's voice was a voice fit to sing for Lord Shiva.....More googling followed, which finally lead me to the Om Shivoham song .....Maybe it was because of the headphones or maybe it was something else, but that song went right into my soul --- and shook it up......Now, how can something as simple as a song have that kind of an effect on you??....I must have spent a few hours listening to that song...

I was also reminded of aacharya's note on Facebook that spoke about an upasaka's comment after listening to a music performance that "listening to a mature music performance was equal to performing a Srichakra puja"......Since I knew neither {music nor Srividya} I had mentioned that the next time I listen to 'a music' that moves me, maybe I would think "That's what that upasaka meant".....So I emailed the song to aacharya and to make a long story short, I learnt 3 things from that email chain

1. Aacharya was a 5th generation direct disciple of Sri Bhaskararaya Makhi.....Who was this Sri Bhaskararaya Makhi?? I had no idea.
2. I still had an ego
3. I found my "Viswakarma"......One of my 3 conditions on my "giving-something-back-to-the-society" project

First, I had to see what the movie "Naan Kadavul" was all about...And I did....And what an excellent movie it is!!!.....There were 2 Sanskrit dialogues in the movie that plunged right into my soul......I had no clue what they meant....I found it on youtube and wondered if aacharya could help me understand what the dialogues meant....So, I sent him the link to those scenes....And there was no response and I couldn't find the meaning online too.....I had asked HER "Did YOU ask aacharya not to respond???....YOU must have, if he isn't answering......Why did YOU do that??....He is the only guy who I know, who knows Sanskrit and YOU asked him not to respond...Well, GOD helps those who help themselves right??....If noone is going to help me, I'll help myself....I give myself some credit, I must have known Sanskrit in atleast one of my many previous lifetimes......And I know that because these dialogues have such an impact on me".....And I watched those scenes, again and again and again......I wrote down word by word the initial Sanskrit verses:

"Janma karma ca me divyam, evam yo vetti tattvatah, tyaktva deham punar janma

Satya Prabavam, Divya Prakasham, Mantra Swaroopam, Nishkalamkoham, Nijapoorna bodham, Gatya Gadmaham, Nitya Brahmoham, Satya Pramanam, Moola Prameyam, Ayam Brahmasmi, Aham Brahmsami "

The first line I found in Bhagavat Gita, Chapter 4 - text 9....The rest of it, all I understood at first was "...........All that is BRAHMAN, I am BRAHMAN"....And I had thought "I know that.....I know all that is BRAHMAN & I am BRAHMAN, but what I don't know is WHAT is BRAHMAN??".....How is it that IT is present in all??...How can one be present in opposites like fire & water, earth & sky, air and rain??...And why are the Gods helpless without BRAHMAN....The first time I read about BRAHMAN was perhaps when I was still in school, maybe when I was around 10 years old.....My father had brought us the Amar chitra katha -Tales from upanishads storybook and my first thought was "How can Amar chitra katha make such a spelling mistake...Shouldn't it be "brahmin" instead of "BRAHMAN"??......Well, the stories in the book had nothing to do with "brahmin" and the 1st seed of curiosity was then planted.....What is this BRAHMAN???

The movie Naan Kadavul also spoke about how one doesn't take rebirth if a "particular group of aghori" bless your burning corpse....It did feel scary and made me think "Why am I watching these kind of movies??" .....And then I thought "If I'm searching for the Higher Truth and if BRAHMAN is that highest truth, then I must be comfortable enough atleast watching these scenes.....These aghoris too are forms of BRAHMAN....Their path too is, one way to reach the Higher Truth, even though it may not be my path..."

July 2006 Kadambari magazine:

The main thing that initially attracted me to Srividya was the mention that inorder for a person to be initiated into tantra, it must be his/her last incarnation on earth or if a person gets initiated, it becomes his/her last birth...And while researching about Srividya, I had found the 2006 July Kadambari magazine on scribd and while reading it, on page 45 of the magazine, I quote:

"Anakapalle Gurugaru, Guruji’s Guru – an avadhoota, an adept in 42 of 64 tantras – said of Guruji in one of his speeches that for his tapas on brahma jnana, he should have been in samadhi forever – but because of Devi’s will, He came to build this temple at Devipuram"

It was an excellent article, only that on reading the above line, the 'castle-of-hopes-on-moksha' that I had built up, CAME CRASHING DOWN.....I said to myself "If someone like Guru Amritananda, irrespective of his tapas, had to come to earth because of HER WILL, then what about an ignorant person like me??.....So, isn't 'moksha' permanent?....Is 'moksha' also temporary??"......It was a very disturbing thought and very very deep....For a while, I lost all interest in spirituality...What was I pursuing??? For what??? When it is all HER will, what does it matter if I'm enlightened or an ignorant fool??.....And then the thoughts-in-my-head go:

• Do you still want SriVidya?
• If I say no, it means that I wanted SriVidya only because of 'moksha' and now that I know that there are no 'guarantees', I'm backing out, which means that I'm selfish....and which means that no matter how 'pure' it sounds, 'moksha' was still like a business-agreement with HER....Like me saying 'conditions apply' to HER, to get HER vidya........
• If I say yes, it means that I go through all those 'protocols' and 'work' and in the end, I may still have to come back to earth if it's HER will.....
• Can't I have them both??? SriVidya & moksha??
• Well, if Guru Amritananda irrespective of his tapas, had to come to earth because of HER will, what chance do I stand??

And so, continued the back and forth thoughts and I couldn't, with 100% conviction say that I wanted SriVidya....It was like I was in 'Trishanku swarga'...Neither here nor there....I couldn't say with 100% conviction that I wanted it nor that I didn't want it....

An answer through Sri Bhaskararaya Makhi:

 

I didn't know who this was and so googled info about the Guru of aacharya.......It took me to this website and one thing that really awed me was the mention that Lalithamba was seated on Sri Bhaskararaya makhi's shoulders & hence it was impossible to defeat him in spiritual debates........I had wondered  "How did you get HER to do that??.....SHE doesn't seem to hear my prayers, how did you get HER to sit on your shoulders??"......I had told Sri Bhaskararaya Makhi, "You know if God doesn't hear someone's prayers, I've read that the next best thing to do is approach God's devotees because God can never refuse the request of a sincere devotee.....You had somehow got HER to sit on your shoulder....SHE doesn't seem to hear my prayers, so if you don't mind, can you please sit on my shoulder??......You know if A = B and B = C, then A = C right??......If you sit on my shoulder, then it means that indirectly SHE is sitting on my shoulder.....Won't you please do that??"

While reading further on the same website on reading the the 2nd lakShaNas listed, it answered the deep question that had been bothering me for so long....I quote from the above site

"Prema which involves a desire of any kind cannot be bhakti. Many worship the Lord for various desires and some for mokSha or salvation. shAstra rejects both these attitudes as ashuddha bhakti. A true bhakta showers prema on the Lord without any desire, be it bhukti or mukti...Till the ghost of desire for bhukti and mukti lingers in one's heart, how can true premarUpI bhakti arise?.. Moreover, mokSha kAmi is the greatest of kAmi-s."

It was then that I realized that my bhakti, no matter how 'pure' it sounded to me, was still an ashuddha bhakti.

I thought I would email Arjunaacharya & change my sankalpa for the upcoming Varahi Kola Mukhi puja and Mahalakshmi puja but then I thought it would be easier if I told HER directly...So, I said " Please just cancel all that I had written in my sankalpa.... I don’t want anything from YOU - neither a desire for a daughter nor a desire for ‘moksha’....Now, what do you want me to do??   If Srividya is YOUR vidya and YOU choose who gets it, what role do I have to play??” ....And that day on 2nd August 2011, before I left work, I casually visited the Devipuram website and under “Latest from the Guru” section, it said  “Sri Vidya online course – Basic Level”……….And I cried..

4th August 2011 was when I received an email from Guruji with guidelines on how to signup for the class....I was overjoyed to finally find HIM.....Find my GURU...Then something caught my attention in Guruji's email...He had mentioned that he will be teaching about the Kaula maarga of Srividya.....I had thought " Is that what I think it is??.....The websites that I had read, did it not mention that the Kaula maarga or the left hand path of Srividya also uses the 5 M's....There was just one M that I was terrified about --- Maithuna....I had wondered "What is this 5 M thing??...I thought all that was needed was to chant a few prayers, show a few mudras and then BOOM you are enlightened.." {Sorry Guruji, but it was all HER doing...All HER thinking }...And then the thoughts in my head go:

I've already lost one chance at Srividya when due to ignorance, I didn't recognize the offer of Srividya initiation from the Meppad Temple...Should I miss this chance too??...They say opportunity knocks once but I'm blessed to have come in contact with Guruji..

So, I told HER " I don't want to again let my fears and ignorance get the better of me....I don't know anything about YOUR vidya....So, if that 5th M is maithuna indeed, then YOU need to find me a loophole....Didn't I read on that website that Adi Shankaracharya had used his yogic powers to enter into the body of that king to answer the questions raised by Ubhayabharati ??.....Do something like that to me too....Maybe I will be in a coma for a month or something...I don't know...Just find me a loophole....YOU are the expert in finding loopholes isn't it??.....How many stories have I read that talks about people asking Gods for boons, only for YOU to find a loophole in them --- Mahabali,  Hiranyakashipu, Markendeya, Savitri { and Satyavaan}, Shishupala etc....Do something, anything and find me a loophole..It's YOUR problem how YOU do it..."

{As I type this now I wonder, when I had told HER that I won’t ask HER for anything, why did I ask HER to find me a loophole?.....Simple answer – At that time, this question didn’t come.}

Guruji, I remember very well, the very first online class and your first words to us....You had said "Hi friends"....I was on "cloud 9" the whole day...I had thought "Guruji said I was his friend......His friend" and I thought " You know what Guruji, you are not just my friend, you are my BEST FRIEND....People who say kundalini cannot rise in a single day have not met you Guruji"......Those 2 words were enough to take the kundalini right upto a few inches above the Sahasrara chakra and all my fears about "a strict Guru" were vaporized, and why not Guruji, when you are my BEST FRIEND??

All your talks, your words, your simple nature, your 'innocent' attitude was enough to make me realize that you are a Brahmarishi....Only someone who is ONE with IT can be so humble, so free, so friendly with everyone.....Guruji, it has taken me several years to find You, but every single micro-second of it was worth the wait, was worth it for me to meet You and have You in my life......I have thanked Siddha Guru Swaprakasananda a number of times......Why??......For giving you the PERFECT name --Amritananada.....Amrita = nectar; Ananda = bliss......Not just any bliss, but the bliss of the nectar of immortality......My savior, my best friend, my Guru Sri Amritananda

Can I be blessed with a seva like this?

At your feet Guruji.

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu.