My conversations with HER - Part 11

My conversations with HER - Part 11  – Written on 16th November 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

At the end of the very first online class, as I was reviewing what Guruji had told us:

SHE: Remember those questions??

Flashback on - Those questions:

Being born in a South-Indian, Palghat Brahmin family, caste was something that was NEVER mentioned at home....My parents are not "caste-minded".....Until I learnt it from school & storybooks, I didn't even know that there were 4 classifications of castes....Even during the initial discussions at home about my "love-marriage", caste was something that was never brought up {Nobody mentioned it to me and if someone did it behind my back, I wasn't made aware of it}.....When my marriage finally happened, the initial few weeks/months/year, most of my husband's aunts & cousins commented to him "O you got married to a Brahmin girl, you are fortunate indeed"...... And my mother-in-law would say " "X" person said that we are blessed to have you as our daughter-in-law"......The first few times, I just smiled & let things be.......But the "N th" time my mother-in-law mentioned it, something inside me "snapped" and I asked her "Atthaiya if your son is blessed/fortunate to get married to a Brahmin girl, then does it mean that I have sinned & because of that, even though I am born in a Brahmin family, I got married into a non-Brahmin family?"......Her answer??.....She said "I say these things to you to make you feel happy & to let you know that we are fortunate to have you as our daughter-in-law.....Not to make you think about wheather you have sinned or not..".........But the "damage" was already done......The question had been planted......I don't mean to say that I regret getting married into this family...NO...NOT AT ALL.....All I'm saying is that since I'm also on the spiritual path, it made me wonder "What could be the spiritual reason behind this??......Yes, mine was a "love-marriage", that's a materialistic reason......Could there be a spiritual reason too?? Could there be a "karmic reason" too??........The question had been planted.......And I noticed that everything in my in-laws tradition was almost opposite to that of my parent's tradition......In my parent's tradition, the wife stood to the RIGHT of the husband in all spiritually related functions { it was to the LEFT in my in-law's tradition}, Astrologically speaking, my parent's followed the SUN {it was the MOON in my in-law's tradition}, my father wore WHITE vesti (dhoti) during vedic ceremonies {my father-in-law wore RED coloured dhoti}......I had thought "It's like I moved from the RIGHT to the LEFT side"........Few years later, one day while looking at a picture of Arthanareeswara, I was to think "I moved from Shiva's RIGHT HAND SIDE into Parvathy's LEFT HAND SIDE..."......And it was the "Left-hand path or the Kaula maarga" of Srividya that Guruji mentioned he will teach during the online class.....Everything pointed "LEFT".....Towards HER.....


At the end of the first online Srividya class I thought "This is the reason why.......Yes, mine is a love-marriage and I was/am in-love with my husband, but spiritually speaking I was/am in-love with HER......This is my path, that I had to take, to find my GURUJI.."......

  

 After my marriage, there have been times when I've wondered if, spiritually speaking, I could have been "so free" if I was still in a "Brahmin household"......The "Do's and Don'ts" would have taken up a lot of my energy.....Even if my parents were to agree with me, I would have had to fight-my-way into everything else due to "social pressure"....I DON'T MEAN TO SAY that Brahmins are always strict or wrong......All I'm saying is that SOME of the Brahmin people that I've come across, SOME of my family members have opposed my beliefs in women wearing rudhrakshas, in wearing rudhrakshas while going-to-work etc.....To whom do I ask my doubts about rudhrakshas??.... Who can, atleast partially answer, these bothering questions?? :

1. Why shouldn't one always wear rudhrakshas?
2. When the 'jivaatma' which is a part of the 'paramaatma' does not forsake the body when someone goes to toilet saying "The body is doing an impure act now...I will not be present during such an act", then why is it wrong to wear rudhrakshas when using the toilet?
3. Did Lord Shiva not give half of HIS body to Parvathy Devi ??....Does it not mean that HE is ok with women wearing it??
4. If all women have their monthly periods, then what does Lord Shiva do when Parvathy Devi has HER periods??....Does HE say, "Give ME back MY left-half of MY body & YOU will get it back after 3 days??.......Do conditions apply to HER??"
5. Didn't I read in Amar Chitra Katha - Andhaka that Andhaka, the blind son of Shiva was born when Parvathy playfully closed HIS eyes??.....If a few seconds in Shivaloka was equivalent to a few million years on the Earth plane, then what will happen to Earth if Shiva & Parvathy "take-a-break" for 3 days because of HER periods??....Can Earth, can humans survive the darkness??....And if not, if these rules don't apply to HER, then why should it apply to human-women??

My standard answer when I ask these questions, to whoever I ask these questions:

1. Silence
2. The Gods are not prone to the rules of humans

Neither of those answers were "good enough" for me....And I thought:

1. Either I ask too many questions and people don't want to answer me.
2. I ask the right questions and people are thinking about it.
3. People don't know the answer and they are thinking about it.

It took me a while, after I started wearing the rudhrakshas, for me to realize that most of the people who initially appeared "orthodox" to me, were in-fact "fearful" of the things that I had asked about.....SOME of them infact wanted to themselves do the things that I had wanted to do, but were fearful of "earning God's wrath" and the "social pressures" made it impossible for them......Orthodox had a new meaning for me - FEAR.

I have thanked GOD, a number of times, that I live far away from India, in USA, at a place which has few-to-no Indian community around......My husband had said "As long as it doesn't cause our family any problems, spiritually speaking, you do want you want....And all that I'm asking is, let me too do what I want {i.e not force him to wear his rudhrakshas}....."

Whenever we took the few weeks of trips to India, spiritually speaking, all my sadhanas were "on-hold"......Yes, due to travel & time-change I wasn't able to regularly do it, but what was really irritating was people poking their heads in other people's life....People saying " O you wear rudhrakshas.....Don't you know that you will earn HIS wrath if you wear it while wearing your footwear".....There was just one person who was getting wrathful - ME.....It was so hard for me to keep silent, to not tell them to 'mind their own business', to just smile and let it go.....Didn't I read somewhere that someone had once questioned Ramana Maharishi as to why HE doesn't wear footwear while doing the Arunachala girivalam....HE had said "I'm already wearing one leather around me {i.e HIS physical body}, why do I need another?".......An excellent point.....I just tweaked it a little bit.....I'm already wearing one leather around me {i.e my physical body}, what does another matter {i.e footwear} ??....Who do I ask if I've understood it right???

There was just ONE person who PERFECTLY answered my questions, who infact, asked me back similar questions to the ones that were bothering me, when I asked {during the online classes} if the mantras can be chanted at all times......My Guruji.....THE ONE who is ONE with THE ONE.

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

My conversations with HER - Part 1

My conversations with HER – Written on 5th October 2011

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

The instinct to pen down my journey has been there for a while and though I didn't act on it too much, lately it has been overwhelming....These 'conversations' are thoughts within my mind and I''m able to recognize HER talking to me because as soon as that thought comes, there is a sense of calm, relief, like an answer has been found....Two or three days ago, as I was preparing the evening dinner,my thoughts were oscillating between Lalitha Devi & Adi Shankaracharya....

Me: O Lalithamba, isn't it because YOU were with Sankaracharya that he was able to answer & defeat all those people in spiritual debates. Isn't it because YOU verily sat on Sri Bhaskararachrya's shoulder, that he is recognised even today as a great Srividya Upasaka....Isn't it because of YOUR grace that an uneducated what-seemed-like-a-foolish person like Kalidasa became Maha kavi Kaalidasa.....Why do YOU not do the same to me too? Why are YOU not with me? YOU are being partial...It's not fair...

Pat came HER response: Adi Shankaracharya never questioned MY WILL....He never hesitated when I asked him to do something...How many times have I instinctly told you to write down your experiences..Have you done it yet?

What do I do, when SHE so clearly has me cornered...I had no answer except being silent {for a while at least}.

Me: Lalithamba, I'm scared...I don't have the spiritual knowledge to backup my writings. What do I do if people question me? I don't know Sanskrit & can't even seem to correctly remember where I read what...

SHE: Didn't you just say that Kalidasa was a foolish person before MY grace?

Me: Silence

I still scared amma....

SHE: What's the point of you listening non-stop to Bhavani Ashtakam if you haven't yet learnt to surrender?

Me: Will YOU be with me always like the way YOU were with Adi Shankaracharya?

Silence

Me: You just told me the answer, didn't YOU?....That Adi Shankaracharya never questioned YOUR WILL....Ok...I'll do as YOU say, but before I do that, can I test YOU? I agree that this is me still questioning YOU, but I want to be sure that it's really YOU & not just my thoughts wandering.....Remember last month, I read on that blog about Bala {Bala Tripura Sundari}.....That lady had written that Bala came in her dream & she had tried to lift HER but it was impossible because SHE was so heavy!!.... Well, if Bala - the daughter is heavy, how come YOU O Lalithamba were able to sit on Bhaskararachrya's shoulder? I'm unable to understand this.

SHE: The answer lies in Khadgamala Stotram....Remember the different Siddhis? Anima siddhi, Lagima Siddhi, Garima Siddhi etc.....Bala, in that lady's dream was exhibiting Garima Siddhi - Siddhi of being heavy and ME while sitting on Bhaskararachrya's shoulder was exhibiting Lagima Siddhi - Siddhi of being lighter than air

Me:

   

Ofcourse, such a simple answer...One more question....I had read that once you have a Guru, before one embarks on something new, one has to consult with his/her Guru...Doesn't that mean that I need my Guruji's permission & blessing before I start writing down my experiences? Can I start writing after I meet him in India in the next few weeks?

SHE: What did Guruji tell you during your online classes? What did he tell you during the very 1st class??

Me: That he was always with us and there has never been a moment when he wasn't....He had also asked us not to compare with others...He had said "You dont have to worry why I asked person 'X" to do "A,B,C" and "Y" to do "D,E,F"...What's right for "X" need not be so for "Y"

SHE: Ditto

Me: {Still not entirely convinced that I should start writing before I personally checked with Guruji}

SHE: What did you think when Guruji said "That he was always with us and there has never been a moment when he wasn't"?

Me: I had thought, "The only person who has always been with me, lifetime-after-lifetime is my atma- a form of BRAHMAN....If Guruji says he's always been with me, it means that he's refering to my atman = BRAHMAN"

SHE: What was his response when someone questioned him about praying to Guru Padukaas on top of one's head?

Me: Guruji had said " Whose's head?...Your head??...His head??...Her head?....My head??" and also something about not to take it to literally mean on top of one's head..I can't recall his exact words.

SHE: What did Guruji say about what his thoughts were, when Siddha Guru Swaprakashananda gave him all the mantras?? And what was Siddha Guru's answer to Guruji's question?

Me: That his first question to his Siddha Guru was "How will it work when you are in Anakapallae and I'm going to be in Bombay? To which Siddha Guru Swaprakashananda asked him "Don't you think the mantras have the power to guide you?" 

Silence

Me:

    

"Don't you think the mantras have the power to guide you?" Are YOU guiding me like the way YOU guided Guruji??

Silence

Me: So, If Guruji = BRAHMAN who has always been with me; if YOU in the form of the mantras are guiding me, then it is ok for me to start writing?... Now, what was Guruji's answer to the "Guru Padukaas on top of one's head" question?....Didn't he say something about how the Guru is always with us, within us, guiding us?

Ok...I'm going to start writing and tomorrow being Vijayadasami, makes it all the more special.

Guruji, I send this email to you on Vijayadasami, as a token of gratitude for your teachings....All this is, because of YOUR grace & guidance...

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu