Lessons-my-3-year-old son taught me

It's amazing how one learns when one is receptive enough or open enough to let Divine Grace flow into one's life...Here are some of such lessons that my 3 year old son taught me.

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

My conversations with HER - Part 21

My conversations with HER - Part 21 - Written on 1st December 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

Deepavali 2011:

That afternoon, I telephoned Arjunaacharya and while talking to him, I thanked him again for performing the Varahi Kola mukhi puja for my family..I was a little hesitant to mention about the revelations, as I still couldn't 100% believe what SHE told me, let alone know from where to start my-Ramayana-like-proportion-story???...Arjunaacharya, there was one thing that you said, that I clearly remember - As I was telling you about the 5 mukhi rudhraksha that Pranav was given, you said you were looking at the rudhraksha tree outside your house..After our conversations

Me: Lalithamba, does Arjunaarcharya know who I am, who YOU are telling me that I am?

SHE: He will know it, by the time you reach this point of your writings. Remember those things that you wrote but didn't email him?

Flashback on - "Those things that I wrote but didn't email him":

It was an email that I had sent to both aacharya & Arjunaacharya, introducing them to one another...Two people, who independently held the 'passwords' to my continued spiritual journey.....At the end of the email, I had typed "Arjunaacharya, both you and I are now a part of the same Guru lineage....We both have the same Guru - Guru Amritananda of Devipuram, AP....That makes us sahodara or siblings".....I felt silly writing it and I thought "I'm just an LKG-student in the school-of-Srividya and Arjunaacharya is like a PhD holder and a Guru himself...How silly it sounds for me to tell this to him".....So I deleted that paragraph.

SHE: Remember those thoughts that you've had as a child?

Flashback on - "Those thoughts I've had as a child":

As a child, I've always felt that I'm missing an elder brother...I'm not sure if my father remembers this conversation, but I do....One day I had asked my father "Why don't I have an elder brother?"....And my father told me "Me being the eldest child myself, I can understand your question...But be happy with what you've got and make sure that you take good care of your younger brother so that he doesn't miss his elder sibling"....That only partly answered my question....Years later, when my son Pranav was born I had thought "My daughter will have what I don't...She will have an elder brother."

SHE: Your Arjunaacharya is the one whom you've been missing.

That evening, my father and I were visiting the Bali Amman temple at Villivakkam, Chennai.....This is a temple that I've grownup with....Almost all major occasions - Pongal, Deepavali, Tamil New Year's day etc, as my parents & I visited our grandparent's house, we would stop-by this temple....My father and late-grandfather knew the priest at this temple and my family would sometimes sit inside the inner sanctum, as abisekham was done to HER....That evening, as my father & I stood before HER

SHE: Ask the priest the name of the Goddess

Me: But Lalithamba, I know HER name....It's Bali Amman...Why do YOU want me to ask something that I already know?

But the intuition was persistent....So,

Me: Fine, I'll ask if YOU want me to ask.

And I asked the priest

Me: What's the name of the Goddess?

The priest at the temple: SHE is called as Bali Amman and (as the priest continued talking)

Me: See Lalithamba, I told YOU.....It is Bali Amman

The priest at the temple: (As the priest finishes his talk) ....SHE is represented as a young girl.

   

Me, asking the priest: SHE is represented as a young girl?......Is this Bala Tripura Sundari??

The priest at the temple: No No....SHE is called Bali Amman....Balika, in sanskrit means a young girl and SHE is this village deity and Amman here is represented as a young girl.

Me, asking the priest: Is SHE 9 years old?

The priest at the temple: Yes...A young girl of 9 years.

  

Me: Bala Tripura Sundari - my Divya Guru.....I grew up before HER....

Me: Didn't I read somewhere -- Only someone who is chosen by DEVI gets Sri Vidya. It is said you do not choose Sri Vidya, but Sri Vidya chooses you. When you get it, when you look back, you will see how you have been guided slowly and surely to your Guru.

Silence

A few days later, my husband was back from AP & said "Since we have some extra time, let's also visit Tirupati"......So, we did.....And just like Guruji asked me to, I kept chanting the Maha Sodasi Mantra, all the time...

While standing in queue at Tirupati, my thoughts were:

Me: {Thinking} Didn't I read a story somewhere that inorder to marry Padmavathi Devi, Tirupati Balaji had taken a huge loan from Kubera and He was still repaying the interest on the loan??

  

Narayana, Why did YOU have to take such a huge loan?? Why couldn't YOU learn to "live within YOUR means"??.....What kind of  a wrong example are YOU giving people, if YOU YOURSELF couldn't conduct YOUR marriage "within YOUR means"??

So, I said "Whatever is the merit of chanting this Maha Sodasi mantra, I give it all back to YOU O BRAHMAN in the form of Tirupati Balaji......Narayana, I hope this helps YOU to repay YOUR debts soon...Who knows maybe like the Sree Padmanabha Swamy  Temple of Thiruvananthapuram, Kerala, this temple too may hold some hidden treasures and it might help YOU repay YOUR loan"

Narayana must have heard me....Why??.....Because we stood in queue for 7.5 hours --- the longest ever in the history-of-our-visit-to-Tirupati.

Me: Narayana, just because I asked YOU to repay YOUR debt, are YOU going to make me stand in queue this long?? Do YOU really have THAT BIG of a loan that I have to chant the Maha Sodasi Mantra all this while??

And I continued chanting the Maha Sodasi Mantra and every few minutes would say "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu"

And by the way, it started raining, when after 7.5 hours, we finally had HIS dharsan and came out.....I was too tired to really notice it then.

  

As I type this:

BRAHMAN, I have done what YOU asked me to do....I have written down my experiences and all that remains to be written is the journey from "(n-1)" to "n" ---- journey from me being "Lalithamba" to "YOU".....Before I do that, YOU have to keep up YOUR end-of-the-bargain...Let me give YOU a few reasons why

• Who is asking whom to do what? -- YOU can take it as 1) It's all YOUR doing or 2) Nothing is being done.
• When I am YOU, isn't merely "the thought" enough, for things to happen?
• If I am HER, then it is all HER doing, isn't it?
• When Adi Shankaracharya composed the Kanakadhara Stotram and was able to convince Sri Lakshmi to shower HER blessings on that poor woman, who had, but given Him "one small gooseberry"
• If I am Shankara or Siva indeed

Then how can YOU not do what I asked YOU to do.

What I asked YOU to do:

If I am Shankara or Siva indeed, then

• Let all the obstacles that my Guruji encountered-in-the-past-present-and-future be shattered and may His glory spread worldwide.
• As proof of my identity, let it rain down "One mukhi Nepal-variety-type-round rudhraksha beads, the size-of-which-I-saw-at-my-neighbour's-house" from that rudhraksha tree that Arjunaacharya said he was looking-at when he spoke to me on the day of Deepavali.
• If it is true that a one mukhi rudhraksha is "Sakshat Siva Swarupa" then how can it not be abundantly present on Earth, when I am here?
• If there-is-such-a-thing that I was angry with my then-past-Namboodiri-Brahmin-family over the funeral rites-of-my-then-mother Aryamba, then I forgive them all and here are the reasons why

Advaitic answer- Who is forgiving whom, over what?

Dualistic answer - The credit for this goes to Arjunaacharya of Meppad Temple,  Kerala..Why? Because he has helped me a lot in this lifetime. 

O dear BRAHMAN, won't YOU do that please?

And please ask Arjunaacharya to send me photographs of those round one-mukhi rudhrakshas.

BRAHMAN: I just did.

  

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

My conversations with HER - Part 20

My conversations with HER - Part 20 – Written on 29th November 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

My dear Guruji,

During the first week of this month, after I returned to USA, the laptop at home "crashed" and while re-formatting it, my husband said that lots of "files" were lost...I hurried to check if all of my files were still there and when I saw my folder titled "Srividya online class" I was relieved....This past weekend, "something" told me to check it again & when I did, only the folder was present....I lost all the mp3 files, all of my "notes" that I had written down {I only have the sheets that I had printed and the video-recording of the online Srividya class}....As I was about to re-download the files from Devipuram website:

You, in the form of my inner Guru said "You don't need them anymore."

(cont) Happenings in October 2011:

It took me a few hours to write the previous "My conversations with HER - Part 19" article and all of that had happened within a minute or two on that day - 24th October 2011.....It was around noon that day and my son was banging on the bedroom door....I was still "hazy" from the recent "revelations" but I had other things to do and didn't think too much about the "revelations".

{As I type this: Why didn't I think too much about it??...Because when I had rejected Lalithamba Herself and only want to practically-experience BRAHMAN, what is "Adi Shankaracharya" if not an equally false, temporary and misleading identity}

I told my father that I want to visit the Maangadu Kamakshi Amman and Kanchipuram Kamakshi Amman temples the next day & asked him to make the necessary arrangements..My husband had to go back to AndhraPradesh that evening, to re-visit the "X family member" and he wasn't able to come to these temples.

As I realized the gift that my Guruji has given me, I also realized that I had forgotten to tell Him about the "Guru Dakshina" that I thought of giving Him..So,

Me: Lalithamba, it might take me a while to email Guruji & let Him know, but meanwhile I'm telling YOU this - I give my-share-of-the-right-as-Pranav's mother to YOU...From now on, YOU are responsible for his welfare.

I won't lie, I did feel sad for-a-moment that I had just lost my son, as if I had given him up for adoption....And I thought "What Divine Parents have adopted my son, if not Siva & Parvathy Themselves.....Pranav is much better-off being Their son" and I didn't think about it thereafter. 

That afternoon as I was lying down, my mother was trying to put Pranav to sleep and I told her "Don't talk to him....Just let him fall asleep by himself".....But like any-other-grandmother, she was telling him some stories and Pranav had a hundred questions to ask her....

Me: {Thinking} I told amma not to talk to Pranav...Let her sit & answer all the questions that Pranav has to ask.

And then as-simple-as-that

SHE: Just like how you are observing the conversation between your mother and Pranav, BRAHMAN is observing the conversation that the both of us have.

   

Me: So, that's what those articles meant...Didn't I read somewhere, on some article that Parvathy Devi asks Siva to explain "something" to HER about HER Vidya....I had often wondered "Why does SHE do that?? Doesn't SHE know HER own Vidya??....Why doesn't Siva say "Why are YOU asking me this?".....Why did HE have to explain it to HER?.........It is all symbolic isn't it Lalithamba?

Silence

Me:  So, is it all representative of

        Parvathy Devi = The "doubtful-thoughts" that asks the questions and

        Siva  = The inner Guru = the "crystal-clear answers"

Silence

And I fell asleep.

The next day, we left early to go visit Maangadu amman temple.....I thanked Kamakshi amman profusely for HER blessings, chanted the Maha Sodasi mantra while doing the "Adi Pradakshinam" {Walking technique wherein you take short steps, with the heel of one foot being placed where the tips of the toes of the other foot ends} and had a perfect dharshan of HER....Before leaving the temple, I had said "Whatever is the merit of chanting this Maha Sodasi mantra, I give it all back to YOU, dear BRAHMAN in the form of Maangadu Kamakshi amman....As we left the temple, it started drizzling and "something" told me that it was Goddess Kamakshi blessing me.

The rain soon became a terrible downpour and I hoped that we would reach Kanchipuram without any delay and we did.....It wasn't raining at Kanchipuram and "something" told me that it will rain, as soon as I "give-away" the merit of chanting the Maha Sodasi mantra {at the temple}......And as I stood before HER, I said "So, this is how YOU look Lalithamba"....I didn't remember visiting this temple during my childhood and was happy to finally meet HER....The only mantra that I chanted all the time was the Maha Sodasi mantra and as I did pradakshina around HER, I came to the "Adi Shankaracharya's idol"....I walked upto Him, chanted the mantra & told Him " SHE says that I am You.....I don't remember anything at all....If indeed that is true, You have to help me Shankara"....As I left the inner sanctum, I said "Whatever is the merit of chanting this Maha Sodasi mantra, I give it all back to YOU, dear BRAHMAN in the form of Kanchipuram Kamakshi amman."...There was a bookstore inside the temple premises and I wanted to buy a portrait of Bala {Bala Tripura Sundari} and Lalithamba, as I didn't have their pictures at home...As I walked upto the bookstore, there SHE sat, my Divya Guru - Bala Tripura Sundari and right beside HER was a 3-in-1 picture of Madurai Meenakshi, Kanchipuram Kamakshi and Kasi Visalakshi and since I had visited all these temples too, I bought that 3-in-1 picture as well....The shopkeeper seemed to have a divine intuition and used to randomly tell things to people, which was confirmed as true, by his customers....He told me 2 things, which were both true...And as Pranav walked upto me, he gave Pranav a locket and blessed him....It was a locket with an engraving of Srichakra on one side and HER idol on the other...As I started the pradakshina of the outer sanctum, it started drizzling, which slowly built-up to a heavy downpour as we left Kanchipuram.

  

SHE: Now you know what Adi Shankaracharya did when he visited all those places.

Me: {Thinking} Shankara, did you re-charge the energies of those places? Did You give away the merit of chanting whatever mantras You chanted??...I don't remember reading about it...This is why You should have written down your experiences Shankara, and not leave it upto people to guess what You did...See what SHE is telling me?

SHE: Now do you know why I asked you to write down your experiences?

Silence.

  

That evening, Pranav & I visited the neighbour's house...I sat talking about rudhrakshas and other spiritual topics and my neighbour showed me a rudhraksha that he had - a one mukhi round, nepal-variety rudhraksha, the size of a big yellow lemon....I had never seen one before and I thought "What a coincidence I got to meet HER and also HIS one mukhi rudhraksha - the Saksat Siva swarupa rudraksha, all on the same day"......As we left their house, he also gave Pranav a 5 mukhi rudhraksha bead {represents Lord Shiva}...It wasn't until later that evening that it struck me,

Me: Pranav got both HER Srichakra locket and HIS rudhraksha bead all on the same day...Siva and Parvathy have indeed adopted him as Their son.

{Pranav also wears rudhrakshas, since I started wearing them last year....Why at this young age??....Because "his body" may be 2 years old when he started wearing it but isn't "his soul" eternal??....I had thought "It took me 32 years to wear one...What a blessed child is he, to wear it, when he is just 2 years old !!}

It was around dinner time & my mother asked me to feed dinner to Pranav...And I thought

Me: Lalithamba, where are YOU?... It's YOUR responsibility to feed him dinner....I have handed over the responsibility to YOU.

SHE: When you read about the Maha Sodasi mantra, what did you understand of it?

Me: Well, theoretically speaking, it means that I am YOU.

SHE: Well then, theoretically speaking, who do you think is going to feed dinner to Pranav ??

 

Me: Very clever of YOU Lalithamba...So, YOU are not going to magically appear & feed him dinner??

Silence

Me: Oh right, I forgot.....That thing that Bhagavat Gita talks about ----- One who see action in inaction and inaction in action, That's what YOU were trying to teach me, wasn't it Lalithamba?"

Silence

Little did I realize that there were more things that I had to learn, for which "this Lalitha" had to turn into "Badrakali Herself" for the next few days...Three incidents happened which led to that, which led to what is quoted as:

"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." by William Congreve in The Mourning Bride of 1697.

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

My conversations with HER - Part 16

My conversations with HER - Part 16 – Written on 23rd November 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmmarpanamastu

October 2011 - A life changing month:

We were on our way to India for 3 weeks....There were lots of occasions in the family - my mother's 60th birthday celebrations, my brother-in-law's upanayanam {sacred thread ceremony} and wedding, our apartment grihapravesam, celebrate Deepavali in India after almost 6 years etc.......But there was just 1 event that I was greatly looking forward to ----- to finally meet my Guruji......As I finished doing the Ganapathy tharpanam on that Saturday, as we were leaving USA, I said an extra prayer to Ganapathy - please remove all the obstacles that prevent me from personally meeting my Guruji.....

I think it was during the Brussels-Chennai flight, that I thought I would mentally do the MahaGanapathy tharpanam, because 'technically' speaking, it was Sunday morning in USA...I realized that I had forgotten to write down the Guru mantram and I didn't know it by-heart....So, I thought of Guruji and said whatever I remembered of the Guru mantram "Something, something...........Sri Annapoornamba sahita, Sri Amritananda natha sriguru sripadukam pujayami tharpayami namaha" and I mentally chanted the MahaGanapathy tharpanam {which I had written down} and offered the merits of doing the tharpanam to MahaGanapathy present in my Mooladhara chakra and then ended it with "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu"......The flight cabin-lights were off and almost everyone of the passengers were sleeping and as I sat watching-my-thoughts, my thoughts were:

Me: The 3 states - waking, dreaming and 'whatever' is the 3rd state....Why don't I remember the name of the 3rd state?

SHE: What does it matter when you are in the 4th state?

And then something happened.....It was not a question, or a doubt but a sentence

  

Me: Om Sivoham – Siva aham – I am Siva

The thought caught me off-guard

Me: But Lalithamba, how can that be? I don't have the complete Siddha mala ....I'm missing 3 rudhraksha beads out of the 16 beads in Siddha mala.... So does it not mean that I am 13/16 = 81.25% Siva ??

SHE: Is there such a thing as 81.25% Siva, 10% Siva or 99% Siva??....Either you are Siva or you are not....

Me: So, there is no black, white and grey area?? Is it just black & white?? Either I am Siva or not??

SHE: In the hightest form of duality, it is either a yes or a no....If you consider as per Advaita, all is ONE.....And the further you go away from THAT ONE, you have not only black, white & grey but a million different shades of the rainbow.

Me:  {Sat thinking over what SHE just said}

SHE: Go on & accept it.

Me: Accept what??

SHE: That thought that just came to you.

Me:  {Thinking: Ofcourse SHE knows what thought came to me}..My thought was --- Didn't I read in Devi Bhagavatham that one who wears a 14 mukhi rudhraksha - also called Deva Mani, in the end attains the Highest goal, the state of Siva and his/her body becomes verily the body of Siva

Me:  Okay, I accept it....I am Siva

SHE: Very clever, go on and also accept that other thought that came to you, while you were thinking of Siva.

Me:  {Thinking: Ofcourse SHE knows ALL my thoughts....How can I hide the thought from HER? }..My thought was ---- While looking for the meaning of the "Om Shivoham" song, didn't I read on that website that " Shankara =sam+kara. Sam = good. Kara= the doer. Sankara - The doer of good "......I am Shankara

SHE: Go on & accept it.

Me:  Silence

SHE: You have felt it, haven't you?

Me: YOU mean, YOU have given me the feeling.....But I know what YOU mean....Yes, I have felt it.

SHE: Go on & accept it

Me: {Still hesitating}

SHE: Don't you remember that incident?

Flashback on - that incident:

I think it was sometime in the year 2006 or 2007....I used to often chant the Bhaja Govindam...One day, I don't remember exactly but maybe I was moody or may have had an argument with my husband, but as I sat reading my Bhaja Govindam book, when I read the paragraphs

nárèstanabharanábhèdeùam
døúûvá má gá moháveùam,
etan-mámsavasádi-vikáram
manasi vicintaya váram váram.(3)

Seeing the seductive female form, do not fall prey to frenzied delusion. That (female form) is (but) a modification of flesh and fat. Think well thus in your mind and again and again.

ká te kánte kaste putraç
samsáro'yam atèva vicitraç,
kasya tvam kaç kuta áyátas-
tattvam cintaya tadihaq, bhrátah.(8)

Who is your wife? Who is your son? Exceedingly wonderful, indeed, is this empirical process! Of whom are you? Who are you? Whence have you come? O brother, think of that truth here.

ká te kántá-dhana-gata-cintá
vátula kim tava násti nivantá
trijagati sajjana sañgatir eká
bhavati bhavárïava-taraïe nauká.(13)

Why worry about wife, wealth, etc., O crazy one; is there not for you the one who ordains? In the three worlds, it is only the association with good people that can serve as the boat that can carry one across the sea of birth.

I was angry with Adi Shankaracharya....I said " O Shankara, what do YOU know what it takes to be a woman?...How could YOU describe a woman like this - as a 'thing' that traps men into delusion?....YOU are but a sanyasi... YOU have no idea what it takes to be a woman, what it takes to put up with all the nonsense that men think they know....How could YOU make such a big mistake? When the whole of vedic world shows YOU as an example of the 'perfect being', how could YOU leave out women?......YOU maybe Siva HIMSELF, but what is wrong, is wrong......YOUR work is incomplete because YOU have left out women...Don't YOU know that story about Siva?

That story about Siva:

This is a story that I grew-up listening....My mother would often tell us this story....One day Parvathy Devi, inorder to test Siva, hides an ant in a box to see if HE really provides food for ALL in the world...SHE asks HIM if HE had provided food to ALL & HE says yes....When Parvathy Devi opened the box, SHE is surprised to see that the ant had a grain of rice too...."Siva provides for us all" said my mother.

Shankara, how could YOU leave me out?? How were YOU not able to see me?? How come YOU didn't warn me?? Mine is a love-marriage, right?? So, that means that I was 'deluded' to think that I will have 'the perfect happiness' through this-form-called-my-husband......Shankara, I'm sorry to be the one to point this out to YOU, but the male form can be equally seductive and lead to delusion as well......So, there is a glitch in YOUR work, there is an error in YOUR work.....YOUR work is incomplete and YOU will have to come back to Earth to correct it......And by the way, if YOU do decide to come back to Earth, come back as a woman.....Then perhaps, YOU will know what it takes to be a woman.....And if YOU decide to come back, YOU might also want to come back as a person who doesn't know Sanskrit, because YOU see in this 21st century, if YOU go around preaching in Sanskrit, noone including me, will understand YOU.

A few days later, I felt bad for scolding Adi Shankaracharya and asking HIM to come back to Earth...I thought "Poor guy, HE has attained Moksha and I asked HIM to come back to Earth".....So I had apologized to HIM...I had said " I apologize for saying all those things to YOU.....But Shankara, YOUR work is incomplete and I will not apologize for saying that....If YOU have written something that says that both forms - man and woman are a delusion, then I have not yet come across that article and when I do, I will then apologize to YOU but until then, I won't.

SHE: Why do you think those thoughts came to you?..Of all the people in this world, why were you the only one who thought Adi Shankaracharya's work was incomplete?

Me: Silence

SHE: What were your thoughts when you heard the Bhavani Ashtakam?

Me:The very first paragraph of the Bhavani Ashtakam , when I read the meaning

Na Taato Na Maataa Na Bandhur-Na Daataa
Na Putro Na Putrii Na Bhrtyo Na Bhartaa |
Na Jaayaa Na Vidyaa Na Vrttir-Mama-Iva
Gatis-Tvam Gatis-Tvam Tvam-Ekaa Bhavaani ||1||

Meaning:
1.1: Neither the Father, nor the Mother; Neither the Relation and Friend, nor the Donor,
1.2: Neither the Son, nor the Daughter; Neither the Servant, nor the Husband,
1.3: Neither the Wife, nor the (worldly) Knowledge; Neither my Profession,
1.4: You are my Refuge, You Alone are my Refuge, Oh Mother Bhavani.

I then apologized to Adi Shankaracharya....Why? Because HE had included both, HE said that neither the husband nor the wife is the refuge. Only HER - Bhavani

SHE: Why do you think HE wrote that song?

Me: How do I know?

SHE: HE wrote it because HE had realized HIS mistake.

Me: Great! ....YOU expect me to believe that Shankaracharya realized that HE had made a mistake & hence that song....

Silence

{As I sat thinking over the recent thoughts}

SHE: Go on & accept that thought.

Me: I was thinking, "Didn't I read somewhere that Shankaracharya had died a few days before his 32nd birthday?....Wasn't it a few days before my 32nd birthday that I started wearing rudhrakshas.....And that too started with a 11 mukhi rudhraksha...Didn’t I read in Devi Bhagavatam that the fruit obtained through the performance of 1000 horse sacrifice [Asvamedha yagnas], 100 Vajapeya sacrifice and making gifts of 100,000 cows are obtained by wearing a 11 mukhi rudhraksha....Didn't the 2006 July Kadambari magazine also mention that  "The prescribed worship of the Sri Yantra, the Navavarana Puja, once performed, is equivalent to conducting 1,000 Asvamedha yajnas or horse sacrifices"

SHE: Go on & accept who you are.

Me: Fine Lalithamba, if YOU want me to accept it, I will, but only to YOU.....

SHE: Say it.

Me: I am Shankara, known to the world as Adi Shankaracharya........But Lalithamba I won't write about it...I just won't.....Not without further proof....These few thoughts are not 'good enough' for me to write & accept it.....See, I'm disobeying YOU..... Didn't YOU say that Adi Shankaracharya never disobeyed YOU.....This is my proof that I am not HIM.......

Silence

Me: No Lalithamba, I just won't write about it...Sorry.....Let me give YOU 2 reasons why

1. This doubt in me, this is YOUR doubt....Could this doubt have come if YOU didn't want it to come?
2. When YOU are not able to convince me, how do YOU expect to convince others that I am HIM? When YOU are not able to convince one single person - me, what kind of a GODDESS are YOU? Shouldn't I be 100% convinced that I am HIM?

Either way YOU look at it, YOU lose Lalithamba....YOU need to do better than that...I just won't write about it....Sorry.

Little did I realize what the MASTER PLANNER had in-store for me.

{As I type this:

SHE: Remember those questions?

Flashback on - those questions:

Why are the Upanishads not as interesting like those "New York's #1 best sellers" books??....Why didn't the Sages keep those books as intriguing as the modern science-friction books....If only they had, the Upanishads would be on the "New York's #1 best sellers" list...Weren't the Rishis and Sages aware of "sales & marketing" ?.....How to get & hold people's attention....

SHE: Stop writing now. }

   

  

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

My conversations with HER - Part 11

My conversations with HER - Part 11  – Written on 16th November 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

At the end of the very first online class, as I was reviewing what Guruji had told us:

SHE: Remember those questions??

Flashback on - Those questions:

Being born in a South-Indian, Palghat Brahmin family, caste was something that was NEVER mentioned at home....My parents are not "caste-minded".....Until I learnt it from school & storybooks, I didn't even know that there were 4 classifications of castes....Even during the initial discussions at home about my "love-marriage", caste was something that was never brought up {Nobody mentioned it to me and if someone did it behind my back, I wasn't made aware of it}.....When my marriage finally happened, the initial few weeks/months/year, most of my husband's aunts & cousins commented to him "O you got married to a Brahmin girl, you are fortunate indeed"...... And my mother-in-law would say " "X" person said that we are blessed to have you as our daughter-in-law"......The first few times, I just smiled & let things be.......But the "N th" time my mother-in-law mentioned it, something inside me "snapped" and I asked her "Atthaiya if your son is blessed/fortunate to get married to a Brahmin girl, then does it mean that I have sinned & because of that, even though I am born in a Brahmin family, I got married into a non-Brahmin family?"......Her answer??.....She said "I say these things to you to make you feel happy & to let you know that we are fortunate to have you as our daughter-in-law.....Not to make you think about wheather you have sinned or not..".........But the "damage" was already done......The question had been planted......I don't mean to say that I regret getting married into this family...NO...NOT AT ALL.....All I'm saying is that since I'm also on the spiritual path, it made me wonder "What could be the spiritual reason behind this??......Yes, mine was a "love-marriage", that's a materialistic reason......Could there be a spiritual reason too?? Could there be a "karmic reason" too??........The question had been planted.......And I noticed that everything in my in-laws tradition was almost opposite to that of my parent's tradition......In my parent's tradition, the wife stood to the RIGHT of the husband in all spiritually related functions { it was to the LEFT in my in-law's tradition}, Astrologically speaking, my parent's followed the SUN {it was the MOON in my in-law's tradition}, my father wore WHITE vesti (dhoti) during vedic ceremonies {my father-in-law wore RED coloured dhoti}......I had thought "It's like I moved from the RIGHT to the LEFT side"........Few years later, one day while looking at a picture of Arthanareeswara, I was to think "I moved from Shiva's RIGHT HAND SIDE into Parvathy's LEFT HAND SIDE..."......And it was the "Left-hand path or the Kaula maarga" of Srividya that Guruji mentioned he will teach during the online class.....Everything pointed "LEFT".....Towards HER.....


At the end of the first online Srividya class I thought "This is the reason why.......Yes, mine is a love-marriage and I was/am in-love with my husband, but spiritually speaking I was/am in-love with HER......This is my path, that I had to take, to find my GURUJI.."......

  

 After my marriage, there have been times when I've wondered if, spiritually speaking, I could have been "so free" if I was still in a "Brahmin household"......The "Do's and Don'ts" would have taken up a lot of my energy.....Even if my parents were to agree with me, I would have had to fight-my-way into everything else due to "social pressure"....I DON'T MEAN TO SAY that Brahmins are always strict or wrong......All I'm saying is that SOME of the Brahmin people that I've come across, SOME of my family members have opposed my beliefs in women wearing rudhrakshas, in wearing rudhrakshas while going-to-work etc.....To whom do I ask my doubts about rudhrakshas??.... Who can, atleast partially answer, these bothering questions?? :

1. Why shouldn't one always wear rudhrakshas?
2. When the 'jivaatma' which is a part of the 'paramaatma' does not forsake the body when someone goes to toilet saying "The body is doing an impure act now...I will not be present during such an act", then why is it wrong to wear rudhrakshas when using the toilet?
3. Did Lord Shiva not give half of HIS body to Parvathy Devi ??....Does it not mean that HE is ok with women wearing it??
4. If all women have their monthly periods, then what does Lord Shiva do when Parvathy Devi has HER periods??....Does HE say, "Give ME back MY left-half of MY body & YOU will get it back after 3 days??.......Do conditions apply to HER??"
5. Didn't I read in Amar Chitra Katha - Andhaka that Andhaka, the blind son of Shiva was born when Parvathy playfully closed HIS eyes??.....If a few seconds in Shivaloka was equivalent to a few million years on the Earth plane, then what will happen to Earth if Shiva & Parvathy "take-a-break" for 3 days because of HER periods??....Can Earth, can humans survive the darkness??....And if not, if these rules don't apply to HER, then why should it apply to human-women??

My standard answer when I ask these questions, to whoever I ask these questions:

1. Silence
2. The Gods are not prone to the rules of humans

Neither of those answers were "good enough" for me....And I thought:

1. Either I ask too many questions and people don't want to answer me.
2. I ask the right questions and people are thinking about it.
3. People don't know the answer and they are thinking about it.

It took me a while, after I started wearing the rudhrakshas, for me to realize that most of the people who initially appeared "orthodox" to me, were in-fact "fearful" of the things that I had asked about.....SOME of them infact wanted to themselves do the things that I had wanted to do, but were fearful of "earning God's wrath" and the "social pressures" made it impossible for them......Orthodox had a new meaning for me - FEAR.

I have thanked GOD, a number of times, that I live far away from India, in USA, at a place which has few-to-no Indian community around......My husband had said "As long as it doesn't cause our family any problems, spiritually speaking, you do want you want....And all that I'm asking is, let me too do what I want {i.e not force him to wear his rudhrakshas}....."

Whenever we took the few weeks of trips to India, spiritually speaking, all my sadhanas were "on-hold"......Yes, due to travel & time-change I wasn't able to regularly do it, but what was really irritating was people poking their heads in other people's life....People saying " O you wear rudhrakshas.....Don't you know that you will earn HIS wrath if you wear it while wearing your footwear".....There was just one person who was getting wrathful - ME.....It was so hard for me to keep silent, to not tell them to 'mind their own business', to just smile and let it go.....Didn't I read somewhere that someone had once questioned Ramana Maharishi as to why HE doesn't wear footwear while doing the Arunachala girivalam....HE had said "I'm already wearing one leather around me {i.e HIS physical body}, why do I need another?".......An excellent point.....I just tweaked it a little bit.....I'm already wearing one leather around me {i.e my physical body}, what does another matter {i.e footwear} ??....Who do I ask if I've understood it right???

There was just ONE person who PERFECTLY answered my questions, who infact, asked me back similar questions to the ones that were bothering me, when I asked {during the online classes} if the mantras can be chanted at all times......My Guruji.....THE ONE who is ONE with THE ONE.

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

My conversations with HER - Part 9

My conversations with HER - Part 9 - Written on 11th November 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

(cont) The happenings in June 2011:

By the end of this month, things were "unstable" within me.....Maybe because of all the happenings - me being unable to get the Devipuram Meru, me being a total fool and failing to recognize the form of Srividya initiation from the Meppad temple, made me very very upset....You see, at that point, spiritually speaking, I wasn't evolved enough to put the "blame" on HER or IT.......Why did I not email Arjunaacharya and re-ask him for initiation into Srividya??......I did think about it but then I thought "Maybe, he will be upset with me for refusing it in the first place.".......So, I just let-it-be and I wondered "Is this the closest I'll ever come to Srividya??"...

I was angry with HER for everything....I had thought

{As I hesitate to type my "then-thoughts":

SHE: Type them exactly as it came...

Me: But Lalithamba, I scolded YOU so badly.....

SHE: Could you have done it, if I didn't want you to??....Those thoughts have already come...You are now, only writing about it....Go on, type them all.... }


I had thought " Who are YOU Lalithamba and why did YOU have to go & sit right in the "Bindu of Srichakra" and make YOURSELF so inaccessible to people??......What gave YOU the right to play with my life??....Why did YOU come into my life if YOU didn't want me to find YOU??.....Are YOU testing me??.....Are you asking me to choose between YOU and my husband?? "

I was then reminded of a conversation between my mother-in-law and me in the year 2007.....My mother-in-law had said "It is us women who get caught up with samsara and think "This is my husband, this is my family"...For men, it is easier for them to forsake the family and go in search of truth".......I had then thought "Not me, I will not be one of those women who think that way....If I had to choose, I will give up my family to go in-search of the Higher Truth.."

It almost seemed as if SHE was testing me......Reminding me of that conversation and asking me to choose....


No amount of "discussions" at home seemed to help.....My husband had said "Why are you so stubborn??...Why can't you be flexible??....Until now it was rudhrakshas that had your attention and now this??.....Tomorrow you will find another thing....Why are you so selfish??".....Well, he was right....Until now it was rudhrakshas.....I so very badly wanted the Indrakshi mala.....Why??...Because I had so many 'unfulfilled desires' and didn't I read that an Indrakshi mala would make a person be "Ichadhari".......I couldn't very well explain it but I just 'felt-the-burning-desire' and it was after wearing those higher mukhi rudhraksha beads after Shivarathri 2011, that this 'burning-desire' subsided a lot.....After wearing these higher mukhi beads, I was able to say "It is now ok even if I don't get the Indrakshi mala.."


And now this "latest madness", mad after HER.....I had asked HER "Am I selfish Lalithamba??....Am I?.....If the very reason for me to be selfish is to know this "SELF", then doesn't this SELFish nature become DIVINE 'ish??.......Why are YOU not helping me??....How could YOU be so cruel and heartless??....Is it fair at all??.....Why did YOU come into my life??...Why give me all these desires if YOU don't want me to find YOU??  "

I then remembered aacharya's signature line on his gmail.....What was it that he had written??

"What you have is destiny and what you do with what you have is effort.....Future destiny is past destiny modified by your present action...You are not only the prisoner of your past but master of your future"

I copied it,  printed it & stuck it on my refrigerator at home so that I would always remember it.....I must have read it atleast a thousand times, especially the underlined words and thought "What am I going to do NOW that will change my future??? "....There was only one thing that came to mind......So, again started the "discussions" at home....

My husband: Again??..We are having the same talk again??...Ok, let me ask you this....Weren't you the one who said that there is no such thing as 'your' money and 'my' money as it's a single account?

Me: Yes

My husband: Irrespective of you saying that, didn't you say "I want "X" dollars a month 'pocket-money' to spend on your so-called "spiritual activities" online even though you know that I don't believe in "online prayers" ?

Me: Yes

My husband: Haven't you been doing your so-called pujas online in the different websites that you found??

Me: Yes {On Dr. Pillai's website and Astroved}

My husband: And when I bought "X" electronic item didn't you say that I was wasting money on un-necessary things?

Me: Yes

My husband:  And if I was wasting money on "an item" that you could see before your eyes, why is it wrong when I say the same thing back to you?

Me: Silence {I didn't know how to explain it then}

My husband: Didn't "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H" happen according to the way you wanted it?

Me: Yes

My husband: Name a few things that happened the way I wanted it, without you changing it one bit.

Me: {After thinking really hard} "X,Y & Z"

My husband: It took you a while to think about the things that have happened my way, and all you could come up was 3 items.....Didn't I give you a 'list' of things that have happened the way you wanted it?.....Are the scales even balanced??…Is this fair?.....

!!!!

 Me: {Thinking: Didn't I ask HER the same question....If it was fair of HER }.....Even though I agree that all that you have said is correct, I still want what I want.....

 A few more "discussions" later

My husband: Since there is no end to these "discussions", the only solution is, for you to do what you want with your salary and me to do what I want with mine....You do have a big ego and the sooner you realize it, the better it'll be for all of us....And if you do choose to do what you want with your salary, you will have to do it outside this house.

  

You see, at that time, I really couldn't explain it....I felt as if SHE was testing me to see how far I would go......I felt SHE was testing me to see who I would choose....That conversation between my mother-in-law and me was "being re-played" within my mind.....At that time, spiritually speaking, I was ready to do anything for 'moksha'....So, mentally I was ready to leave-the-house

So, I emailed Arjunaacharya all the necessary information and requested the "Varahi Kola mukhi puja, Sri Durga Nitya puja and Mahalakshmi Kamalatmika puja" and also sent him the payment.

I told HER "I've done my part....I have chosen YOU...Let me see what YOU do now....The ball is in your court Lalithamba....Are YOU going to make me face the consequences of my actions or are YOU going to assume responsibility for it??....All those websites and forums that said "Just tell HER that it is HER problem and see what will happen"......Well Lalithamba, it is YOUR problem now."

At home, my husband was surprised with what I had done...He said "Irrespective of you agreeing that it was not fair, if you still chose to do it, it could only mean that you are only concerned about yourself."........Well that was true, I was only concerned about mySELF...

Who do I ask to see if I had a big ego?? Surely I wouldn't know it...I had absolutely no patience to repeat this 'Ramayana-like-proportion' story to ask who was correct?....How do I know if it's the ego in me which is thinking that "I will do just fine if I leave the house" or "If I have to apologize to my husband & face the consequences".....There was only one place that I could think of......So Prasna services it was and I asked them and the response was that I don't leave the house.

It only made me angrier.....I told HER "Just who do YOU think YOU are??....Irrespective of me choosing YOU, why do YOU want me to stay back??....Why are YOU playing with my life??.."

'Something' told me that Sage Narada was witnessing these events and saying "Narayana, Narayana"......I said " YOU Narada, is it YOU who is doing this to me??....How many times have YOU interfered in other people's life to cause misunderstandings.....What makes YOU think that YOU could do as YOU please and pass the 'blame' to Narayana by chanting HIS name??....YOU know what??... If YOU can do as YOU please and say "Narayana, Narayana", then I too can scold you left- right-and-center and pass the 'blame' onto BRAHMAN by saying "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu"

Now, YOU Narayana, how could YOU, who so clearly saved YOUR devotee Prahalada, be so partial to his grandson MahaBali and push him into the underworld.....Was that fair??....Don't even answer that question......YOU have YOUR own so-called reason for everything.

And now YOU LALITHA, why did YOU have to go & sit in the bindu of a Srichakra and make it hard for people to find YOU...How much longer are YOU going to test me??...Aren't these emotions good enough for YOU?....Are these tears not real enough for YOU??....YOU and YOUR daughter BALA {Bala tripura Sundari}, what makes YOU think the two of YOU can do as YOU please and noone will question YOU?...YOU know what, if in YOUR world, if YOU O Lalithamba are 16 years old and YOU have a 9 year old daughter BALA, then in my world, on this earth plane, I am 33 years old and that means that I'm old enough to be YOUR mother Lalithamba.....So stop fooling around and behave YOURSELF....Be the daughter YOU expect of BALA....What does it take to get YOUR attention??....I have tried asking YOU nicely.....No, I have asked YOU nicely, but apparently that doesn't work....Let me see if I can make YOU angry enough for YOU to respond to me.....Didn't I read somewhere that "The Goddess loves fun"....YOU know what Lalithamba, it's not funny anymore....Not when YOU play with my life like this.....I don't like YOUR sense of humor....It is not funny anymore.....Go on, open YOUR eyes and look at me......LOOK-AT-ME

{As I hesitate to type further:

SHE: Type the exact words you used.

Me: YOU mean the exact words that YOU made me use

SHE: Is there a difference now, at this stage, when I = YOU }

 Go on, open YOUR eyes and look at me......LOOK-AT-ME DAMN IT

An inner voice, which at that time I thought was fear trying to creep back in:  Did you just scold HER?....Lalitha Tripura Sundari??...HER, whose ugra avatar (fierce form) even the Trimurties are afraid of??

Me: (Still angry)...Yes....Yes I did....So what if it is LALITHA HERSELF.....So what??.....I don't care anymore....What is SHE going to do?? Open HER 3rd eye and burn me to ashes??....Curse me to eternal damnation??......What is my present life if not eternally damned anyways??....Can life get anymore damned when SHE is not in my life.....When Sri Lakshmi who is a part of HER can bestow blessings on HER devotees by merely HER side-way glances, then what amount of blessings must pour in when LALITHA HERSELF looks at me, even though SHE may look at me and burn me up.....I don't care anymore Lalithamba.....I'm not afraid to die.

An inner voice, which at that time I thought was fear trying to creep back in: What about your husband and son?

Me: Why should I worry about it??....It's HER problem.....If SHE has decided to burn me up, SHE should be the one worrying about what will happen to my husband and son....I''ve already given-up my husband anyway.

Silence

Me: (Still angry): Go on, open YOUR eyes and LOOK-AT-ME.....YOU are the one who preached Advaita through Adi Shankaracharya isn't it?....YOU are the one who said it is all YOU.....And I'm the idiot who doesn't yet "get-it"........I'm the fool here who is yet to practically experience it....That means, according to YOU, YOU are only scolding YOURSELF.

The only way for me to explain what happened next is, imagine that you have a 100kg weight on your head and imagine that suddenly that weight has been lifted....Whatever is that feeling, was what I felt then

Me: So, if SHE said that it is all HER, if SHE said that SHE = Me and I just said that SHE was scolding HERSELF, then does it mean that I'm just scolding myself now ??...If A = B and B = C then A = C right???

The insight was so profound, deep and confusing that it shut me up, for a while atleast.....

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu.