My conversations with HER - Part 9

My conversations with HER - Part 9 - Written on 11th November 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

(cont) The happenings in June 2011:

By the end of this month, things were "unstable" within me.....Maybe because of all the happenings - me being unable to get the Devipuram Meru, me being a total fool and failing to recognize the form of Srividya initiation from the Meppad temple, made me very very upset....You see, at that point, spiritually speaking, I wasn't evolved enough to put the "blame" on HER or IT.......Why did I not email Arjunaacharya and re-ask him for initiation into Srividya??......I did think about it but then I thought "Maybe, he will be upset with me for refusing it in the first place.".......So, I just let-it-be and I wondered "Is this the closest I'll ever come to Srividya??"...

I was angry with HER for everything....I had thought

{As I hesitate to type my "then-thoughts":

SHE: Type them exactly as it came...

Me: But Lalithamba, I scolded YOU so badly.....

SHE: Could you have done it, if I didn't want you to??....Those thoughts have already come...You are now, only writing about it....Go on, type them all.... }


I had thought " Who are YOU Lalithamba and why did YOU have to go & sit right in the "Bindu of Srichakra" and make YOURSELF so inaccessible to people??......What gave YOU the right to play with my life??....Why did YOU come into my life if YOU didn't want me to find YOU??.....Are YOU testing me??.....Are you asking me to choose between YOU and my husband?? "

I was then reminded of a conversation between my mother-in-law and me in the year 2007.....My mother-in-law had said "It is us women who get caught up with samsara and think "This is my husband, this is my family"...For men, it is easier for them to forsake the family and go in search of truth".......I had then thought "Not me, I will not be one of those women who think that way....If I had to choose, I will give up my family to go in-search of the Higher Truth.."

It almost seemed as if SHE was testing me......Reminding me of that conversation and asking me to choose....


No amount of "discussions" at home seemed to help.....My husband had said "Why are you so stubborn??...Why can't you be flexible??....Until now it was rudhrakshas that had your attention and now this??.....Tomorrow you will find another thing....Why are you so selfish??".....Well, he was right....Until now it was rudhrakshas.....I so very badly wanted the Indrakshi mala.....Why??...Because I had so many 'unfulfilled desires' and didn't I read that an Indrakshi mala would make a person be "Ichadhari".......I couldn't very well explain it but I just 'felt-the-burning-desire' and it was after wearing those higher mukhi rudhraksha beads after Shivarathri 2011, that this 'burning-desire' subsided a lot.....After wearing these higher mukhi beads, I was able to say "It is now ok even if I don't get the Indrakshi mala.."


And now this "latest madness", mad after HER.....I had asked HER "Am I selfish Lalithamba??....Am I?.....If the very reason for me to be selfish is to know this "SELF", then doesn't this SELFish nature become DIVINE 'ish??.......Why are YOU not helping me??....How could YOU be so cruel and heartless??....Is it fair at all??.....Why did YOU come into my life??...Why give me all these desires if YOU don't want me to find YOU??  "

I then remembered aacharya's signature line on his gmail.....What was it that he had written??

"What you have is destiny and what you do with what you have is effort.....Future destiny is past destiny modified by your present action...You are not only the prisoner of your past but master of your future"

I copied it,  printed it & stuck it on my refrigerator at home so that I would always remember it.....I must have read it atleast a thousand times, especially the underlined words and thought "What am I going to do NOW that will change my future??? "....There was only one thing that came to mind......So, again started the "discussions" at home....

My husband: Again??..We are having the same talk again??...Ok, let me ask you this....Weren't you the one who said that there is no such thing as 'your' money and 'my' money as it's a single account?

Me: Yes

My husband: Irrespective of you saying that, didn't you say "I want "X" dollars a month 'pocket-money' to spend on your so-called "spiritual activities" online even though you know that I don't believe in "online prayers" ?

Me: Yes

My husband: Haven't you been doing your so-called pujas online in the different websites that you found??

Me: Yes {On Dr. Pillai's website and Astroved}

My husband: And when I bought "X" electronic item didn't you say that I was wasting money on un-necessary things?

Me: Yes

My husband:  And if I was wasting money on "an item" that you could see before your eyes, why is it wrong when I say the same thing back to you?

Me: Silence {I didn't know how to explain it then}

My husband: Didn't "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H" happen according to the way you wanted it?

Me: Yes

My husband: Name a few things that happened the way I wanted it, without you changing it one bit.

Me: {After thinking really hard} "X,Y & Z"

My husband: It took you a while to think about the things that have happened my way, and all you could come up was 3 items.....Didn't I give you a 'list' of things that have happened the way you wanted it?.....Are the scales even balanced??…Is this fair?.....

!!!!

 Me: {Thinking: Didn't I ask HER the same question....If it was fair of HER }.....Even though I agree that all that you have said is correct, I still want what I want.....

 A few more "discussions" later

My husband: Since there is no end to these "discussions", the only solution is, for you to do what you want with your salary and me to do what I want with mine....You do have a big ego and the sooner you realize it, the better it'll be for all of us....And if you do choose to do what you want with your salary, you will have to do it outside this house.

  

You see, at that time, I really couldn't explain it....I felt as if SHE was testing me to see how far I would go......I felt SHE was testing me to see who I would choose....That conversation between my mother-in-law and me was "being re-played" within my mind.....At that time, spiritually speaking, I was ready to do anything for 'moksha'....So, mentally I was ready to leave-the-house

So, I emailed Arjunaacharya all the necessary information and requested the "Varahi Kola mukhi puja, Sri Durga Nitya puja and Mahalakshmi Kamalatmika puja" and also sent him the payment.

I told HER "I've done my part....I have chosen YOU...Let me see what YOU do now....The ball is in your court Lalithamba....Are YOU going to make me face the consequences of my actions or are YOU going to assume responsibility for it??....All those websites and forums that said "Just tell HER that it is HER problem and see what will happen"......Well Lalithamba, it is YOUR problem now."

At home, my husband was surprised with what I had done...He said "Irrespective of you agreeing that it was not fair, if you still chose to do it, it could only mean that you are only concerned about yourself."........Well that was true, I was only concerned about mySELF...

Who do I ask to see if I had a big ego?? Surely I wouldn't know it...I had absolutely no patience to repeat this 'Ramayana-like-proportion' story to ask who was correct?....How do I know if it's the ego in me which is thinking that "I will do just fine if I leave the house" or "If I have to apologize to my husband & face the consequences".....There was only one place that I could think of......So Prasna services it was and I asked them and the response was that I don't leave the house.

It only made me angrier.....I told HER "Just who do YOU think YOU are??....Irrespective of me choosing YOU, why do YOU want me to stay back??....Why are YOU playing with my life??.."

'Something' told me that Sage Narada was witnessing these events and saying "Narayana, Narayana"......I said " YOU Narada, is it YOU who is doing this to me??....How many times have YOU interfered in other people's life to cause misunderstandings.....What makes YOU think that YOU could do as YOU please and pass the 'blame' to Narayana by chanting HIS name??....YOU know what??... If YOU can do as YOU please and say "Narayana, Narayana", then I too can scold you left- right-and-center and pass the 'blame' onto BRAHMAN by saying "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu"

Now, YOU Narayana, how could YOU, who so clearly saved YOUR devotee Prahalada, be so partial to his grandson MahaBali and push him into the underworld.....Was that fair??....Don't even answer that question......YOU have YOUR own so-called reason for everything.

And now YOU LALITHA, why did YOU have to go & sit in the bindu of a Srichakra and make it hard for people to find YOU...How much longer are YOU going to test me??...Aren't these emotions good enough for YOU?....Are these tears not real enough for YOU??....YOU and YOUR daughter BALA {Bala tripura Sundari}, what makes YOU think the two of YOU can do as YOU please and noone will question YOU?...YOU know what, if in YOUR world, if YOU O Lalithamba are 16 years old and YOU have a 9 year old daughter BALA, then in my world, on this earth plane, I am 33 years old and that means that I'm old enough to be YOUR mother Lalithamba.....So stop fooling around and behave YOURSELF....Be the daughter YOU expect of BALA....What does it take to get YOUR attention??....I have tried asking YOU nicely.....No, I have asked YOU nicely, but apparently that doesn't work....Let me see if I can make YOU angry enough for YOU to respond to me.....Didn't I read somewhere that "The Goddess loves fun"....YOU know what Lalithamba, it's not funny anymore....Not when YOU play with my life like this.....I don't like YOUR sense of humor....It is not funny anymore.....Go on, open YOUR eyes and look at me......LOOK-AT-ME

{As I hesitate to type further:

SHE: Type the exact words you used.

Me: YOU mean the exact words that YOU made me use

SHE: Is there a difference now, at this stage, when I = YOU }

 Go on, open YOUR eyes and look at me......LOOK-AT-ME DAMN IT

An inner voice, which at that time I thought was fear trying to creep back in:  Did you just scold HER?....Lalitha Tripura Sundari??...HER, whose ugra avatar (fierce form) even the Trimurties are afraid of??

Me: (Still angry)...Yes....Yes I did....So what if it is LALITHA HERSELF.....So what??.....I don't care anymore....What is SHE going to do?? Open HER 3rd eye and burn me to ashes??....Curse me to eternal damnation??......What is my present life if not eternally damned anyways??....Can life get anymore damned when SHE is not in my life.....When Sri Lakshmi who is a part of HER can bestow blessings on HER devotees by merely HER side-way glances, then what amount of blessings must pour in when LALITHA HERSELF looks at me, even though SHE may look at me and burn me up.....I don't care anymore Lalithamba.....I'm not afraid to die.

An inner voice, which at that time I thought was fear trying to creep back in: What about your husband and son?

Me: Why should I worry about it??....It's HER problem.....If SHE has decided to burn me up, SHE should be the one worrying about what will happen to my husband and son....I''ve already given-up my husband anyway.

Silence

Me: (Still angry): Go on, open YOUR eyes and LOOK-AT-ME.....YOU are the one who preached Advaita through Adi Shankaracharya isn't it?....YOU are the one who said it is all YOU.....And I'm the idiot who doesn't yet "get-it"........I'm the fool here who is yet to practically experience it....That means, according to YOU, YOU are only scolding YOURSELF.

The only way for me to explain what happened next is, imagine that you have a 100kg weight on your head and imagine that suddenly that weight has been lifted....Whatever is that feeling, was what I felt then

Me: So, if SHE said that it is all HER, if SHE said that SHE = Me and I just said that SHE was scolding HERSELF, then does it mean that I'm just scolding myself now ??...If A = B and B = C then A = C right???

The insight was so profound, deep and confusing that it shut me up, for a while atleast.....

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu.

My conversations with HER - Part 8

My conversations with HER - Part 8  – Written on 10th November 2011

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu,


Until I wrote the last email, I had forgotten that I had asked HER for 'selective amnesia' and before I could even ask HER about it.....

SHE: You were the one who asked for it.....I didn't do anything.

Me: Very clever of you O Lalithamba.....Could I have done it if YOU didn't want me to???.......Now I know why I put BRAHMAN "in-charge" of my life...

SHE: Could you have done that, if I didn't want you to??

Me: {Thinking} And men wonder what goes on in the minds of women??....Just non-stop nonsense.....

SHE: Did you just call our conversations "non-stop nonsense"??

Me: Very clever of YOU O Lalithamba.....I did no such thing...It was all YOUR doing....I'm just a silent witness to these happenings....

And before I could ask HER why I need to write down my experiences:

SHE: Remember those questions??

Flashback on - Those questions:
I had wondered how the lives of enlightened people would have been BEFORE they were enlightened.....I had wondered "Why doesn't anybody write about it???.....Most of the books that I've read are either written by other people or talks about how things were AFTER someone got enlightened....Why doesn't anyone give behind-the-scene-actions??.....And I had told GOD "YOU could learn a thing or two from the 21st century.....Don't YOU know that some movie directors also show behind-the-scene-actions of how the movie was made??.....The only book that I have read, that talks about such a thing is "Autobiography of an Yogi" and what an excellent book that was....."

Now, how was I to know that, I would be the 'guinea pig" for this behind-the-scene-action movie???......Very very clever of YOU O Lalithamba...

Guruji, It's kind-of-hard for me to re-think those ignorant thoughts when I now know the answers and I am now practically experiencing what you mentioned during one of the online classes...

Guruji: How could Kali and Sundari exist at the same time? Mind you, I said at the same time....

How could Light and Ignorance exist at the same time??....But I'm told that I must write down my experiences and for that reason, I go back to re-think those thoughts....

(cont) The Happenings until June 2011:

It was frustrating that I had come this close to a Meru and was not able to buy it....I had thought "Will I ever be able to keep a Srichakra at home??"...I didn't know whom to ask for confirmation and wondered "How nice it would be if I could ask my atma/soul for guidance and it would reply back....I have absolutely no patience to go & explain all these happenings to someone, before I could ask him/her for guidance".....As I sat thinking, I was suddenly reminded about Dr. Pillai's other website -- Astroved....I remembered reading that Astroved also offers Prasna services and I thought "Isn't that what they do in the temples at Kerala whenever they want to ask GOD for something regarding the temple services?"......Yes....I grew up hearing about it, so I thought I would check-out the "Prasna services" and I wrote to them and asked:

My question: I have a strong desire to get a spiritual item. Can I & will I get it?

Prasna answer: Yes. You will get that spiritual item. Pray to the Goddess Durga for blessings.


And I thought "How did they know that it was GODDESS related?? And why did they mention Durga's name??".....Anyway, I took it as confirmation that one day, I'll have it.....I thought "I should have also asked WHEN I'll get it but anyway, as long as I get it, it's good enough for me"

{As I type this :

SHE: Now do you realize why Durga's name was mentioned??

Me: Yes....It was to mean the "Sri Durga Shoolini puja" that was to be done at the Meppad temple on Gurupoornima day in July.....I had forgotten this prasna answer until after this puja was done and thought "Didn't the prasna answer ask me to pray to Durga??"}

  

I checked my laptop and it was on 25th March 2011 that I 'saved the link' to this website ----the very same website that I happened to re-read sometime during mid-june which led me to the Meppad Temple/Sampradaya and I thought I would check their website...

While reading the poojas offered at the Meppad temple, something caught my attention – “Sri Durga Nitya puja (for removing your accumulated Karma, which is causing misery )”….I thought “THAT is what I need.…A pooja to remove all the karma that is causing my misery”……This led me to email the temple aacharya {Arjunaacharya} & there was a prompt response also recommending ‘Kola Muki Varahi pooja’ to remove accumulated karmas and also methods to get an online or offline initiation into SriVidya……I had no clue what those things were…..So, in my ignorance, I sent an email to Arjunaacharya telling him that I was not sure if I wanted an online initiation and requested for the poojas alone, hoping that the poojas will help remove the karmas that were blocking true realization and sent him my family member's details….No sooner did I send the email, that it struck me, “Didn’t I read somewhere that ‘You don’t find Srividya, it finds you’...OH MY GOD……What have I done???....Did Srividya just find me and did I just refuse it??…..What a fool I’ve been!!

I can’t even begin to explain the guilt I felt….Did I just turn down HER vidya ?…..Did I just turn down a chance to know LALITHA DEVI?.....What did I just do?... Why did I do it??.....And I tried to mentally rewind the past happenings, to figure out why I behaved the way I did……And then I found my reason…..

We are building an apartment in India and for the last few weeks, there was a serious discussion at home between my husband & I about the griharpravesam function [house-warming ceremony]……According to my husband’s tradition [Telugu tradition], there were no dates available during the timeperiod when we would be in India, for my brother-in-law’s wedding. According to my parent’s tradition [Tamil tradition], when they checked with the astrologer, there was a date available during the timeframe that we would be in India…….And there was a serious discussion on what date to choose…My parents said that since I was now a part of the Telugu tradition, I should follow their custom and my husband was unable to change the travel dates to accommodate the griharpravesam function and was hesitant to consider the ‘Tamil version date’ because, well it was a date according to Tamil tradition……

I thought to myself, ”If afterall, for a simple function, there is such a confusion between Tamil vs Telugu tradition, I can’t even think how it will be if my Guru happens to not be a Telugu person”..…So, I told HER “Please let Guru Amritananda be my Guru…..Atleast he is Telugu and if there happens to be any questions, he can answer to my husband & in-laws…..And my parents won’t question me, because didn’t they say that I was now part of the Telugu tradition?”……{Sorry Guruji, see HER thoughts....see how SHE made me think....It was all HER doing..}

And sooooo deep was my fear, that unconscious to me, I refused the offer from the Meppad temple….Why???....Because it was not Guru Amritananda – a Telugu Guru……. I didn’t want to bring Kerala also into the picture, between the tug-of-war going on between AndraPradesh  vs Tamilnadu tradition…..

I told HER “Sorry LALITHA DEVI for turning down YOUR vidya….If everything happens according to YOUR WILL, then YOU understand my circumstances too…..Can’t YOU see my situation?? Can’t YOU see what will happen and all the probable questions that will be raised?? Atleast if it’s a Telugu Guru, some part of the questions can be avoided….My parents may take it as ‘It’s her decision she choose to marry into a Telugu household’….And my mother-in-law will atleast understand my desire for ‘moksha’ and she may support my spiritual path and if she has any questions, well Guru Amritananda can clear those doubts…Guruji can atleast say, ‘According to our Telugu sampradaya etc etc etc...’ and maybe my mother-in-law may understand..…I will have to ask Guruji when I go to India this October…I have to ask him if he can be my Guru even though I don’t yet see any ‘spiritual chemistry’ between us like how Paramahamsa Yogananda felt when he met his Guru Sri Yukteswar”…………..As foolish as it may sound, that was my reason….. So, I emailed back Arjunaacharya asking him to forgive my ignorance for turning down Srividya initiation..…

In his reply to me, Arjunaacharya was gracious enough to not mention anything about my ignorance about Srividya initiation and he also recommended the "Sharabeswar homa", "Mahalakshmi Kamalatmia puja" and a "Mahalakshmi yantra" for my husband....I thought " My husband wearing the Mahalakshmi yantra is ruled out as I can't even get him to wear his rudhrakshas, how is he going to wear this yantra??

Now, what were the other poojas that were recommended??….. "Mahalakshmi Kamalatmia pooja" sounded familiar as I knew who Mahalakshmi was....Kola mukhi Varahi puja…..What was that?? I  had no clue. So, I googled about it and landed on this website ….And while reading further on the same site, I quote

“THE INFLUENCE of the boar-headed Goddess Varahi on the minds of the people may be gauged from the presence of this deity as a part of the group of seven Mothers “ the Saptamatas”  in South India.

   

Seven mothers?? !!!.....Can the ‘seven mothers’ also represent the 7 mukhi rudhraksha bead that I’m wearing???

“She is also an amsa of Sri Meenakshi of Madurai”

   

Did I not visit Sri Meenakshi temple of Madurai during my childhood days??

Now, "Sharabeswar homa"....What was that??....I 'googled' it and landed on this website and I thought " Ah!..It's my Agastiar's website that has this information".....But I wasn't sure how to decide which all poojas to choose....I felt like also sending in a donation to renovate the Meppad temple and I thought I'll do that instead of being 'totally selfish' and asking for all the poojas....

I was very interested in having the pujas done but my husband does not believe in online homas/pujas….When I told him about it, he said we will look into it when we visit India in a few months in October….He said “Do you not want to be present when these pujas are done so that you can directly participate & benefit from them?”…..Good point…But then, why am I so desperate in having them done as soon as possible…I tried reasoning with him that even though we are miles away, SHE will still send us HER blessings and it was ok but he wasn’t 100% convinced…He said “We will have it done in October, when we are in India”…And I wasn’t so sure that I could wait until then……

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu.