My conversations with HER - Part 22

My conversations with HER - Part 22 - Written on 2nd December 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned."

These were random incidents, which happened in October 2011....

Incident 1:

I met a lady and I thought she was 4-5 months pregnant & was about to congratulate her, when I was told that her stomach is the way it is because she had "cesarian operations" for both of her past pregnancies...She was now having some medical problems because of her enlarged stomach.

Incident 2:

Sometime during this trip, while talking to "xyz" person,

Me: Come & have your food.

"xyz" person:  I'm dieting to get-back-in-shape.

Me: But aren't you nursing your baby...How will she get her food if you don't eat properly?

"xyz" person:  Oh I take "abc English medicine" and if the baby is still hungry I give her milk using 'milk powder'

Incident 3:

One day, as I was talking to someone, she mentioned something that deeply bothered me...

"abc" person-that-I-know has had 2 or 3 miscarriages in the past, is pregnant again & has just had "some medical procedure" done to stitch her womb so that she doesn't lose this baby again.....

{As I type this: What seems like innocent, day-to-day happenings to everyone else, bothered me...Why??...Maybe because these were the trigger-points that caused "my bubble" to burst....Maybe because I saw how "heartbreakingly" one woman was trying to conceive, another was worried about her body than her infant baby and another was now paying the price for her cesarian operation......Or maybe that is EXACTLY how SHE wanted me to think, inorder for me to realize the highest truth.}

Cascading-effect of thoughts:

• Lalithamba, why did YOU give that thought to "xyz" person?...Could she have thought of dieting if YOU didn't want her to?.....Why did YOU ask her to take that 'abc English medicine'?
• {Thinking} Didn't I read somewhere that in Soundarya Lahari there is a sloka that helps with lactation?? Why can't I remember where I read it?
• Lalithamba, YOU know that exact sloka in Soundarya Lahari...When that is the case, why didn't YOU tell her that?...What a pity that in this 21st century, babies have to rely on milk powder and English medicines when there is an easier, simpler solution.

Silence

• Why didn't YOU help "abc" person??...Don't YOU know how it would feel to have "a medical procedure" done to a-womb-containing-a-3-month-old-featus??......YOU call YOURSELF the Mother of the 3 worlds??....Why did YOU let that happen?

Silence

• Why are YOU silent Lalithamba? Why no answers? Why no light-bulbs-going-on now? Give me one good reason Lalithamba..
• Don't YOU dare say "It is that person's karma"....Don't YOU dare say "This is Kali Yuga and this is how things will be".....Those reasons do not apply to YOU.....If YOU are really beyond time and karma, don't YOU dare give me such petty reasons....YOU are the expert in advaita, right?....Give me one good reason why YOU let it happen...One good advaitic reason.

Silence

• Don't YOU reside in the swadhistana chakra? When that is the case, what a pity that in this 21st century, women have to resort to cesarian operations instead of a natural delivery.....
• Lalithamba I'm asking YOU, what percentage of women have natural delivery Vs cesarian?....Why are YOU not doing anything about it?......Why do YOU let doctors tear-open-the-womb?...Could those doctors have done it, if YOU didn't want them to?...Again, don't YOU dare say "Kali yuga" and "a person's karma" as the reason....That may apply to mortal-beings but not to YOU....How could YOU make so many mistakes Lalithamba?

Silence

• Now, Lalithamba what is the name of YOUR minister? (I forgot HER name)....Why can't I remember things properly?.....YOU O Devi the-minister-of-Lalithamba, what kind of advise have YOU been giving Lalithamba? Couldn't YOU have done something about it?.... Couldn't YOU have let Lalithamba know that so much of injustice is going on?
• YOU O Varahi, I know that YOU have so abundantly blessed me, but how could YOU have not warned Lalithamba?....YOU are HER Commander-in-chief, right?? What were YOU doing?...How could YOU let so much of injustice go on in this world? Why didn't YOU atleast do something about it?
• YOU, ALL of the 64 crores of GODDESS who live in the Srichakra, why didn't anyone of YOU do something about it? How could ALL of YOU fail??....Every single one of YOU have failed, ALL of YOU are guilty...Every single one of YOU are an accessory-to-the-crime, aiding and abetting the crime and YOU O Lalithamba are the biggest failure.....Why did YOU not do anything about it? Why are YOU asleep Lalithamba?...Even Kumbhakarna sleeps only for 6 months in an year. How long have YOU been sleeping?

 Silence

•  Lalithamba, I'm sorry to tell YOU this but whatever-is-the-mess-in-this-world, it is because of YOU.....YOU and YOU alone are responsible for it....YOU have let things go beyond control....Could any of these things have happened, if YOU didn't want them to happen?.....Give me an answer Lalithamba....One good advaitic answer.
• Lalithamba, do YOU know what cancer is?...Cancer is defined as the "uncontrolled division of cells"......That is what has happened to YOU Lalithamba.....YOU have let things go uncontrolled....I'm sorry to be the one to give YOU this diagnosis, but YOU have cancer Lalithamba....And that too happened because of YOU.

Silence

• What is the use of talking about corruption in the world, corruption in different countries when there is corruption in the COSMOS?...YOU have failed Lalithamba..

Silence

• Lalithamba, what makes YOU think that I won't question YOU?.....What makes YOU think that I will be one among those people who say "It is all HER will"?....When I was totally ignorant, I had a bunch of questions to ask God....Now that I know that everything happens according to YOUR will, what makes YOU think that I won't question YOU??.....
• If YOU didn't want me to question YOU, YOU should have let me be ignorant.... Why did YOU wake-up the sleeping giant?

Silence

• Has anybody questioned YOU Lalithamba?....Have YOU let anybody do that??.....Why?...Why not?
• {Thinking} What did Guruji tell us during the online class? Didn't He mention something about "some laser-related project" that he wanted to do but people had objected to His thinking?...Why can't I remember things properly?
• Lalithamba, YOU know exactly what I'm referring to...Why did YOU do such a thing??....Why do YOU send a person to do YOUR work & then give Him obstacles?....What makes YOU think YOU can get away with it??...Why did YOU give my Guruji all those obstacles??...Give me one good advaitic reason.

Silence

• Silence is not the answer Lalithamba...It's not good enough for me.....Matha-Pitha-Guru-Deivam, right??........I am YOUR Mother and YOU are my daughter remember??....That means that "Matha-Pitha-Guru-Deivam" rule does not apply to me, and YOU being a GODDESS come after my Guruji....How dare YOU give my Guruji all those obstacles?...How dare YOU Lalithamba?
• How many people have YOU sent to do YOUR work?
• Adi Shankaracharya - He came, He preached, He went away...Could he have left out women, if YOU didn't want it to happen that way?
• The different avatars of Narayana - He came, He preached, He went away
• The different Gurus that YOU've sent - They came, They preached, They went away
• What's changed after all this?....Other than the fact that each of YOUR representatives have ended up having "x number of temples", "y number of devotees" and "z number of trusts/organizations".....What's changed Lalithamba?
• {Thinking} Didn't I read somewhere that even the hundial offerings at certain temples are used-up by certain governments to run the state?.....Lalithamba, why did YOU let that happen?.....No wonder politicians are corrupt....Could that have happened if YOU didn't want it to happen that way.....Even that is YOUR fault.
• What's the point Lalithamba, when clearly YOU are the one that needs-a-preaching.....YOU know what, YOU have just lost the right to ask me to do anything....YOU have lost the right to ask me to write down my experiences...I won't do it...I just won't...Didn't YOU say that Adi Shankaracharya never disobeyed YOU....Well, let Adi Shankara remain as Adi Shankara....This is Shankara version 2.0 and I won't do what YOU ask me to.....Not until YOU give me one good advaitic reason why I should write down my experiences....Just one reason Lalithamba....Can't YOU do even that??...And if not, then what kind of a GODDESS are YOU?
• How do YOU expect me to trust YOU?....How can I believe that YOU won't cause obstacles for me?

Silence

• Lalithamba,do you have a HR department {Human Resources}....Who does all the hiring for YOU?? How do YOU choose YOUR Upasakas?.....When YOU are present everywhere, then what is all that about "Only someone who is chosen by DEVI gets Sri Vidya. It is said you do not choose Sri Vidya, but Sri Vidya chooses you. When you get it, when you look back, you will see how you have been guided slowly and surely to your Guru."......Why the partiality?...How can YOU contradict YOURSELF?
• YOU call YOUR vidya "the best vidya"....If so, how many people know about it & seek it?....If a few, then how come it's the best when there are no seekers?
• How many people seek YOU Lalithamba? If YOU are the best, why don't YOU have people flocking to know more about YOU....Why is it that people think that it's prestigious to work for a MNC {Multi National Corporation}, or a Fortune 500 company when clearly ALL the wealth is with YOU?......If YOU haven't been able to convince people, if YOU haven't been able to "hire people", what kind of an organization are YOU running? 

 Silence

Why the silence Lalithamba? How many more of YOUR mistakes do YOU want me to point out?

Silence

• YOU call this country a maatru-boomi? What is so "punyam" about this land Lalithamba, when there isn't ONE sloka that helps one conceive a GIRL-BABY?.... Is there one such sloka?... If no, why not?.....And if yes, then why didn't YOU bring that sloka into my life??...The Santana Gopala mantram is for getting a boy baby, right?.... If not, why did YOU make me think that it was??...Either way YOU look at it, anyway YOU look at it, it is ALL YOUR fault.
• YOU call this country a punya-boomi?...... Maybe once-upon-a-time, long-long-ago, so-long-ago, that everybody-has-forgotten-how-long ago, it was a punya boomi.....Is it a punya boomi now?.... I don't remember reading in any historical stories that there was a swayamvara for men and "women lined up so that men can choose them"....Weren't women given a choice to choose their life partner?.... Weren't such swayamvaras held so that A WOMAN can choose her partner? ---- Sita Devi, Draupadi, Damayanti, Savitri etc all of them chose their husbands....It wasn't forced upon them....Lalithamba I'm asking YOU, a direct one-to-one question, is such a system alive today?......If no, why not?.....If yes, then what are all the inter-caste marriage, inter-religion marriage, inter-country marriage fights all about?....Why a "separate section in any school/college/government" application form that gives you a bunch of options to choose from - a bunch of 'caste' options....Could that have happened if YOU didn't want it to happen?....Why did YOU let it happen?...Give me one single advaitic reason...
• YOU know what will happen if I write down all this?...The non-Hindu people may say that these are the reasons why one should convert into "xyz" religion.....Little will they realize that these happenings are also applicable to people who are "Non-Hindus" and if God is one, then their God is equally guilty too....If people were-to-think that way, then even that will be YOUR fault Lalithamba.

Silence

  

• Lalithamba, why are YOU not answering me?
• If at this stage of having received the Maha Sodasi mantra, if I am YOU, then I am angry....Why are YOU not angry Lalithamba?...How can YOU remain silent?
• I know it sounds silly, "me" asking "YOU" for one single advaitic reason, but even these thoughts are because of YOU...Even that is YOUR fault...Why do YOU give me such angry thoughts?...Even that is YOUR fault....Why can't I be "neutral" like Guruji?....

Silence

  

• Fine, if YOU are going to behave as if the rules of the mortal-world apply to YOU, then YOU know what, it does.
• There is one another rule in this mortal world that is going to apply to YOU......YOU are guilty until proven innocent...YOU ARE GUILTY Lalithamba and if YOU can make so many mistakes, then YOU are not Divine and if YOU are not Divine then I don't want YOU.

And I forgot that all of this had happened.

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

My conversations with HER - Part 12

My conversations with HER - Part 12 – Written on 18th November 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

Happenings after Guruji came into my life - September 2011:

After Guruji came into my life, both before & during the online Srividya classes, I was able to better understand HER....I had thought "Guruji calls HER as the AWARENESS"

   

Me: That thought during my Maha-deeksha at Kalki Bhagavan's Oneness University in May 2006.....When the padukas were placed on my head, I had a glimpse of Lord Shiva and Mt. Kailash ....But the thought "Why didn't I see Parvathy Devi?"......That thought was YOU wasn't it Lalithamba??.....That awareness that I didn't see YOU, that was YOU wasn't it??

SHE: Go on and accept what you thought at that time....

Me: Very clever of YOU Lalithamba.....YOU made me think that "Why didn't I see Parvathy Devi??..SHE must have gone out to save-the-world-or-something.....

I was beginning to realize one thing --- how much of my life was controlled by my fears......Fear of almost everything --- insects, bugs, cockroaches, dogs, cats, what-people-thought etc.....Back in June 2011, while breaking my Nirjala Ekadasi fast, I was surprised to see that there was a dog infront of our house......Not once in the 11 years that I've been in the USA, not once in the last 6 years that we live at our present house, did a stray dog EVER come to our house.....All those stories that I had read in Amar Chitra Katha, about Gods coming in the form of dogs to test a devotee came to mind....I wanted to give the dog some food & all that was available in the morning was the milk after doing the SHREEM BRZEE abhisekam to the Lakshmi Saligram....So, I poured some milk & opened the garage door to keep the bowl outside....The dog did try to come near me & I was frightened.....I thought "If it bites me, I'll have to have injections to couteract it's bite".....And I stepped away saying "I don't know who you are, but I am frightened of dogs...So, please forgive me for not recognising you."

I was reminded of the above dog incident a number of times and wondered which God it might have been....

SHE: Isn't it enough to know that it was BRAHMAN in the form of a dog?

Maybe it was indeed due to all the prayers & pujas that were done until now, but I was able to face-my-fears....One day, while dropping my son at his daycare, I noticed that there was a black cat sitting on the walkway leading to the entrance.....My normal reaction would have been to take a different route, but I decided to be brave and walk-past-the-cat.....I was scared too but my only hope was "This too is a form of BRAHMAN"....And the cat did nothing.....It just sat there minding-it's-own-business.....The next day, as if to test me again, there were 2 cats sitting on the walkway and all I did was close my eyes and chant BRAHMAN, BRAHMAN........My 3 year old son was braver than me & wanted to 'play with the cats' and all I could think of was "Are the cats vaccinated?....Are their nails clipped/cut??...If it scratches me, will I need an injection?".....FEAR in different forms, but FEAR nevertheless

After the frequent thoughts of BRAHMAN i.e after the Varahi puja done at Meppad Temple, I was able to atleast recognize that I have so many fears.....My only consolation - everything that I was scared of was BRAHMAN, including the pitch black darkness at night.....And I was searching for the practical experience of BRAHMAN....So, I told myself "I need to face my fears."

Sometime after Guruji came into my life, while reading some Srividya material, I read that Srividya was described as "Atmavidya, Brahmavidya"

Me: Brahmavidya? ...That story that I repeatedly read as a child, in Amar Chitra Katha - Vishwamitra, the fight between Sage Vasistha and Sage Vishwamitra over Viswamitra being acknowledged as a Brahmarishi......That was Brahmavidya......That is the same as Srividya???....If only I had known that both are the same, I would have never pursued Srividya.....Why??....Because that storybook was so fascinating and it made me wonder "How much of effort Vishwamitra had to put in....How much of penance he had to do..."

Very clever of you O Lalithamba..

Another thing that I observed during the online Srividya classes, was Guruji's behaviour towards us....He was so free, so casual and in one of the classes he actually apologized to someone when the student mentioned something about getting the (mis)information on the Devipuram website....That had such an impact on me....I thought "Guruji apologized.....Why?...Because that student said that something might have been misrepresented on the Devipuram website....If my Guru can be so humble, then why do I have a BIG FAT EGO??....If my Guru can apologize to people, why can't I??.....As is the Guru, so is the disciple."

Thereafter, my husband was a little surprised with my 'you do what you want' attitude...I had to learn to let-go of the little things in life, to let go of always wanting things to happen my way.....

My Husband: Are you ok??...Do you need to see a doctor or something?

Me: I'm just fine...And by the way, that 'list' that you were keeping track of, to see how many things have happened according to the way you wanted it, you may have to update that list !!!

  

Maybe Sri Bhaskararaya Makhi had indeed sat on my shoulders, but anytime, spiritually speaking, I was to think of doing any pujas or homas, I was reminded of my 'ashuddha bhakti'

Me: But I do say "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu" isn't it?...So it all goes to YOU anyway....

SHE: When you don't have anything specific to ask of ME, why do you want to invoke ME in fire/homa to tell ME to do MY job? Am I not doing what I want anyway ?

!!!!   

Me: But Lalithamba, it's 'my' part of the merit that I'm giving away.....My husband & son are still benefitted right?? It's upto YOU to make them also giveup their share of the merit...How many people think about the "cosmic account"?....Isn't everyone worried about their own "individual account" of merit & demerit?..... And if YOU didn't want me to consider those pujas or homas, why did YOU give me the thought?...Either way it's ALL YOUR doing.

Silence.

Sometime in September 2011, we again visited the St. Louis Hindu Temple and this time, I gave the priest there, a drawing of Srichakra that I had recently drawn....He was overjoyed to receive it, especially with Navarathri just a few weeks away...Also, we signedup for the Dattatreya abisekham to be done during the following weekday and I silently thanked HIM for all HIS blessings......Last December, when we had performed the Dattatreya abisekham, I really didn’t know very much about HIM........Now, HE was sitting right beside my Siddha Guru Swaprakasananda's photo...

It was also sometime during this month that I happened to buy the book Vasistha's Yoga and I had just started reading it.....It was all beginning to sound similar - BRAHMAN, AWARENESS, CONSCIOUSNESS......Different names, same thing.

I had thought "All that I know is the theory part - Aham Brahmasmi, Tat Tvamasi, I am THAT, I am not the body etc......What use is this theory when I haven't yet practically experienced any of it....If in academics, the score is 80% theory and 20% practicals, then in spirituality, it's almost the opposite, with 20% being theory and 80% practical experience.....Of that 20% theory, I know perhaps less than 0.1% "

SHE: {in Tamil} Therinjadhu kai alavu, theriyaadhadhu kadal alavu {English meaning - What you know you can fit into the palms of your hand, what you don't know is as vast as the ocean..}

Me: My favorite Tamil proverb....Isn't that something that I've always wondered about?....Lalithamba, what am I going to do with the 20% theory part when I am repeatedly, consistently failing the practical exam part?......Forget about the 20% theory part, no matter how much I know,

       

       What I know = fits in the palm of my hand and

       What I don't know = as vast as the ocean.

In that case, what's the use of the theory part??.......Unless one becomes the ocean itself.....Give me the 80% practical experience part...That's good enough for me...

Silence.

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

My conversations with HER - Part 9

My conversations with HER - Part 9 - Written on 11th November 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

(cont) The happenings in June 2011:

By the end of this month, things were "unstable" within me.....Maybe because of all the happenings - me being unable to get the Devipuram Meru, me being a total fool and failing to recognize the form of Srividya initiation from the Meppad temple, made me very very upset....You see, at that point, spiritually speaking, I wasn't evolved enough to put the "blame" on HER or IT.......Why did I not email Arjunaacharya and re-ask him for initiation into Srividya??......I did think about it but then I thought "Maybe, he will be upset with me for refusing it in the first place.".......So, I just let-it-be and I wondered "Is this the closest I'll ever come to Srividya??"...

I was angry with HER for everything....I had thought

{As I hesitate to type my "then-thoughts":

SHE: Type them exactly as it came...

Me: But Lalithamba, I scolded YOU so badly.....

SHE: Could you have done it, if I didn't want you to??....Those thoughts have already come...You are now, only writing about it....Go on, type them all.... }


I had thought " Who are YOU Lalithamba and why did YOU have to go & sit right in the "Bindu of Srichakra" and make YOURSELF so inaccessible to people??......What gave YOU the right to play with my life??....Why did YOU come into my life if YOU didn't want me to find YOU??.....Are YOU testing me??.....Are you asking me to choose between YOU and my husband?? "

I was then reminded of a conversation between my mother-in-law and me in the year 2007.....My mother-in-law had said "It is us women who get caught up with samsara and think "This is my husband, this is my family"...For men, it is easier for them to forsake the family and go in search of truth".......I had then thought "Not me, I will not be one of those women who think that way....If I had to choose, I will give up my family to go in-search of the Higher Truth.."

It almost seemed as if SHE was testing me......Reminding me of that conversation and asking me to choose....


No amount of "discussions" at home seemed to help.....My husband had said "Why are you so stubborn??...Why can't you be flexible??....Until now it was rudhrakshas that had your attention and now this??.....Tomorrow you will find another thing....Why are you so selfish??".....Well, he was right....Until now it was rudhrakshas.....I so very badly wanted the Indrakshi mala.....Why??...Because I had so many 'unfulfilled desires' and didn't I read that an Indrakshi mala would make a person be "Ichadhari".......I couldn't very well explain it but I just 'felt-the-burning-desire' and it was after wearing those higher mukhi rudhraksha beads after Shivarathri 2011, that this 'burning-desire' subsided a lot.....After wearing these higher mukhi beads, I was able to say "It is now ok even if I don't get the Indrakshi mala.."


And now this "latest madness", mad after HER.....I had asked HER "Am I selfish Lalithamba??....Am I?.....If the very reason for me to be selfish is to know this "SELF", then doesn't this SELFish nature become DIVINE 'ish??.......Why are YOU not helping me??....How could YOU be so cruel and heartless??....Is it fair at all??.....Why did YOU come into my life??...Why give me all these desires if YOU don't want me to find YOU??  "

I then remembered aacharya's signature line on his gmail.....What was it that he had written??

"What you have is destiny and what you do with what you have is effort.....Future destiny is past destiny modified by your present action...You are not only the prisoner of your past but master of your future"

I copied it,  printed it & stuck it on my refrigerator at home so that I would always remember it.....I must have read it atleast a thousand times, especially the underlined words and thought "What am I going to do NOW that will change my future??? "....There was only one thing that came to mind......So, again started the "discussions" at home....

My husband: Again??..We are having the same talk again??...Ok, let me ask you this....Weren't you the one who said that there is no such thing as 'your' money and 'my' money as it's a single account?

Me: Yes

My husband: Irrespective of you saying that, didn't you say "I want "X" dollars a month 'pocket-money' to spend on your so-called "spiritual activities" online even though you know that I don't believe in "online prayers" ?

Me: Yes

My husband: Haven't you been doing your so-called pujas online in the different websites that you found??

Me: Yes {On Dr. Pillai's website and Astroved}

My husband: And when I bought "X" electronic item didn't you say that I was wasting money on un-necessary things?

Me: Yes

My husband:  And if I was wasting money on "an item" that you could see before your eyes, why is it wrong when I say the same thing back to you?

Me: Silence {I didn't know how to explain it then}

My husband: Didn't "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H" happen according to the way you wanted it?

Me: Yes

My husband: Name a few things that happened the way I wanted it, without you changing it one bit.

Me: {After thinking really hard} "X,Y & Z"

My husband: It took you a while to think about the things that have happened my way, and all you could come up was 3 items.....Didn't I give you a 'list' of things that have happened the way you wanted it?.....Are the scales even balanced??…Is this fair?.....

!!!!

 Me: {Thinking: Didn't I ask HER the same question....If it was fair of HER }.....Even though I agree that all that you have said is correct, I still want what I want.....

 A few more "discussions" later

My husband: Since there is no end to these "discussions", the only solution is, for you to do what you want with your salary and me to do what I want with mine....You do have a big ego and the sooner you realize it, the better it'll be for all of us....And if you do choose to do what you want with your salary, you will have to do it outside this house.

  

You see, at that time, I really couldn't explain it....I felt as if SHE was testing me to see how far I would go......I felt SHE was testing me to see who I would choose....That conversation between my mother-in-law and me was "being re-played" within my mind.....At that time, spiritually speaking, I was ready to do anything for 'moksha'....So, mentally I was ready to leave-the-house

So, I emailed Arjunaacharya all the necessary information and requested the "Varahi Kola mukhi puja, Sri Durga Nitya puja and Mahalakshmi Kamalatmika puja" and also sent him the payment.

I told HER "I've done my part....I have chosen YOU...Let me see what YOU do now....The ball is in your court Lalithamba....Are YOU going to make me face the consequences of my actions or are YOU going to assume responsibility for it??....All those websites and forums that said "Just tell HER that it is HER problem and see what will happen"......Well Lalithamba, it is YOUR problem now."

At home, my husband was surprised with what I had done...He said "Irrespective of you agreeing that it was not fair, if you still chose to do it, it could only mean that you are only concerned about yourself."........Well that was true, I was only concerned about mySELF...

Who do I ask to see if I had a big ego?? Surely I wouldn't know it...I had absolutely no patience to repeat this 'Ramayana-like-proportion' story to ask who was correct?....How do I know if it's the ego in me which is thinking that "I will do just fine if I leave the house" or "If I have to apologize to my husband & face the consequences".....There was only one place that I could think of......So Prasna services it was and I asked them and the response was that I don't leave the house.

It only made me angrier.....I told HER "Just who do YOU think YOU are??....Irrespective of me choosing YOU, why do YOU want me to stay back??....Why are YOU playing with my life??.."

'Something' told me that Sage Narada was witnessing these events and saying "Narayana, Narayana"......I said " YOU Narada, is it YOU who is doing this to me??....How many times have YOU interfered in other people's life to cause misunderstandings.....What makes YOU think that YOU could do as YOU please and pass the 'blame' to Narayana by chanting HIS name??....YOU know what??... If YOU can do as YOU please and say "Narayana, Narayana", then I too can scold you left- right-and-center and pass the 'blame' onto BRAHMAN by saying "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu"

Now, YOU Narayana, how could YOU, who so clearly saved YOUR devotee Prahalada, be so partial to his grandson MahaBali and push him into the underworld.....Was that fair??....Don't even answer that question......YOU have YOUR own so-called reason for everything.

And now YOU LALITHA, why did YOU have to go & sit in the bindu of a Srichakra and make it hard for people to find YOU...How much longer are YOU going to test me??...Aren't these emotions good enough for YOU?....Are these tears not real enough for YOU??....YOU and YOUR daughter BALA {Bala tripura Sundari}, what makes YOU think the two of YOU can do as YOU please and noone will question YOU?...YOU know what, if in YOUR world, if YOU O Lalithamba are 16 years old and YOU have a 9 year old daughter BALA, then in my world, on this earth plane, I am 33 years old and that means that I'm old enough to be YOUR mother Lalithamba.....So stop fooling around and behave YOURSELF....Be the daughter YOU expect of BALA....What does it take to get YOUR attention??....I have tried asking YOU nicely.....No, I have asked YOU nicely, but apparently that doesn't work....Let me see if I can make YOU angry enough for YOU to respond to me.....Didn't I read somewhere that "The Goddess loves fun"....YOU know what Lalithamba, it's not funny anymore....Not when YOU play with my life like this.....I don't like YOUR sense of humor....It is not funny anymore.....Go on, open YOUR eyes and look at me......LOOK-AT-ME

{As I hesitate to type further:

SHE: Type the exact words you used.

Me: YOU mean the exact words that YOU made me use

SHE: Is there a difference now, at this stage, when I = YOU }

 Go on, open YOUR eyes and look at me......LOOK-AT-ME DAMN IT

An inner voice, which at that time I thought was fear trying to creep back in:  Did you just scold HER?....Lalitha Tripura Sundari??...HER, whose ugra avatar (fierce form) even the Trimurties are afraid of??

Me: (Still angry)...Yes....Yes I did....So what if it is LALITHA HERSELF.....So what??.....I don't care anymore....What is SHE going to do?? Open HER 3rd eye and burn me to ashes??....Curse me to eternal damnation??......What is my present life if not eternally damned anyways??....Can life get anymore damned when SHE is not in my life.....When Sri Lakshmi who is a part of HER can bestow blessings on HER devotees by merely HER side-way glances, then what amount of blessings must pour in when LALITHA HERSELF looks at me, even though SHE may look at me and burn me up.....I don't care anymore Lalithamba.....I'm not afraid to die.

An inner voice, which at that time I thought was fear trying to creep back in: What about your husband and son?

Me: Why should I worry about it??....It's HER problem.....If SHE has decided to burn me up, SHE should be the one worrying about what will happen to my husband and son....I''ve already given-up my husband anyway.

Silence

Me: (Still angry): Go on, open YOUR eyes and LOOK-AT-ME.....YOU are the one who preached Advaita through Adi Shankaracharya isn't it?....YOU are the one who said it is all YOU.....And I'm the idiot who doesn't yet "get-it"........I'm the fool here who is yet to practically experience it....That means, according to YOU, YOU are only scolding YOURSELF.

The only way for me to explain what happened next is, imagine that you have a 100kg weight on your head and imagine that suddenly that weight has been lifted....Whatever is that feeling, was what I felt then

Me: So, if SHE said that it is all HER, if SHE said that SHE = Me and I just said that SHE was scolding HERSELF, then does it mean that I'm just scolding myself now ??...If A = B and B = C then A = C right???

The insight was so profound, deep and confusing that it shut me up, for a while atleast.....

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu.

My conversations with HER - Part 6

My conversations with HER - Part 6 – Written on 5th November 2011

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

(Cont) - The happenings upto June 2011:

I had found the Devipuram website and had been 'googling' info about Guru Amritananda....I was reading any & all articles related to Guruji....The FAQs on keeping a meru at home  so clearly answered all my questions....I quote from that website:

"Do I harm if pujas are not done properly to me? Do I harm myself? I am the whole of cosmos. Out of the billions of galaxies, if in one of them, in a medium size galaxy, in an average star you call sun, in the tiniest speck called earth, in one life form out of billions, in one miniscule slot of time called a day out of infinite cycles of time called kalpas, if one person does remember me or not, is it going to effect me in any way? What an idea! That I should harm you if you don't do puja! I could be least bothered!"


I thought "SHE talks to Guruji and what crystal clear answers SHE gives him!.....LALITHA won't YOU talk to me too??"....I realized two main things on reading the above paragraph

1. Earth is a tiny speck compared to the whole of cosmos
2. SHE doesn't care if I do puja or not....I need HER....SHE doesn't need me....

{As I type this:  If I thought I needed HER in June 2011, why did I say I didn't need HER during my Viraja homa sankalpa?? Because Arjunaacharya of Meppad temple had stepped in, to do the Varahi kola mukhi homam on 4th August 2011...And what was my personal sankalpa for this homam??

Amma, please guide me on the path towards the Higher Truth. I’m ignorant of what THAT is and seek your guidance. I’ve been ignorant for these many lifetimes and these many years and am finally trying to wake up from this slumber of ignorance to reach the Divine. I’ve read that when one surrenders to you, you destroy the evil forces that obstruct the devotee’s progress and ultimately lead the devotees to Sri Vidya. Please, please stay with me forever and guide me. I surrender to you.

I also take this opportunity to convey my pranams to Devi Lalitha Parameswari. Wise men say that you as Varahi and Lalitha Parameswari are one and the same. When learned men have no words to describe you, how can I, an ignorant fool, even attempt it? All I can do is humbly request you to please, please stay with me forever and guide me. I helplessly surrender to you.

And THAT Higher Truth is BRAHMAN who I knew "theoretically" but was yet to practically experience IT.....But WHO nevertherless took the form of my Guruji, who I met online on 7th August 2011.......Thank YOU BRAHMAN for also coming into my life in the form of Arjunaacharya of Meppad temple.}

Before I go on, let me tell you about one advise that my father gave me long ago.

When I was in my 3rd or final year of engineering college in Chennai, India ,like the usual college girl, I was at the last minute preparing for my exam. I think the subject was thermal engineering or some other such complex subject, my father gave me one advise.....He said, "When you are reading it for the 1st time, just read it all, even if you don't understand it....It'll come back to you when you read it again for the 2nd time".....I can't remember if I followed his advise then, but I follow it now when I read spiritual books/articles.......Sometime in October 2006, I had asked my parents to send me these 2 books - The Eight Upanishads with the Commentary of Sankaracarya, Vol. I & Vol 2 by Swami Gambhirananda.....As I started to read the book, I told my atma/soul "Listen to what I'm about to read...Surely YOU've heard it before...My mind may not understand but YOU do.."

I can't exactly recall when, but sometime between Navarathri 2010 and June 2011, when 'researching about Srichakra', I had come across various articles - Dattatreya Jayanti, Astavakra Gita, Avadhoota Gita, Tripura Rahasya, Yogini Tantra, Gandharva Tantra, Yogini Hridaya, Shri puja Lalitha Tripura Sundari, Maha Shodha Nyasa etc......I read through most of the parts, of the above sites.....I understood perhaps less than 0.1% of what I read, but I just read them all....I thought, "Maybe IF I read them again later, I'll understand them a little better...Meanwhile let my atma/soul remember WHO IT IS".....But one thing that really struck me was about Dattatreya - that HE had learnt from whatever source it came from {HIS 24 gurus} and I told HIM "Please Dattatreya, teach me to be like YOU, to learn from my surroundings"

{Day 1 of the online Srividya class, when I looked at the guru parampara pictures --- on Siddha guru Swaprakasananda's picture, I saw Dattatreya's picture at the top left corner and SHE said: Didn't you ask HIM to guide you?

As I type this:

SHE: Don't you remember what Dr. Pillai's name was before he took his official name of Dr. Baskaran Pillai? { I can't find that link now as Dr. Pillai's website has changed in the last several months}   

Me: Dattatreya Shiva Baba !.....According to naadi leaves {ancient leaves}, my Agastiar {Dr. Pillai} was also Dattatreya in another lifetime.

SHE: What did Dr. Pillai say his reason was to go by his official name?


Me: That there were 99.9999% of the people who were not able to relate to HIM because of his "Dattatreya Shiva Baba" name and all those people need to be saved too......All those people need to be awakened too...

SHE: Didn't Guruji tell you the same thing too during your first online class?? That HE was bringing the Kaula marga path of Srividya to all?? To the 99.9999% of the people?

Me: Wasn't it after doing the Dattatreya abhisekam at the St. Louis Hindu Temple in December 2010, that I came across Dr. Pillai's website??}

June 14th 2011 - My 33rd birthday

On this day, I had requested for the Siddha blessing ritual at the San Diego's Pillai retreat center. This was the 2nd time I was having the ritual done { first time was sometime in Feb 2011}.....What's a Siddha blessing??.....It is an abishekam performed to four boulders on the San Diego retreat center that Dr. Pillai has identified as embodying the energy of four Siddhas: Agastiar,  Kagabujandar, Bhogar and Vishvamitra.

Another thing that I was looking forward to, on my birthday was for some sign that Mahaavatar Babaji had listened to my request.....You see sometime during November - December 2010, I happened to read the book called "Autobiography of an Yogi" --- an excellent book about the experience of Paramahamsa Yogananda....That evening, a thought came to me, " Lahiri Mahasaya found his Guru Mahaavatar Babaji when he was 33 years old....I'll be 33 years old in June 2011.....O Mahaavatar Babaji, will you lead me to my Guru when I too am 33 years old??".....I was awaiting to see if anything, something MAGICAL would happen on that day and nothing did....I thought "Mahaavatar Babaji must have forgotten my request or HE doesn't exist....But surely HE does exist, as Paramahamsa Yogananda was real & he lived just a 100 or so years ago.....Where are you my Guru?? How much longer is the wait??? "

{As I type the above:

SHE: What do you think Mahaavatar Babaji was doing on that day if not sending you blessings through the four Siddhas?







Just 3 days ago, I checked my laptop and I realized that it was on 25th May 2011 that I first downloaded the Panchadasi mantra { It was named 'Kundalini" file, so I didn't know it was Panchadasi until I downloaded it from devipuram.com website......At that time, I didn't realize it, but Guruji had already come into my life....I hadn't yet realized that HE is my Guru.. }


Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu.