My conversations with HER - Part 13

My conversations with HER - Part 13  – Written on 18th November 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

Happenings in Sept 2011:

Guruji taught us the MahaGanapathy tharpana and on 6th September I started doing it....The "turmeric water" after the tarpanam was finished, was taken as theertham by my family.... I also used the water while cooking & the remaining water was kept in a bottle for use the next day while bathing....I didn't want to waste the 'turmeric water' at all and thought that if all 3 of my family members use the water, maybe all the obstacles that would prevent us from meeting Guruji in India next month, would be removed.....

At the end of the tarpanam, I would say," Whatever is the merit of doing the MahaGanapathy tarpanam, I give it all back to YOU O BRAHMAN in the form of MahaGanapathy"....Maybe it was indeed due to the MahaGanapathy tarpanams but my desire to offer tarpanam to the "Rishis" and "Devas" also came true....I came across this site which had a good writeup on Deva & Rishi tarpanams and also had the mantras to be chanted....

Me: {Thinking} Can I do the Deva & Rishi tarpanams?

SHE: Didn't you ask Guruji if one can do additional prayers inaddition to what he teaches and didn't he say yes?

I was a little hesitant to pronounce the mantras in Sanskrit as I didn't know the language at all and was worried if I might mis-pronounce something.....I thought "English, Tamil & Telugu languages have helped me so far....I would rather do the tarpanam in a language that I'm familiar with, rather than risk doing it in a language that I don't know and hence won't know if I make a mistake"......I did print out the English manual from that website but didn't have it in front of me on that day when I sat down to do the tarpanams...

I wore all my rudhrakshas & invoked the guidance of all GODS

2 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Arthanareswara
3 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Agni deva
4 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Brahma deva
5 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Lord Shiva
6 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Muruga, Karthikeya
7 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Goddess Mahalakshmi, Sapta Rishis [Seven Eternal Sages], Sapta Naga Devargal [Seven Serpant Gods], Sapta Maatrikas [Seven MOTHERS]

8 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Lord Ganesha
9 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Goddess Durga
10 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Lord Vishnu, Lord Narayana
11 mukhi rudhraksha representing  - Lord Hanuman, The 11th form of Lord Rudra
12 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Surya deva
13 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Indra deva and Kama deva
14 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Lord Shiva
16 mukhi rudhraksha representing  - Maha Mrityunjaya form of Lord Shiva
17 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Katyani devi, the 6th form of Goddess Durga and Viswakarma
The Lakshi Saligram infront of whom I am to do the tarpanam  and

BRAHMAN

With YOU ALL as my WITNESS I begin to do my Deva, Rishi, Pitru & Karunya tarpanam....I don't know Sanskrit & hence am hesitant to chant the mantras in Sanskrit as I could very well mis-pronounce it and Sanskrit being such a tricky language, it might mean something totally different than what I intend to say...So, I continue to use the language that I've been using for Pitru & Karunya tarpanam.

BRAHMAN, YOU know all languages and not just Sanskrit...Please take the tarpanam offerings to these souls and help them ALL merge into YOU.

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu - Whatever I'm going to do, I offer it all to BRAHMAN

Deva tarpanam:

As I sit facing the east direction, with my right leg's knee touching the ground {and not the left leg's knee}, I place the rice, white sesame seeds, darba grass and water in my hand and say & invoke 

All the GODS and GODDESS who have helped me, both in this lifetime and in the many previous lifetimes that I've had before

• Ganapathy
• Muruga/Karthikeya
• Lord Shiva & Parvathy
• Lord Narayana & Sri Lakshmi
• Lord Brahma & Saraswati
• Lord Ayappa
• Krishna and Rukmini/Radha
• Lord Indra and ALL the Gods in HIS court - Vayu deva, Varuna deva, Agni deva, Surya deva, Yama deva .......{Thinking}....I don't remember the names of the other Devas in the court, but ALL the Gods in Lord Indra's court, please accept this tarpanam....Dear Yama deva, please don't be angry with me that I'm asking everyone to merge into BRAHMAN.....Please don't be angry that the hells will be empty and YOU will have nothing to do......{As I type this now, I can't remember exactly what my words were, but what I meant to say was that, when Lord Yama HIMSELF preached to Nachiketa (in the Kathopanishad) on the real nature of the SELF, then how can HE be angry with me for saying the same thing during my tarpanams?}
• The Navagraha devas
• The Dikpalakas – Gods of the 8 directions
• The Gandharvas....{Thinking}...Are the Gandharvas and Apsaras also gods??....If YOU are, then I offer this tarpanam to YOU....If YOU are not, then YOU ALL are covered under the 'karunya tarpanam' category when I offer the karunya tarpanam to all forms of BRAHMAN in the 14 worlds...
• Sri Lalitha Tripura Sundari, Bala Tripura Sundari - my Divya Guru, Varahi and ALL the 64 crores of GODDESS who live in the Srichakra.......{Thinking}....I don't know if the GODDESS in Srichakra have their male counterparts, and if they do, then ALL of them as well.
• Durga devi
• I realize that I'm not intelligent enough to remember the names of ALL the GODS and GODDESS, so please forgive my ignorance for not personally saying YOUR name, but any GODS and GODDESS that I may have left out, you ALL are included as well.

Please accept this Deva tarpanam and bless me & my family.....Please forgive my ignorance for not properly offering you tarpanam but I have kept you waiting for a long time.....I do not wish to continue to do so....So until a time comes when I learn how to properly do the "Deva tarpanam", please accept this tarpanam and consider this as an "Appetizer" until the "Main course meal arrives"....YOU know, if one goes to a restaurant, then one sometimes orders an appetizer before the main dish and who knows, maybe this appetizer is all that it takes to please YOU....

Also, please, please don't test me anymore....I've failed enough lifetimes.....Before ANY one of YOU want to test me, please ask YOURSELF this question "Are YOU with me??....If yes, then I will pass YOUR test.....If not, then I will fail YOUR test......Krishna, isn't it because YOU were with the Pandavas that they won the Kurushetra war??....When YOU ALL are with me, how can I fail??......Now, that YOU know the answer as to if I'll pass or fail  YOUR test, why do YOU wish to test me??.......How can there be darkness when there is a million watt bulb with me?....Almost ALL of YOU have realized BRAHMAN.....Please bless me so that I too may personally experience IT.....Even me saying these things to YOU is because of YOUR grace....Please accept this Deva tarpanam and bless me & my family..Also, please bless me so that I may merge into BRAHMAN.

And I pour out the water along with the rice, sesame seeds & dharba grass to fall through the fingertips of my right hand.

Rishi tarpanam:

 As I sit facing the east direction, with my right leg's knee touching the ground {and not the left leg's knee}, I place the rice, white sesame seeds, darba grass and water in my hand and say & invoke

All the Rishis who've help me come this far in my spiritual path, both in this lifetime & in my many previous lifetimes, please accept this Rishi tarpanam

• Rishi of my maiden gotra ---- I understand that Sage Viswamitra is the Rishi of Kaushika gotra....If this understanding of mine is correct, then O Sage Viswamitra, somehow, somewhere or the other I am related to YOU.......YOU are my great-great-----------great grandfather and I am YOUR great-great-----------great granddaughter......YOU may have rejected Shakuntala, but wasn't that because YOU could continue YOUR spiritual quest to become a BRAHMARISHI??....Now that Sage Vasistha HIMSELF has acknowledged YOU as a BRAHMARISHI, why would YOU wish to reject my request for help......O Sage Viswamitra, if I correctly understand that the Rishi of the Kaushika gotra is YOU, then YOU are my grandfather, whether YOU like it or not and I am going to address YOU as Viswamitra thatha (grandfather)…..Viswamitra thatha, I thank YOU for 2 things - for giving the Gayatri mantra to the world and for also giving the SHREEM BRZEE mantra to the world....Both of these mantras have helped me.....I seem to have inherited 2 qualities from YOU ----- 1) Anger ---- Please teach me how YOU controlled YOUR anger and 2) The quest for BRAHMAN - to be a BRAHMARISHI......Won't YOU please teach me how YOU did it...How did YOU "make-it"??....I had read somewhere that YOU had guided Lord Rama as YOU were a King YOURSELF and hence knew the 'rules-of-the-game-of-Kingship'......If YOU helped Lord Rama, why won't YOU help me -- YOUR granddaughter???....Surely, YOU won't be partial, would YOU???.......Thatha, how many kaushika gotra people thank YOU for giving the Gayatri mantra to the world??......A few right??.....Out of that few, how many ask YOU for guidance to seek BRAHMAN??......Very very few right???....When I am among that few, why won't YOU help me?....Doesn't YOUR name mean "Friend of the world"?....When YOU can be the "friend of the world", then why won't YOU be my friend and help me??......Please help me thatha..
• Rishi of my married gotra -- Thank you for accepting me as the great-great-------great grand daughter-in-law into YOUR family.....I don't know YOUR name & hence I am unable to personally say YOUR name but nevertheless I thank YOU
• Agastiar Rishi ---- All that I knew was YOUR name and YOU have beautifully guided me to my present spiritual stage.....Thank YOU very much.
• Sage Vasistha ---- I also seek YOUR guidance.....Thank YOU for coming into my life in the form of the book Vasistha's Yoga....I have just started reading this book....Please bless me so that I may understand the wisdom contained in the book, so that I may understand the teachings that YOU give to Lord Rama.......And by the way Sage Vasistha, I just acknowledged Sage Viswamitra as my great-great----------great grandfather......I've read about the fights between the two of YOU and how King Harischandra was tested......Please, please don't test me......Please don't test me saying "Oh you are Sage Viswamitra's great, great------great grand daughter.....Let me test you similar to the way I tested your great, great------great grandfather"......I don't wish to be the 'guinea pig' like King Harischandra......If YOU still wish to test me, I tell YOU the same thing that I told the GODS and GODDESS in the Deva tarpanam.......Before YOU want to test me, please ask YOURSELF this question "Are YOU with me??....If yes, then I will pass YOUR test.....If not, then I will fail YOUR test.....Now that YOU know the answer as to if I'll pass or fail  YOUR test, why do YOU wish to test me??.......How can there be darkness when there is a million watt bulb with me?......Please, please don't test me anymore.
• To the Sapta Rishis {Thinking}…I don’t know your names….But thank you for coming into my life in the form of 7 mukhi rudhraksha beads.
• To all the Rishis who have directly or indirectly helped me in my past lifetimes, I thank YOU
• To all the Siddhas ........{Thinking}....Are Siddha's the same as Rishis???......Well, Sage Agastiar is a Siddha and also a Rishi.....So, on that basis, I consider all the Siddhas to be Rishis as well......To all the Siddhas who've directly or indirectly blessed me when I did the Arunachala girivalam earlier this year, I thank YOU
• Didn't I read in Devi Bhagavatham, that while describing the Manidweepa, it was mentioned that the Siddhas live in a 'palace' close to HER 'palace'....I remember this very well because I had thought "After ALL those prayers and meditations, why are the Siddhas just close to HER palace???...Why are they not ONE with HER??.......To all those Siddhas who live in a 'palace' close to HER, please accept this Rishi tarpanam and merge into HER.....And as YOU do so, please bless me & my family and bless me so that I too may merge into BRAHMAN.
• To the 4 Siddhas in the form of the boulders at the San Diego Pillai retreat center -  Agastiar,  Kagabujandar, Bhogar and Vishvamitra.....I thank YOU for YOUR blessings.
• Adi Shankaracharya, I thank YOU too for YOUR blessings....I have benefited from YOUR teachings too.
• Sage Veda Vyasa, I still don't know the 'formal' way to offer tarpanam to YOU but atleast this time I got the 'category' right....Please accept this Rishi tarpanam.

All of the above mentioned Rishis and Siddhas, most of YOU ALL are already ONE with BRAHMAN.....Will YOU please not help me to also merge into BRAHMAN?... I remember reading the Amar Chitra Katha - Tales of Durga storybook that SHE was born from the shakti of the various gods....Most of YOU Rishis are ONE with IT...Won't YOU share 1% of YOUR energy/wisdom so that I too can get close to IT.....If YOU cannot be happy with 99% shakti, then imagine how it must be for me who am at 0%.....Won't YOU please help me??...Please accept this Rishi tarpanam and bless me & my family....Please bless me so that I too may realize & practically experience BRAHMAN.

And I pour out the water along with the rice, sesame seeds & dharba grass to fall through the left side of the palm of my right hand.

Pitru tarpanam {As mentioned in My conversations with HER - Part 5 }...Ever since I started doing the Rishi tarpanam, I also think of Sage Viswamitra when doing my paternal pitru tarpanam.....

Karunya tarpanam {As mentioned in My conversations with HER - Part 5 }

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu - Whatever I've done so far, whatever is the merit obtained by doing all these tarpanams, I offer it all to BRAHMAN.

Mahalaya paksha - September 2011

Last year at this time, I had wondered if women could do tarpanam and this time I wondered "How far have I come this year....What a journey it has been".....I remembered reading somewhere that if one is at Kasi and does the Mahalaya paksha tarpanam there using the Ganges water, then it greatly benefits one's forefathers....I thought "I'm here in USA, far far away from Kasi"....And my eyes fell on the small copper chombu (water pot) in my puja altar, that we had bought when we visited Kasi in the year 2007

   

"Even a drop of water from holy Ganga is enough", isn't that what Adi Shankaracharya said in HIS Bhaja Govindam.....Gangaajalalava kanikaa peetaa

So, I opened the copper water pot containing the Ganga water, and added a few drops of IT'S water to my "panjapatra" water....And during Mahalaya Paksha, everyday, I used this water to do my Deva, Rishi, Pitru and Karunya tarpanams and I told ALL of them "This water is now equivalent to the Ganges water....Please accept this tarpanam as if it was done using the Ganga water ITSELF"

  

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

My conversations with HER - Part 12

My conversations with HER - Part 12 – Written on 18th November 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

Happenings after Guruji came into my life - September 2011:

After Guruji came into my life, both before & during the online Srividya classes, I was able to better understand HER....I had thought "Guruji calls HER as the AWARENESS"

   

Me: That thought during my Maha-deeksha at Kalki Bhagavan's Oneness University in May 2006.....When the padukas were placed on my head, I had a glimpse of Lord Shiva and Mt. Kailash ....But the thought "Why didn't I see Parvathy Devi?"......That thought was YOU wasn't it Lalithamba??.....That awareness that I didn't see YOU, that was YOU wasn't it??

SHE: Go on and accept what you thought at that time....

Me: Very clever of YOU Lalithamba.....YOU made me think that "Why didn't I see Parvathy Devi??..SHE must have gone out to save-the-world-or-something.....

I was beginning to realize one thing --- how much of my life was controlled by my fears......Fear of almost everything --- insects, bugs, cockroaches, dogs, cats, what-people-thought etc.....Back in June 2011, while breaking my Nirjala Ekadasi fast, I was surprised to see that there was a dog infront of our house......Not once in the 11 years that I've been in the USA, not once in the last 6 years that we live at our present house, did a stray dog EVER come to our house.....All those stories that I had read in Amar Chitra Katha, about Gods coming in the form of dogs to test a devotee came to mind....I wanted to give the dog some food & all that was available in the morning was the milk after doing the SHREEM BRZEE abhisekam to the Lakshmi Saligram....So, I poured some milk & opened the garage door to keep the bowl outside....The dog did try to come near me & I was frightened.....I thought "If it bites me, I'll have to have injections to couteract it's bite".....And I stepped away saying "I don't know who you are, but I am frightened of dogs...So, please forgive me for not recognising you."

I was reminded of the above dog incident a number of times and wondered which God it might have been....

SHE: Isn't it enough to know that it was BRAHMAN in the form of a dog?

Maybe it was indeed due to all the prayers & pujas that were done until now, but I was able to face-my-fears....One day, while dropping my son at his daycare, I noticed that there was a black cat sitting on the walkway leading to the entrance.....My normal reaction would have been to take a different route, but I decided to be brave and walk-past-the-cat.....I was scared too but my only hope was "This too is a form of BRAHMAN"....And the cat did nothing.....It just sat there minding-it's-own-business.....The next day, as if to test me again, there were 2 cats sitting on the walkway and all I did was close my eyes and chant BRAHMAN, BRAHMAN........My 3 year old son was braver than me & wanted to 'play with the cats' and all I could think of was "Are the cats vaccinated?....Are their nails clipped/cut??...If it scratches me, will I need an injection?".....FEAR in different forms, but FEAR nevertheless

After the frequent thoughts of BRAHMAN i.e after the Varahi puja done at Meppad Temple, I was able to atleast recognize that I have so many fears.....My only consolation - everything that I was scared of was BRAHMAN, including the pitch black darkness at night.....And I was searching for the practical experience of BRAHMAN....So, I told myself "I need to face my fears."

Sometime after Guruji came into my life, while reading some Srividya material, I read that Srividya was described as "Atmavidya, Brahmavidya"

Me: Brahmavidya? ...That story that I repeatedly read as a child, in Amar Chitra Katha - Vishwamitra, the fight between Sage Vasistha and Sage Vishwamitra over Viswamitra being acknowledged as a Brahmarishi......That was Brahmavidya......That is the same as Srividya???....If only I had known that both are the same, I would have never pursued Srividya.....Why??....Because that storybook was so fascinating and it made me wonder "How much of effort Vishwamitra had to put in....How much of penance he had to do..."

Very clever of you O Lalithamba..

Another thing that I observed during the online Srividya classes, was Guruji's behaviour towards us....He was so free, so casual and in one of the classes he actually apologized to someone when the student mentioned something about getting the (mis)information on the Devipuram website....That had such an impact on me....I thought "Guruji apologized.....Why?...Because that student said that something might have been misrepresented on the Devipuram website....If my Guru can be so humble, then why do I have a BIG FAT EGO??....If my Guru can apologize to people, why can't I??.....As is the Guru, so is the disciple."

Thereafter, my husband was a little surprised with my 'you do what you want' attitude...I had to learn to let-go of the little things in life, to let go of always wanting things to happen my way.....

My Husband: Are you ok??...Do you need to see a doctor or something?

Me: I'm just fine...And by the way, that 'list' that you were keeping track of, to see how many things have happened according to the way you wanted it, you may have to update that list !!!

  

Maybe Sri Bhaskararaya Makhi had indeed sat on my shoulders, but anytime, spiritually speaking, I was to think of doing any pujas or homas, I was reminded of my 'ashuddha bhakti'

Me: But I do say "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu" isn't it?...So it all goes to YOU anyway....

SHE: When you don't have anything specific to ask of ME, why do you want to invoke ME in fire/homa to tell ME to do MY job? Am I not doing what I want anyway ?

!!!!   

Me: But Lalithamba, it's 'my' part of the merit that I'm giving away.....My husband & son are still benefitted right?? It's upto YOU to make them also giveup their share of the merit...How many people think about the "cosmic account"?....Isn't everyone worried about their own "individual account" of merit & demerit?..... And if YOU didn't want me to consider those pujas or homas, why did YOU give me the thought?...Either way it's ALL YOUR doing.

Silence.

Sometime in September 2011, we again visited the St. Louis Hindu Temple and this time, I gave the priest there, a drawing of Srichakra that I had recently drawn....He was overjoyed to receive it, especially with Navarathri just a few weeks away...Also, we signedup for the Dattatreya abisekham to be done during the following weekday and I silently thanked HIM for all HIS blessings......Last December, when we had performed the Dattatreya abisekham, I really didn’t know very much about HIM........Now, HE was sitting right beside my Siddha Guru Swaprakasananda's photo...

It was also sometime during this month that I happened to buy the book Vasistha's Yoga and I had just started reading it.....It was all beginning to sound similar - BRAHMAN, AWARENESS, CONSCIOUSNESS......Different names, same thing.

I had thought "All that I know is the theory part - Aham Brahmasmi, Tat Tvamasi, I am THAT, I am not the body etc......What use is this theory when I haven't yet practically experienced any of it....If in academics, the score is 80% theory and 20% practicals, then in spirituality, it's almost the opposite, with 20% being theory and 80% practical experience.....Of that 20% theory, I know perhaps less than 0.1% "

SHE: {in Tamil} Therinjadhu kai alavu, theriyaadhadhu kadal alavu {English meaning - What you know you can fit into the palms of your hand, what you don't know is as vast as the ocean..}

Me: My favorite Tamil proverb....Isn't that something that I've always wondered about?....Lalithamba, what am I going to do with the 20% theory part when I am repeatedly, consistently failing the practical exam part?......Forget about the 20% theory part, no matter how much I know,

       

       What I know = fits in the palm of my hand and

       What I don't know = as vast as the ocean.

In that case, what's the use of the theory part??.......Unless one becomes the ocean itself.....Give me the 80% practical experience part...That's good enough for me...

Silence.

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu