My conversations with HER - Part 12

My conversations with HER - Part 12 – Written on 18th November 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

Happenings after Guruji came into my life - September 2011:

After Guruji came into my life, both before & during the online Srividya classes, I was able to better understand HER....I had thought "Guruji calls HER as the AWARENESS"

   

Me: That thought during my Maha-deeksha at Kalki Bhagavan's Oneness University in May 2006.....When the padukas were placed on my head, I had a glimpse of Lord Shiva and Mt. Kailash ....But the thought "Why didn't I see Parvathy Devi?"......That thought was YOU wasn't it Lalithamba??.....That awareness that I didn't see YOU, that was YOU wasn't it??

SHE: Go on and accept what you thought at that time....

Me: Very clever of YOU Lalithamba.....YOU made me think that "Why didn't I see Parvathy Devi??..SHE must have gone out to save-the-world-or-something.....

I was beginning to realize one thing --- how much of my life was controlled by my fears......Fear of almost everything --- insects, bugs, cockroaches, dogs, cats, what-people-thought etc.....Back in June 2011, while breaking my Nirjala Ekadasi fast, I was surprised to see that there was a dog infront of our house......Not once in the 11 years that I've been in the USA, not once in the last 6 years that we live at our present house, did a stray dog EVER come to our house.....All those stories that I had read in Amar Chitra Katha, about Gods coming in the form of dogs to test a devotee came to mind....I wanted to give the dog some food & all that was available in the morning was the milk after doing the SHREEM BRZEE abhisekam to the Lakshmi Saligram....So, I poured some milk & opened the garage door to keep the bowl outside....The dog did try to come near me & I was frightened.....I thought "If it bites me, I'll have to have injections to couteract it's bite".....And I stepped away saying "I don't know who you are, but I am frightened of dogs...So, please forgive me for not recognising you."

I was reminded of the above dog incident a number of times and wondered which God it might have been....

SHE: Isn't it enough to know that it was BRAHMAN in the form of a dog?

Maybe it was indeed due to all the prayers & pujas that were done until now, but I was able to face-my-fears....One day, while dropping my son at his daycare, I noticed that there was a black cat sitting on the walkway leading to the entrance.....My normal reaction would have been to take a different route, but I decided to be brave and walk-past-the-cat.....I was scared too but my only hope was "This too is a form of BRAHMAN"....And the cat did nothing.....It just sat there minding-it's-own-business.....The next day, as if to test me again, there were 2 cats sitting on the walkway and all I did was close my eyes and chant BRAHMAN, BRAHMAN........My 3 year old son was braver than me & wanted to 'play with the cats' and all I could think of was "Are the cats vaccinated?....Are their nails clipped/cut??...If it scratches me, will I need an injection?".....FEAR in different forms, but FEAR nevertheless

After the frequent thoughts of BRAHMAN i.e after the Varahi puja done at Meppad Temple, I was able to atleast recognize that I have so many fears.....My only consolation - everything that I was scared of was BRAHMAN, including the pitch black darkness at night.....And I was searching for the practical experience of BRAHMAN....So, I told myself "I need to face my fears."

Sometime after Guruji came into my life, while reading some Srividya material, I read that Srividya was described as "Atmavidya, Brahmavidya"

Me: Brahmavidya? ...That story that I repeatedly read as a child, in Amar Chitra Katha - Vishwamitra, the fight between Sage Vasistha and Sage Vishwamitra over Viswamitra being acknowledged as a Brahmarishi......That was Brahmavidya......That is the same as Srividya???....If only I had known that both are the same, I would have never pursued Srividya.....Why??....Because that storybook was so fascinating and it made me wonder "How much of effort Vishwamitra had to put in....How much of penance he had to do..."

Very clever of you O Lalithamba..

Another thing that I observed during the online Srividya classes, was Guruji's behaviour towards us....He was so free, so casual and in one of the classes he actually apologized to someone when the student mentioned something about getting the (mis)information on the Devipuram website....That had such an impact on me....I thought "Guruji apologized.....Why?...Because that student said that something might have been misrepresented on the Devipuram website....If my Guru can be so humble, then why do I have a BIG FAT EGO??....If my Guru can apologize to people, why can't I??.....As is the Guru, so is the disciple."

Thereafter, my husband was a little surprised with my 'you do what you want' attitude...I had to learn to let-go of the little things in life, to let go of always wanting things to happen my way.....

My Husband: Are you ok??...Do you need to see a doctor or something?

Me: I'm just fine...And by the way, that 'list' that you were keeping track of, to see how many things have happened according to the way you wanted it, you may have to update that list !!!

  

Maybe Sri Bhaskararaya Makhi had indeed sat on my shoulders, but anytime, spiritually speaking, I was to think of doing any pujas or homas, I was reminded of my 'ashuddha bhakti'

Me: But I do say "Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu" isn't it?...So it all goes to YOU anyway....

SHE: When you don't have anything specific to ask of ME, why do you want to invoke ME in fire/homa to tell ME to do MY job? Am I not doing what I want anyway ?

!!!!   

Me: But Lalithamba, it's 'my' part of the merit that I'm giving away.....My husband & son are still benefitted right?? It's upto YOU to make them also giveup their share of the merit...How many people think about the "cosmic account"?....Isn't everyone worried about their own "individual account" of merit & demerit?..... And if YOU didn't want me to consider those pujas or homas, why did YOU give me the thought?...Either way it's ALL YOUR doing.

Silence.

Sometime in September 2011, we again visited the St. Louis Hindu Temple and this time, I gave the priest there, a drawing of Srichakra that I had recently drawn....He was overjoyed to receive it, especially with Navarathri just a few weeks away...Also, we signedup for the Dattatreya abisekham to be done during the following weekday and I silently thanked HIM for all HIS blessings......Last December, when we had performed the Dattatreya abisekham, I really didn’t know very much about HIM........Now, HE was sitting right beside my Siddha Guru Swaprakasananda's photo...

It was also sometime during this month that I happened to buy the book Vasistha's Yoga and I had just started reading it.....It was all beginning to sound similar - BRAHMAN, AWARENESS, CONSCIOUSNESS......Different names, same thing.

I had thought "All that I know is the theory part - Aham Brahmasmi, Tat Tvamasi, I am THAT, I am not the body etc......What use is this theory when I haven't yet practically experienced any of it....If in academics, the score is 80% theory and 20% practicals, then in spirituality, it's almost the opposite, with 20% being theory and 80% practical experience.....Of that 20% theory, I know perhaps less than 0.1% "

SHE: {in Tamil} Therinjadhu kai alavu, theriyaadhadhu kadal alavu {English meaning - What you know you can fit into the palms of your hand, what you don't know is as vast as the ocean..}

Me: My favorite Tamil proverb....Isn't that something that I've always wondered about?....Lalithamba, what am I going to do with the 20% theory part when I am repeatedly, consistently failing the practical exam part?......Forget about the 20% theory part, no matter how much I know,

       

       What I know = fits in the palm of my hand and

       What I don't know = as vast as the ocean.

In that case, what's the use of the theory part??.......Unless one becomes the ocean itself.....Give me the 80% practical experience part...That's good enough for me...

Silence.

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

My conversations with HER - Part 5

My conversations with HER - Part 5 – Written on 3rd November 2011

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

The Happenings in September 2011:

4th September 2011 - Basic 5.1 of the Online Srividya class offered by Devipuram

Guruji taught us the MahaGanapathy mantra and tarpana method and on 6th September I started doing the MahaGanapathy tarpana.....The tarpana audio mp3 file was the same one that I had come across a few months ago at the old Devipuram website....One day while at work, as I was browsing that website, I had an urge to do the MahaGanapathy tarpana & so I just took off my footwear & listened to the audio...At the end of it, I told Ganapathy " I know that YOU are somewhere in my body....Whenever YOU are, I offer the merit of listening to the MahaGanapathy tarpana all back to YOU"

As I started doing the MahaGanapathy tarpanam, at the end of it, in addition to saying "Aayur arogyam aishwaryam balam pushtihi mahadyashaha kavitvam bhukti muktee cha chaturavrutti tarpanaat", I would say, " Whatever is the merit of doing the MahaGanapathy tarpanam, I give it all back to YOU O BRAHMAN in the form of MahaGanapathy"

SHE: If you keep offering all the merits back to the GODS, don't you want anything for yourself?

Me: What's the use Lalithamba? What am I going to do with it? What difference does it make if I'm bound by a lead chain {paapam, sin} or a gold chain { punyam,merit}...I will still be bound...The heavens or hells, both are temporary and I don't want either of them. Remember that video of Nirvana Shatikam of Adi Shankaracharya that you brought into my life? I had looked for it's meaning in english and learnt that Shankaracharya had said  that HE was neither the punyam nor the papam and if HE said that, it's good enough for me...

SHE: Don't you want ME?

Me: Very clever of YOU O Lalithamba... Are YOU testing me? When my destination is BRAHMAN, aren't YOU "automatically covered"?? Aren't YOU automatically included? But if my destination is  YOU, then I may not get BRAHMAN, do I?.... I don't want to get attached to the notion that "I am a Srividya Upasaka, I have earned a lot of merit"....All that is only going to make my ego swell and  I have a big enough ego already......Please Lalithamba, no more tests, don't test me anymore....I've failed enough  lifetimes....No more.

Silence.

{As I type the above, I wonder why did I even do all those actions if I didn't want the merit??....At that time, this question didn't come...I was already confused enough..Maybe SHE knew just the right questions to ask so that I was not totally confused.}

Before I go on, I need to share the happenings in June & July 2011 to put things in perspective. I realize that I may not remember all the happenings but will write it down as I'm reminded about them.

The happenings in June 2011:

Since June 2010, I was regularly observing the Ekadasi fast....In June 2011, before every Ekadasi, like I usually do, I read up on the benefits of observing the upcoming Nirjala Ekadasi....As I read it, when I read the sentence that said, I quote:

"Furthermore, O best of beings, any man or woman who observes this fast properly and worships the Supreme Lord Jalaśāyī (He who sleeps on the water), and who on the next day satisfies a qualified brāhmaṇa with nice sweets and a donation of cows and money - such a person certainly pleases the Supreme Lord Vāsudeva, so much so that one hundred previous generations in his family undoubtedly go to the Supreme Lord's abode"

I thought " A 100 previous generations?"

I was already doing daily pitru & karunya tarpanam since March 2011....At first I was offering it to the previous 21 generations of my forefathers, then I had read somewhere on Dr. Pillai's website { I can't find the exact link now, but it was there somewhere on Dr. Pillai's website} that all that one experiences in this lifetime is due to the blessings or displeasure of the previous 64 generations of one's forefathers... And I thought, " Previous 64 generations?....Ok, hereafter, I'll include upto last 64 generations of my forefathers when doing pitru tarpanam...If that's what my Agastiar {Dr Pillai} tells me, it's good enough for me."

And now, the benefits of Nirjala Ekadasi talks about uplifting the previous 100 generations....How many previous generations of forefathers are there???

I observed the Nirjala Ekadasi fast and while breaking-my-fast the next morning, like I usually do, I gave the merits of observing the Ekadasi fast all back to Narayana and ended it with " Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu"....But the question remained...How many previous generations of forefathers are there???

{ As I type this:
SHE: Mention the 'qualified brahmana' part too, to whom you offered the prasadam the next day.

Me: Whenever, whatever Ekadasi fast talks about breaking-the-fast the next day with offerings to ''a qualified brahmana", initially I had  thought "Where am I going to find a brahmana, let alone "a qualified brahmana" at the place where I live in USA?".....So, I said "Narayana, I'm unable to find "a qualified brahmana" at the place where I live as there is no Indian community around. So, who else could be the PERFECTLY QUALIFIED BRAHMANA other than YOU?"....And I would place this photo of Guruvayoorappan which I had in my pooja altar and offer the prasadam to HIM...Offering items in donation like silver,cows & gold??.....I imagined that I gave HIM lots of it...Didn't I read somewhere that if one wears a 11 mukhi rudhraksha bead and for some reason is not able to practically do certain items, if one merely imagines as if the work has been done, it is equivalent to doing it.}


That morning, as I did my daily pitru & karunya tarpanam { I don't do the tarpanams on Ekadasi...Why? Because 'something' told me that "Let my forefathers and 'karunya tarpanam members' also observe the ekadasi fast with me."} I "updated" my offerings to include ALL my forefathers from the "beginningless beginning of time"......I didn't want to leave out anyone...

How do I do my daily tarpanams?? This is how, using video 1  and video 2 {that someone from the Pillaicenter group had emailed me} as reference and multi-lingual languages of Tamil when addressing my forefathers, Telugu when addressing my husband's forefathers and English/Tamil for the karunya tarpanams.

Before I start my tarpanams:

I wear all of my rudhrakshas and invoke the guidance of all GODS... I say:

2 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Arthanareswara
3 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Agni deva
4 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Brahma deva
5 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Lord Shiva
6 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Muruga, Karthikeya
7 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Goddess Mahalakshmi, Sapta Rishis [ Seven Eternal Sages], Sapta Naga Devargal [Seven Serpant Gods], Sapta Maatrikas [ Seven MOTHERS] { I realized that the 7 mukhi rudhraksha also represents the Seven MOTHERS while researching about what "varahi kola mukhi pooja" meant...Until Arjunaacharya of Meppad temple mentioned Varahi's name in June 2011, I had no idea who THAT was....And I had been wearing the 7 mukhi bead since November 2010 !!!}
8 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Lord Ganesha
9 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Goddess Durga
10 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Lord Vishnu, Lord Narayana
11 mukhi rudhraksha representing  - Lord Hanuman, The 11th form of Lord Rudra
12 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Surya deva
13 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Indra deva and Kama deva
14 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Lord Shiva
16 mukhi rudhraksha representing  - Maha Mrityunjaya form of Lord Shiva
17 mukhi rudhraksha representing - Katyani devi, the 6th form of Goddess Durga and Viswakarma
The Lakshi Saligram infront of whom I am to do the tarpanam {I had read somewhere that if one does tarpanam infront of a Saligram, it greatly benefits one's forefathers} and
BRAHMAN

With YOU ALL as my WITNESS I begin to do my pitru & karunya tarpanam. I don't know the puja methods or slokas to be chanted...I don't know the Sanskrit verses to be chanted, but surely YOU ALL know it.....Surely YOU ALL know the exact lokas or places where these souls reside.....Please let the benefits of this pitru tarpanam and karunya tarpanam reach these souls.....I don't know the 'names and addresses' of all these people [ Meaning: names of ALL previous generations of forefathers and the gotras of 'karunya tarpanam members'] but surely YOU ALL know it......Just as I trust "an instrument called GPS" in my car for it to safely take me to my destination { GPS widely used here in the USA}, BRAHMAN, you are the GPS I trust to safely take these tarpanam offerings to these souls.... Surely BRAHMAN, YOU know all languages and not just Sanskrit...Please help these souls merge into YOU.

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu - Whatever I'm going to do, I offer it all to BRAHMAN

Pitru tarpanam: {My parents are alive, so I omit their names}

As I sit facing the south direction, with my left leg's knee touching the ground {and not the right leg's knee}, I place the rice, white sesame seeds, darba grass, water and an one-cent coin in my hand and say & invoke

All pitrus on my father's side of the family

Father's parents :

XXX Grandfather and ALL pitrus on his side of the family starting from the "beginningless beginning of time", if ANY one of you have not "made it", please accept this pitru tarpanam and go INTO LIGHT and as you GO INTO LIGHT, please bless me & my family and also bless me so that I too may merge INTO LIGHT.

XXX Grandmother and ALL pitrus on her side of the family starting from the "beginningless beginning of time", if ANY one of you have not "made it", please accept this pitru tarpanam and go INTO LIGHT and as you GO INTO LIGHT, please bless me & my family and also bless me so that I too may merge INTO LIGHT.

{There was a time when I mentioned, by name, the last 3 generations of forefathers, but the above was 'the current version' of my pitru tharpanam offerings to include ALL of my forefathers}

I pour out the items in my hand to fall between the right hand index finger and thumb onto the plate below.


All pitrus on my mother's side of the family

Mother's parents: Same as above

Karunya tarpanam: {current version as of October 2011. The karunya tarpanam member's list keeps getting longer}

• All pitrus on my husband's side of the family { My in-laws are alive, so I omit their names} 

ALL pitrus on my father-in-law's side of the family starting from the "beginningless beginning of time", if ANY one of you have not "made it", please accept this karunya tarpanam and go INTO LIGHT and as you GO INTO LIGHT, please bless me & my family and also bless me so that I too may merge INTO LIGHT.

ALL pitrus on my mother-in-law's side of the family starting from the "beginningless beginning of time", if ANY one of you have not "made it", please accept this karunya tarpanam and go INTO LIGHT and as you GO INTO LIGHT, please bless me & my family and also bless me so that I too may merge INTO LIGHT.

{There was a time when I mentioned, by name, the last 3 generations of forefathers, but the above was 'current version' of my karunya tarpanam offerings to include ALL of my husband's forefathers}

• I mention the names of my college friends, cousins & neighbors who are no-more.
• My father's siblings, my mother's siblings, my father-in-law's siblings & my mother-in-law's siblings, if ANY one of you have not "made it", please accept this karunya tarpanam and go INTO LIGHT and as you GO INTO LIGHT, please bless me & my family and also bless me so that I too may merge INTO LIGHT.
• All those plants that gave up their life {e.g fruits, vegetables, grains etc} so that I may live, please accept this karunya tarpanam and go INTO LIGHT and as you GO INTO LIGHT, please bless me & my family and also bless me so that I too may merge INTO LIGHT.
• Whatever I did in the previous lifetimes to deserve the Naga dosham {someone said that I had it}, to deserve the Kaala Sarpa Yogam {someone said that I had it} and whatever I did to deserve the 'fault' of me being unable to conceive again, all those souls, please forgive me and please accept this karunya tarpanam and go INTO LIGHT and as you GO INTO LIGHT, please bless me & my family and also bless me so that I too may merge INTO LIGHT.
• Any forms of BRAHMAN that were related to me in the many previous lifetimes, any kind of relations - father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, son, daughter, husband, wife, uncle, aunt, son-in-law, daughter-in-law, grandson, granddaughter, friend, neighbor, guru, disciple etc - please accept this karunya tarpanam and go INTO LIGHT and as you GO INTO LIGHT, please bless me & my family and also bless me so that I too may merge INTO LIGHT.
• Uncle Pai – Editor of Amar Chitra Katha storybook….I have benefited a lot by your storybooks….So, even though you passed-away recently in February 2011 and it’s not yet been one year since you died, I still offer this karunya tarpanam to you….. Please accept this karunya tarpanam and go INTO LIGHT and as you GO INTO LIGHT, please bless me & my family and also bless me so that I too may merge INTO LIGHT.
• All those souls who have no one to offer tarpanam to them, please accept this karunya tarpanam and go INTO LIGHT and as you GO INTO LIGHT, please bless me & my family and also bless me so that I too may merge INTO LIGHT.
• All those souls who have family members but whose family members do not offer tarpanam to them, please accept this karunya tarpanam and go INTO LIGHT and as you GO INTO LIGHT, please bless me & my family and also bless me so that I too may merge INTO LIGHT.
• Incase I have forgotten someone, ANY forms of BRAHMAN, ALL forms of BRAHMAN in the 14 worlds, whoever you are, where-ever you are in the 14 worlds, please accept this karunya tarpanam and go INTO LIGHT...Realize that YOU ARE THAT ---- TAT TVAM ASI, you are THE ONE that you have been seeking..... And as you GO INTO LIGHT, please bless me & my family and also bless me so that I too may merge INTO LIGHT, so that I too may realize and practically experience BRAHMAN {this item added after I met Guruji online}

An inner voice: {Yes, there was commentary even as I was doing the tarpanam} Are you offering tarpanam to ALL in the 14 worlds?....Don't you know that the demons and rakshasas live in the regions below the earth??

Me: If my "final destination" is BRAHMAN, if the highest truth is that ALL IS ONE, then what does it matter who it is...All are the same....Didn't I read Guruji's words somewhere {I'm unable to find the link now Guruji, but it was a word document} that one can invoke all the goodness in the world into oneself or all the bad things in the world into oneself??... Now, during the online class, didn't someone ask Guruji about the location of chakras in animals and what did Guruji reply? Didn't he say that in monkeys there are 7 chakras in it's tail and in humans all those 7 lower chakras have been compressed to merge into the base Mooladhara chakra? I take it to mean that the 7 worlds below Earth are representative of the 7 chakras which are merged into the mooladhara chakra in humans...I don't know if I understood it right & if I misunderstood it, then it's YOUR fault BRAHMAN....On another note, don't the Upanishads say that "the microsome is a reflection of the macrosome"? If that is the case, then all the goodness and bad qualities that's OUT THERE is in me too.....And what are those demons and rakshasas if not the anger, pride, ego, jealously etc in me? No more fear Lalithamba...I've lived in fear enough....No more fear...Didn't that website say that before starting the practise of tantra, a student must ask himself/herself and I quote:

"Am I capable of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE?"

This is the ONLY form of "Unconditional love" that I am capable of Lalithamba --- to offer Karunya tarpanam to ALL forms of BRAHMAN in the 14 worlds......Moreover, I've offered whatever I'm going to do all to BRAHMAN....IT is responsible for all my actions....I did nothing.

  

And I said, "I repeat, ANY forms of BRAHMAN, ALL forms of BRAHMAN in the 14 worlds, whoever you are, where-ever you are in the 14 worlds, please accept this karunya tarpanam and go INTO LIGHT... Realize that YOU ARE THAT - TAT TVAM ASI, you are THE ONE that you have been seeking..... And as you GO INTO LIGHT, please bless me & my family and also bless me so that I too may merge INTO LIGHT, so that I too may realize and practically experience BRAHMAN...If there is such a thing as heaven and hell, may it be empty as all its occupants are ONE WITH LIGHT, whose occupants are IT.

I pour out the items in my hand to fall between the right hand index finger and thumb onto the plate below.

And I end the tarpanam by saying:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu - Whatever I've done so far, whatever is the merit obtained by doing the pitru and karunya tarpanam, I offer it all to BRAHMAN.

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu.