My conversations with HER - Part 10 - Written on 14th November 2011:
Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu
(cont)....."Blessed" July 2011:
I was to later learn that the reason SHE wanted me to stay back at home was because all SHE wanted, was for me to "mentally renounce my attachments" to my family.....I would later think "That thing that Bhagavat Gita talks about - One who see action in inaction and inaction in action, That's what YOU were trying to teach me, wasn't it Lalithamba?"
Since it was now proved that I did indeed have a big ego, I did go & apologize to my husband.....I did tell him "You said I could do whatever I wanted with my salary"......And he said "Why do you not remember the other part of that sentence?? .....If you were brave enough to do as you please, you must have been ready to walk out as well......What's stopping you from doing that??".......The best answer to that question, at that time???...SILENCE.
The repercussions were not as severe as I had imagined or feared it to be......I thought "Maybe SHE has indeed taken responsibility for my actions"
The other thing that I had done was to sign my husband and I for the Morning Fire labs {Homas} at the San Diego Pillai retreat center for the whole month of July......This was a morning homam that I had been calling-in to listen to, since Christmas 2010.....That 40 minutes in the morning was the best part of the day......It's really amazing that foreigners/Americans could be so devoted to Vedic practices...
Also while randomly browsing about Srividya, I had found the Sri Rajarajeswari Peetham website at Rush, New York....While looking at the Guru Lineage I noticed that it had Guruji's name and I thought "Guruji seems to be following me these days.....Or am I following him??...Didn't the Meppad temple guru lineage also mention Guruji's name?? "
At the Sri Rajarajeswari temple in New York, there was to be a Chandi homam in July and my family participated in that as well.....While again re-reading this website:
An inner voice: Do you not recognize this temple??
(cont)....."Blessed" July 2011:
I was to later learn that the reason SHE wanted me to stay back at home was because all SHE wanted, was for me to "mentally renounce my attachments" to my family.....I would later think "That thing that Bhagavat Gita talks about - One who see action in inaction and inaction in action, That's what YOU were trying to teach me, wasn't it Lalithamba?"
Since it was now proved that I did indeed have a big ego, I did go & apologize to my husband.....I did tell him "You said I could do whatever I wanted with my salary"......And he said "Why do you not remember the other part of that sentence?? .....If you were brave enough to do as you please, you must have been ready to walk out as well......What's stopping you from doing that??".......The best answer to that question, at that time???...SILENCE.
The repercussions were not as severe as I had imagined or feared it to be......I thought "Maybe SHE has indeed taken responsibility for my actions"
The other thing that I had done was to sign my husband and I for the Morning Fire labs {Homas} at the San Diego Pillai retreat center for the whole month of July......This was a morning homam that I had been calling-in to listen to, since Christmas 2010.....That 40 minutes in the morning was the best part of the day......It's really amazing that foreigners/Americans could be so devoted to Vedic practices...
Also while randomly browsing about Srividya, I had found the Sri Rajarajeswari Peetham website at Rush, New York....While looking at the Guru Lineage I noticed that it had Guruji's name and I thought "Guruji seems to be following me these days.....Or am I following him??...Didn't the Meppad temple guru lineage also mention Guruji's name?? "
At the Sri Rajarajeswari temple in New York, there was to be a Chandi homam in July and my family participated in that as well.....While again re-reading this website:
An inner voice: Do you not recognize this temple??
Me: Could this be the same temple?? In July 2007, didn't we stop at this temple on our way back from Niagara Falls?? It was almost noon and the temple was empty....We prayed for a few minutes and I really liked HER idol at this temple....While reading the notice-board at the temple, I had read that the main priest of the temple was from Srilanka and I had thought "Oh...I thought this was an Indian temple.....What a coincidence that they have the same forms of Gods in Srilanka too"
I didn't know anything better about the background of the temple.
Guru Poornima - July 2011:
This was the first Guru Poornima that I remember.....Last year, this was just-another-day & I didn't know the significance of this day....However this year, I wanted to thank Sage Veda Vyasa but didn't know how.....So, I did the only thing that I could think of.....That day, while performing the 'Karunya tharpanam', at the end of it, I also offered Karunya tharpanam to Sage Veda Vyasa and any gurus that I may have had in the previous lifetimes.....I had said " I don't know how else to thank you Sage Veda Vyasa & any gurus that I may have had in the past."......I had told Sage Vyasa "You had mentioned in the Krishna Bhagavatham that every person born is automatically indebted to 3 people - pitrus, rishis and gods.....I'm repaying my debts to the pitrus but don't know how to repay my debts to the other 2 categories of people.......You know, in this 21st century, whenever you go to a bank & take a home loan, they give you a "repayment plan".....It's not fair that you just say that one is indebted to these people without giving a "repayment option" to fully repay the debt { The Krishna Bhagavatham book I had read mentioned that you repay pitrus by begetting a son, repay rishis by reading the scriptures and repay gods by performing homas.......Atleast that's what I remembered}........So, until I learn how to properly do the 'guru tharpanam' and 'deva tharpanam', I offer Karunya tharpanam to you today.......Please forgive my ignorance for not knowing how to thank you properly and please accept this karunya tharpanam......And by the way, could you please soon send me my Guru ??"
That whole day, I was paranoid if something "bad" would happen.....Why??....You see, I had just changed a whole category of tharpanam......I had offered Veda Vyasa tharpanam in the 'karunya tharpanam' category.....Whenever the fear came that I have made a mistake, I said "I didn't do anything.....Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu"
Also, on this day, was when Arjunaacharya mentioned that the pooja will be started at the Meppad temple in Kerala....
I had thought "Where are you my Guru??.....How much longer should I wait??..." I had read that the bond between a Guru & disciple is age-old and continues lifetime after lifetime.....I had thought "Are you thinking of me, my Guru??...Are you as eager to meet me, as I am to meet you??"
Arjunaacharya's Om Shivoham ring-tone and it's TSUNAMI effect:
How could a person do so much by doing so little??.....Answer: By having the perfect cell phone ring tone !!!
When I had first telephoned Arjunaacharya, I was startled by his cell phone ring tone.....It was the first time I listened to the Om Shivoham song from the Tamil movie "Naan Kadavul"....There was something magical about the song....A few weeks later, when I called him back, I was actually praying that he not answer his phone.....Why???....I wanted to listen to his ring-tone and needed a reason to call him back again....I don't know if Arjunaacharya remembers it, but I called him twice on that day....And this time, I noted down the words of the song....Why??...So that I could 'google' it....
The first link that I found was some Vijav TV show and as soon as the singer Vijay Prakash started singing, all that I could think of was the singer in King Akbar's court --Tansen.....I remembered reading somewhere that Tansen could make the leaves of a tree fall down by just singing in the appropriate raga.....Vijay Prakash's voice was a voice fit to sing for Lord Shiva.....More googling followed, which finally lead me to the Om Shivoham song .....Maybe it was because of the headphones or maybe it was something else, but that song went right into my soul --- and shook it up......Now, how can something as simple as a song have that kind of an effect on you??....I must have spent a few hours listening to that song...
I was also reminded of aacharya's note on Facebook that spoke about an upasaka's comment after listening to a music performance that "listening to a mature music performance was equal to performing a Srichakra puja"......Since I knew neither {music nor Srividya} I had mentioned that the next time I listen to 'a music' that moves me, maybe I would think "That's what that upasaka meant".....So I emailed the song to aacharya and to make a long story short, I learnt 3 things from that email chain
How could a person do so much by doing so little??.....Answer: By having the perfect cell phone ring tone !!!
When I had first telephoned Arjunaacharya, I was startled by his cell phone ring tone.....It was the first time I listened to the Om Shivoham song from the Tamil movie "Naan Kadavul"....There was something magical about the song....A few weeks later, when I called him back, I was actually praying that he not answer his phone.....Why???....I wanted to listen to his ring-tone and needed a reason to call him back again....I don't know if Arjunaacharya remembers it, but I called him twice on that day....And this time, I noted down the words of the song....Why??...So that I could 'google' it....
The first link that I found was some Vijav TV show and as soon as the singer Vijay Prakash started singing, all that I could think of was the singer in King Akbar's court --Tansen.....I remembered reading somewhere that Tansen could make the leaves of a tree fall down by just singing in the appropriate raga.....Vijay Prakash's voice was a voice fit to sing for Lord Shiva.....More googling followed, which finally lead me to the Om Shivoham song .....Maybe it was because of the headphones or maybe it was something else, but that song went right into my soul --- and shook it up......Now, how can something as simple as a song have that kind of an effect on you??....I must have spent a few hours listening to that song...
I was also reminded of aacharya's note on Facebook that spoke about an upasaka's comment after listening to a music performance that "listening to a mature music performance was equal to performing a Srichakra puja"......Since I knew neither {music nor Srividya} I had mentioned that the next time I listen to 'a music' that moves me, maybe I would think "That's what that upasaka meant".....So I emailed the song to aacharya and to make a long story short, I learnt 3 things from that email chain
- Aacharya was a 5th generation direct disciple of Sri Bhaskararaya Makhi.....Who was this Sri Bhaskararaya Makhi?? I had no idea.
- I still had an ego
- I found my "Viswakarma"......One of my 3 conditions on my "giving-something-back-to-the-society" project
First, I had to see what the movie "Naan Kadavul" was all about...And I did....And what an excellent movie it is!!!.....There were 2 Sanskrit dialogues in the movie that plunged right into my soul......I had no clue what they meant....I found it on youtube and wondered if aacharya could help me understand what the dialogues meant....So, I sent him the link to those scenes....And there was no response and I couldn't find the meaning online too.....I had asked HER "Did YOU ask aacharya not to respond???....YOU must have, if he isn't answering......Why did YOU do that??....He is the only guy who I know, who knows Sanskrit and YOU asked him not to respond...Well, GOD helps those who help themselves right??....If noone is going to help me, I'll help myself....I give myself some credit, I must have known Sanskrit in atleast one of my many previous lifetimes......And I know that because these dialogues have such an impact on me".....And I watched those scenes, again and again and again......I wrote down word by word the initial Sanskrit verses:
"Janma karma ca me divyam, evam yo vetti tattvatah, tyaktva deham punar janma
Satya Prabavam, Divya Prakasham, Mantra Swaroopam, Nishkalamkoham, Nijapoorna bodham, Gatya Gadmaham, Nitya Brahmoham, Satya Pramanam, Moola Prameyam, Ayam Brahmasmi, Aham Brahmsami "
The first line I found in Bhagavat Gita, Chapter 4 - text 9....The rest of it, all I understood at first was "...........All that is BRAHMAN, I am BRAHMAN"....And I had thought "I know that.....I know all that is BRAHMAN & I am BRAHMAN, but what I don't know is WHAT is BRAHMAN??".....How is it that IT is present in all??...How can one be present in opposites like fire & water, earth & sky, air and rain??...And why are the Gods helpless without BRAHMAN....The first time I read about BRAHMAN was perhaps when I was still in school, maybe when I was around 10 years old.....My father had brought us the Amar chitra katha -Tales from upanishads storybook and my first thought was "How can Amar chitra katha make such a spelling mistake...Shouldn't it be "brahmin" instead of "BRAHMAN"??......Well, the stories in the book had nothing to do with "brahmin" and the 1st seed of curiosity was then planted.....What is this BRAHMAN???
The movie Naan Kadavul also spoke about how one doesn't take rebirth if a "particular group of aghori" bless your burning corpse....It did feel scary and made me think "Why am I watching these kind of movies??" .....And then I thought "If I'm searching for the Higher Truth and if BRAHMAN is that highest truth, then I must be comfortable enough atleast watching these scenes.....These aghoris too are forms of BRAHMAN....Their path too is, one way to reach the Higher Truth, even though it may not be my path..."
July 2006 Kadambari magazine:
The main thing that initially attracted me to Srividya was the mention that inorder for a person to be initiated into tantra, it must be his/her last incarnation on earth or if a person gets initiated, it becomes his/her last birth...And while researching about Srividya, I had found the 2006 July Kadambari magazine on scribd and while reading it, on page 45 of the magazine, I quote:
"Anakapalle Gurugaru, Guruji’s Guru – an avadhoota, an adept in 42 of 64 tantras – said of Guruji in one of his speeches that for his tapas on brahma jnana, he should have been in samadhi forever – but because of Devi’s will, He came to build this temple at Devipuram"
It was an excellent article, only that on reading the above line, the 'castle-of-hopes-on-moksha' that I had built up, CAME CRASHING DOWN.....I said to myself "If someone like Guru Amritananda, irrespective of his tapas, had to come to earth because of HER WILL, then what about an ignorant person like me??.....So, isn't 'moksha' permanent?....Is 'moksha' also temporary??"......It was a very disturbing thought and very very deep....For a while, I lost all interest in spirituality...What was I pursuing??? For what??? When it is all HER will, what does it matter if I'm enlightened or an ignorant fool??.....And then the thoughts-in-my-head go:
- Do you still want SriVidya?
- If I say no, it means that I wanted SriVidya only because of 'moksha' and now that I know that there are no 'guarantees', I'm backing out, which means that I'm selfish....and which means that no matter how 'pure' it sounds, 'moksha' was still like a business-agreement with HER....Like me saying 'conditions apply' to HER, to get HER vidya........
- If I say yes, it means that I go through all those 'protocols' and 'work' and in the end, I may still have to come back to earth if it's HER will.....
- Can't I have them both??? SriVidya & moksha??
- Well, if Guru Amritananda irrespective of his tapas, had to come to earth because of HER will, what chance do I stand??
And so, continued the back and forth thoughts and I couldn't, with 100% conviction say that I wanted SriVidya....It was like I was in 'Trishanku swarga'...Neither here nor there....I couldn't say with 100% conviction that I wanted it nor that I didn't want it....
An answer through Sri Bhaskararaya Makhi:
I didn't know who this was and so googled info about the Guru of aacharya.......It took me to this website and one thing that really awed me was the mention that Lalithamba was seated on Sri Bhaskararaya makhi's shoulders & hence it was impossible to defeat him in spiritual debates........I had wondered "How did you get HER to do that??.....SHE doesn't seem to hear my prayers, how did you get HER to sit on your shoulders??"......I had told Sri Bhaskararaya Makhi, "You know if God doesn't hear someone's prayers, I've read that the next best thing to do is approach God's devotees because God can never refuse the request of a sincere devotee.....You had somehow got HER to sit on your shoulder....SHE doesn't seem to hear my prayers, so if you don't mind, can you please sit on my shoulder??......You know if A = B and B = C, then A = C right??......If you sit on my shoulder, then it means that indirectly SHE is sitting on my shoulder.....Won't you please do that??"
While reading further on the same website on reading the the 2nd lakShaNas listed, it answered the deep question that had been bothering me for so long....I quote from the above site
"Prema which involves a desire of any kind cannot be bhakti. Many worship the Lord for various desires and some for mokSha or salvation. shAstra rejects both these attitudes as ashuddha bhakti. A true bhakta showers prema on the Lord without any desire, be it bhukti or mukti...Till the ghost of desire for bhukti and mukti lingers in one's heart, how can true premarUpI bhakti arise?.. Moreover, mokSha kAmi is the greatest of kAmi-s."
It was then that I realized that my bhakti, no matter how 'pure' it sounded to me, was still an ashuddha bhakti.
I thought I would email Arjunaacharya & change my sankalpa for the upcoming Varahi Kola Mukhi puja and Mahalakshmi puja but then I thought it would be easier if I told HER directly...So, I said " Please just cancel all that I had written in my sankalpa.... I don’t want anything from YOU - neither a desire for a daughter nor a desire for ‘moksha’....Now, what do you want me to do?? If Srividya is YOUR vidya and YOU choose who gets it, what role do I have to play??” ....And that day on 2nd August 2011, before I left work, I casually visited the Devipuram website and under “Latest from the Guru” section, it said “Sri Vidya online course – Basic Level”……….And I cried..
4th August 2011 was when I received an email from Guruji with guidelines on how to signup for the class....I was overjoyed to finally find HIM.....Find my GURU...Then something caught my attention in Guruji's email...He had mentioned that he will be teaching about the Kaula maarga of Srividya.....I had thought " Is that what I think it is??.....The websites that I had read, did it not mention that the Kaula maarga or the left hand path of Srividya also uses the 5 M's....There was just one M that I was terrified about --- Maithuna....I had wondered "What is this 5 M thing??...I thought all that was needed was to chant a few prayers, show a few mudras and then BOOM you are enlightened.." {Sorry Guruji, but it was all HER doing...All HER thinking }...And then the thoughts in my head go:
I've already lost one chance at Srividya when due to ignorance, I didn't recognize the offer of Srividya initiation from the Meppad Temple...Should I miss this chance too??...They say opportunity knocks once but I'm blessed to have come in contact with Guruji..
So, I told HER " I don't want to again let my fears and ignorance get the better of me....I don't know anything about YOUR vidya....So, if that 5th M is maithuna indeed, then YOU need to find me a loophole....Didn't I read on that website that Adi Shankaracharya had used his yogic powers to enter into the body of that king to answer the questions raised by Ubhayabharati ??.....Do something like that to me too....Maybe I will be in a coma for a month or something...I don't know...Just find me a loophole....YOU are the expert in finding loopholes isn't it??.....How many stories have I read that talks about people asking Gods for boons, only for YOU to find a loophole in them --- Mahabali, Hiranyakashipu, Markendeya, Savitri { and Satyavaan}, Shishupala etc....Do something, anything and find me a loophole..It's YOUR problem how YOU do it..."
{As I type this now I wonder, when I had told HER that I won’t ask HER for anything, why did I ask HER to find me a loophole?.....Simple answer – At that time, this question didn’t come.}
Guruji, I remember very well, the very first online class and your first words to us....You had said "Hi friends"....I was on "cloud 9" the whole day...I had thought "Guruji said I was his friend......His friend" and I thought " You know what Guruji, you are not just my friend, you are my BEST FRIEND....People who say kundalini cannot rise in a single day have not met you Guruji"......Those 2 words were enough to take the kundalini right upto a few inches above the Sahasrara chakra and all my fears about "a strict Guru" were vaporized, and why not Guruji, when you are my BEST FRIEND??
All your talks, your words, your simple nature, your 'innocent' attitude was enough to make me realize that you are a Brahmarishi....Only someone who is ONE with IT can be so humble, so free, so friendly with everyone.....Guruji, it has taken me several years to find You, but every single micro-second of it was worth the wait, was worth it for me to meet You and have You in my life......I have thanked Siddha Guru Swaprakasananda a number of times......Why??......For giving you the PERFECT name --Amritananada.....Amrita = nectar; Ananda = bliss......Not just any bliss, but the bliss of the nectar of immortality......My savior, my best friend, my Guru Sri Amritananda
Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu.