My conversations with HER - Part 15

My conversations with HER - Part 15   – Written on 22nd November 2011:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

The month of September was almost coming to an end and the Navarathri festival was about to begin.....I thought "Last Navarathri was when the whole 'researching about Srichakra' started when I didn't know what the Srichakra Navavarana puja was.....What a journey it has been in the past 1 year !!".......I had an urge to participate in the pujas this year too.....

SHE: Ashuddha bhakti

Me: Right!....I forgot about it....Thanks for the reminder Lalithamba...

And I wondered how Sri Bhaskararaya makhi looked, because he had so apparently "sat on my shoulders" to remind me of my ashuddha bhakti....I remembered seeing a picture of him on aacharya's Facebook page but was not able to find it......So, I googled his image and the only 'image' that cameup was a picture of aacharya

SHE: Now you know who your aacharya is...



I was also reminded of a conversation that I had with aacharya a while ago and though I don't exactly remember what my question was, I think it was something like "How does one know when one is THERE, ONE with IT?"......I remember exactly what aacharya's response was "The question does not arise".

Navarathri was about to begin and the urge to participate in the pujas was still there and only getting stronger.....I wondered "Lalithamba, I don't want ANYTHING from YOU, but just a chance to participate in YOUR pujas...I don't have ANYTHING to ask of YOU".....How was I to know what to do?.....So, I thought I'll check with my husband & let him make the decision

My husband: Didn't you already have some pujas done a few months ago?? Why another one?

Me: Didn't you already receive a paycheck last month?? Why do you need another paycheck this month??

My husband: This is just going to lead to another argument.

Me: No. It won't...If you say no, there'll be no pujas and this 'item' will go on to "your list" of "how things happened the way you wanted it".

My husband:  {After a while}...Fine, you do what you want within a budget of "X" rupees and add this "item" to "your list" of "how things happened the way you wanted it" !!!



Navarathri was to begin in 2 days & my family signedup to sponsor the Srichakra Navavarana puja for 3 days ---- one day each for Durga devi, Sri Lakshmi & Saraswati at the Hindu temple of St. Louis ....The next day as I was browsing the Devipuram website, I noticed that there were homas offered during Navarathri and anyone could sponsor it....I called them right away and requested for the Lalitha homam, Vag Devata homam & Dasa Maha Vidya homam.....Why did I choose those homas??....Because I felt-like-it.

During Navarathri, I did the only thing that I had time for - chant the Khadgamala stotra in the morning and at the end of it say "I'm chanting this just to make YOU happy Lalithamba..I don't have anything to ask of YOU....And I don't want YOUR sword....Here, take it back".....I had also finished drawing another Srichakra and it came out very well.....I thought about a few people to send this to and scanned it & emailed it to them....I also felt-like-sending the Srichakra to Mr. Vidyaakar at Udavum Karangal - a non-profit center for humane services....English meaning of "Udavum Karangal" = Helping hands......I've been associated with Mr Vidyaakar for the last 10 years and felt that SHE, who is the "Mother of all" could very well go to Udavum Karangal this Navarathri & be the MOTHER of all the people there....We do visit their center at Thiruverkadu, Chennai wheneever we visit India and it's the most beautiful place to be.....So, I also emailed it to Mr Vidyaakar along with a brief decription of "what-a-Srichakra-is" and requested that he share it with all members and all offices of Udavum Karangal.

A few nights, during Navarathri, I was suddenly wide-awake at around 1am...

Me: BRAHMAN, why did YOU wake me?....I told YOU to wake me up at 3.30am {Yes, I tell BRAHMAN that, so that incase I don't hear my morning alarm, atleast BRAHMAN will wake me up}......I'm not YOU BRAHMAN.....I can't function with just 4 hours of sleep...I don't understand how YOU can be awake all the time......Why did YOU wake me  now?

An inner voice: They are doing the homam at Devipuram

  

And it happened on 3 days during Navarathri, when those 3 homas were scheduled-to-be-done at Devipuram.

One Navarathri evening, as I was preparing the evening dinner, my thoughts were oscillating between Lalithamba & Adi Shankaracharya....

Me: O Lalithamba, isn't it because YOU were with Sankaracharya that he was able to answer & defeat all those people in spiritual debates. Isn't it because YOU verily sat on Sri Bhaskararachrya's shoulder, that he is recognised even today as a great Srividya Upasaka....Isn't it because of YOUR grace that an uneducated what-seemed-like-a-foolish person like Kalidasa became Maha kavi Kaalidasa.....Why do YOU not do the same to me too? Why are YOU not with me? YOU are being partial...It's not fair...

Pat came HER response: Adi Shankaracharya never questioned MY WILL....He never hesitated when I asked him to do something...How many times have I instinctly told you to write down your experiences..Have you done it yet?

What do I do, when SHE so clearly has me cornered...I had no answer except being silent {for a while at least}..

Me: Lalithamba, I'm scared...I don't have the spiritual knowledge to backup my writings. What do I do if people question me? I don't know Sanskrit & can't even seem to correctly remember where I read what...

SHE: Didn't you just say that Kalidasa was a foolish person before MY grace?

Me: Silence...I still scared amma....

SHE: During the Deva tharpanam & Rishi tharpanam, didn't you say "How can there be darkness when there is a million watt bulb with me?

Me: {Thinking} I did say that, didn't I?

SHE: What's the point of you listening non-stop to Bhavani Ashtakam if you haven't yet learnt to surrender?

Me: Will YOU be with me always like the way YOU were with Adi Shankaracharya?

Silence

Me: You just told me the answer, didn't YOU?....That Adi Shankaracharya never questioned YOUR WILL....Ok...I'll do as YOU say, but  before I do that, can I test YOU? I agree that this is me still questioning YOU, but I want to be sure that it's really YOU & not just my thoughts wandering.....Remember last month, I read on that blog about Bala {Bala Tripura Sundari}.....That lady had written that Bala came in her dream & she had tried to lift HER but it was impossible because SHE was so heavy!!.... Well, if Bala - the daughter is heavy, how come YOU O Lalithamba were able to sit on Bhaskararachrya's shoulder? I'm unable to understand this.

SHE: The answer lies in Khadgamala Stotram....Remember the different Siddhis? Anima siddhi, Lagima Siddhi, Garima Siddhi etc.....Bala, in that lady's dream was exhibiting Garima Siddhi - Siddhi of being heavy and ME while sitting on Bhaskararachrya's shoulder was exhibiting Lagima Siddhi - Siddhi of being lighter than air

Me: 

     

     

Ofcourse, such a simple answer...One more question....I had read that once you have a Guru, before one embarks on something new, one has to consult with his/her Guru...Doesn't that mean that I need my Guruji's permission & blessing before I start writing down my experiences? Can I start writing after I meet him in India in the next few weeks?

SHE: What did Guruji tell you during your online classes? What did he tell you during the very 1st class??

Me: That he was always with us and there has never been a moment when he wasn't....He had also asked us not to compare with others...He had said "You dont have to worry why I asked person 'X" to do "A,B,C" and "Y" to do "D,E,F"...What's right for "X" need not be so for "Y"

SHE: Ditto

Me: {Still not entirely convinced that I should start writing before I personally checked with Guruji}

SHE: What did you think when Guruji said "That he was always with us and there has never been a moment when he wasn't"?

Me: I had thought, "The only person who has always been with me, lifetime-after-lifetime is my atma- a form of BRAHMAN....If Guruji says he's always been with me, it means that he's refering to my atman = BRAHMAN"

SHE: What was his response when someone questioned him about praying to Guru Padukaas on top of one's head?

Me: Guruji had said " Whose's head?...Your head??...His head??...Her head?....My head??" and also something about not to take it to literally mean on top of one's head..I can't recall his exact words.

SHE: What did Guruji say about what his thoughts were when Siddha Guru Swaprakashananda gave him all the mantras?? And what was Siddha Guru's answer to Guruji's question?

Me: That his first question to his Siddha Guru was "How will it work when you are in Anakapallae and I'm going to be in Bombay? To which Siddha Guru Swaprakashananda asked him "Don't you think the mantras have the power to guide you?"

Silence

Me: 

   

"Don't you think the mantras have the power to guide you?" Are YOU guiding me like the way YOU guided Guruji??

Silence

Me: So, If Guruji = BRAHMAN who has always been with me; if YOU in the form of the mantras are guiding me, then it is ok for me to start writing?... Now, what was Guruji's answer to the "Guru Padukaas on top of one's head" question?....Didn't he say something about how the Guru is always with us, within us, guiding us?

Ok...I'm going to start writing and tomorrow being Vijayadasami, makes it all the more special.

Guruji, I send this email to you on Vijayadasami, as a token of gratitude for your teachings....All this is, because of YOUR grace & guidance...

And so started the writings......All this is, because of my Guruji's grace & guidance....

At your feet Guruji,

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

My conversations with HER - Part 7

My conversations with HER - Part 7 – Written on 6th November 2011

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

(Cont) The happenings upto June 2011

One day, I landed on this webpage of the Devipuram website and I thought "Let me write to the email id & check to see if they still have Merus available".......So, I sent an email & asked about the merus, specifically asked them if I can keep the Devipuram meru at home even though Guru Amritananada was not my Guru  {See Guruji what SHE made me do, but then again I did nothing Guruji.....It was all HER doing}...I received a reply with a pdf document that I was told would answer all my questions.....I didn't realize it then, but the SUN was beginning to rise....Anything related to Guruji so clearly answered all my doubts.....

Now, the next BIG hurdle......To convince my husband to buy it....I knew that it would be difficult and as I rightly thought, he said " Until now, you were mad after rudhraksha and now this thing called Meru.....Why is it that you choose to believe everyone else other than me?"......I couldn't exactly tell him why but I just so deeply felt it.....How can I explain something that I can only feel??

{As I type this:
SHE: Now you know why I was silent when you asked me all those questions about BRAHMAN....How can I explain something that I can only feel??

Me:  Not a "good enough" answer Lalithamba.....Atleast "not good enough" for me......Wait and see how I, who is IT explain about IT...

Flashback on - All those questions about BRAHMAN:

It was just a few days before I met Guruji online.....It was really frustrating that anyone I asked about BRAHMAN was silent.....I wondered, "Who are YOU BRAHMAN and why don't people respond when I ask about YOU??....How come YOU are in fire and in water??.....On Earth and in Sky??...... And what's all that about "One who knows IT doesn't talk about IT and one who talks about IT doesn't know IT".....I have, but just read 7 out of the 8 Upanishads book....And there are a 108 Upanishads!!!!.....Each one quoting the other......It took YOU 108 Upanishads to describe what YOU ARE NOT ---- "Neti neti" ---"Not this, not this"....Isn't that how the Upanishads describe YOU??......Couldn't YOU have done it in just one book, to say WHAT YOU ARE?....When I find YOU, I'm not going to be one of those people who say "One who knows IT doesn't talk about IT and one who talks about IT doesn't know IT"........Note my point BRAHMAN, I said "When I find YOU".......Not "IF I find YOU"......{Little did I realize that I would be 'reminded' of this sentence in September 2011 and I would, after describing IT, realize that one would have to take up an identity to describe BRAHMAN......The very fact that "I" am describing BRAHMAN means that "I" have stepped out from THAT ONENESS state, to take up an identity, to be "someone" who describes IT.}

In some of the online forums and online groups that I was reading, on the Vedic wisdom yahoo group site, there was a discussion about some siddhis-to-be-gained when chanting some mantras and I had thought "What's the use of these siddhis?......Let me quote from the above site {by the way, SHE tells me that PVR Narasimha, who is the owner of this yahoo group is a Realized Being and I will be "working with him" on my "giving-something-back-to-the-society" project}:

BEGIN QUOTE:
"Let us use the analogy of climbing a hill. Climbing hill is one's spiritual sadhana. Reaching the top is liberation. Different people climb the hill from different sides and using different paths. There may be trees with nice fruits on the sides of the road. They are siddhis or special abilities.

If one gets distracted, starts climbing the trees and collecting fruits, one's journey gets delayed and one may not reach the top. That is why Vasishtha says a seeker of Self does not pursue any siddhis.

But if some fruits fall in one's lap by themselves, one can keep them. Similarly, siddhis that come to one by themselves can be accepted by a seeker of Self.

Now an important distinction:

There are some trees that are found at lower altitudes also, but some really special trees are found at very high altitudes only. If one has such a fruit, it shows that one has climbed great heights. Similarly, some siddhis do not mean much, but some siddhis are very special and only really elevated sadhakas can obtain them (whether by trying or without trying). If a sadhakas demonstrates such a siddhi, you can see that one progressed a lot. However, the key is that one who climbed the same or more distance may not have that or any other fruit."

END QUOTE

I had thought "BRAHMAN is my goal....I do not want any siddhis...I don't want to be distracted.....I've wasted enough lifetimes, no more."......So I had told HER " Lalithamba, please don't give me ANY siddhis....I just don't want it....What am I going to do with it?.....DON'T GIVE ME ANY SIDDHIS"...I then remembered something else that I had read ----

When Ramakrishna Paramahamsa proposed to give his siddhis to Swami Vivekananda, He asked whether the siddhis will enable him to realize God... Ramakrishna said No... Vivekananda firmly declined the offer then! Of course, when Ramakrishna gave them anyway later, he accepted them.

I thought LALITHA means "playful one"....SHE's played enough with my life.....What if SHE gives me siddhis anyway???....So, I told HER

"Lalithamba, irrespective of me telling YOU not to give me any siddhis, if YOU still give them to me, then in addition to whatever YOU want to give me, I ask one more thing.....IF YOU give me any siddhis, then please also give me one additional item ----- that I may forget that I have these so called Siddhis.....Until it's the right time, until I'm THERE - ONE WITH BRAHMAN, until someone comes along to remind me about the siddhis....Wasn't Hanuman reminded of HIS powers by the "what's-his-name" minister of Sugreeva?....Wasn't it after this reminder that HE was able to cross over to Lanka to find Sita Devi??.....Yes....Please make me forget....I know this may sound "wierd" to YOU, me asking YOU for "selective amnesia" but no more distractions Lalithamba...Absolutely no more distractions."

And whenever I listened to the Khadgamala stotra {before and after meeting Guruji online}, I would tell HER " What am I going to do with YOUR sword ---- Here take it back.....I don't want it....I just want to practically experience BRAHMAN.....I want to make YOU happy Lalithamba so that when I reach YOU, when I am at (n-1) then the next step is BRAHMAN......(n-1) + 1 = n = BRAHMAN....Are you happy Lalithamba?? What does it take to make YOU happy??

As I type this:

SHE: Who reminded you about Devi Bhagavatham, when you were crying sitting in your office long ago??

Me: Some website

SHE: Who reminded you to wear rudhrakshas?

Me: That website - the Devi Bhagavatham.....Reading about rudhraksha on Devi Bhagavatham.

SHE: Who took you to the rudhrakshas?

Me: That website – Rudhraksha Ratna

SHE: Who told you initially about the 'drawing' Srichakra?

Me: Aacharya

SHE: Who told you about Devipuram?

Me: Aacharya

SHE: What led you to the Meppad Sampradaya?

Me:   That website

SHE: Who led you to Guruji?

Me: Google and Devipuram website.

SHE: Who reminded you about Varahi even though aacharya had mentioned on his Facebook note that it was during the Varahi Navarathri that the Kumbhabhishekam of Sri Shankaracharya Temple was held?

Me: Arjunaacharya of Meppad Temple.

SHE: Who reminded you that it was the "Maha Sodasi mantra" and not the "Sodasi" mantra that Guruji gave you?

Me: Arjunaacharya of Meppad Temple { Thank you Arjunaacharya, for if you hadn't asked me, I wouldn't have realized it...Sorry Guruji, see what a fool I am?...I was distracted with my 3 year old son Pranav bothering me that I only heard the "Sodasi" part that you mentioned....

While on my way back from Devipuram, I was chanting the "what-I-thought-was-the-Sodasi" mantra and I counted the letters....

Me: There are more than 16 letters in this mantra...How could this be Sodasi?......But if I take the 15 letter Panchadasi as just 3 letters, then the count comes to 16....Maybe this is the way "Sodasi" is counted......How do I know??...They keep these mantras so secret.... What does it matter, if this is what Guruji asked me to chant all the time, it's good enough for me....

A few days later, when talking to Arjunaacharya over the phone, after a few discussions:

Arjunaacharya: Was it the Sodasi or Maha Sodasi mantra?

Me: I don't know the difference between the two.

Arjunaacharya: {Chanted the Maha Sodasi mantra}

Me: That's the one

Arjunaacharya: Did Guruji give you a new name?

Me: No

After my conversation with Arjunaacharya, as I was contemplating our talks:

Me: Why did Arjunaacharya ask me if Guruji had given me a new name?? Isn't that done during the "poorna abishekam" of Srividya -  when one has 'graduated' from the school of Srividya?? There was no "abishekam" done to me?? Why did Arjunaacharya ask me that question? Surely he knows what he is talking about...What's the difference between Sodasi and Maha Sodasi mantra??...I must "google" it .}

SHE: And what website did you find the answer on??

Me: A few days later, on the very same website that led me to the Meppad Sampradaya.

SHE: Who reminded YOU of YOUR real nature?

Me: My Guruji  - THE ONE who has always been with ME, THE ONE who said that there was never a time when HE wasn't with ME.

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu