Saturday, March 17, 2012

The greatness of a Guru, the greatness of MY GURUJI

The greatness of a Guru, the greatness of MY GURUJI – Written on 14th January 2012:

Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu

My Dear Guruji,
Where do I begin to even start talking about YOUR glory?. How can I describe in words, what and how much YOU mean to me?
During the course of my spiritual journey, as I read about other people's spiritual experiences and the role that their Guru played in their spiritual life, I had wondered "Will my Guru and I also share the same magical spiritual chemistry? Will I be able to recognize my Guru?". I had asked God innumerable times "Where is my Guru? How much longer should I wait? ". I had read that "When the disciple is ready, the Guru will showup". I had asked HER "Am I still not ready for my Guru? What more do I need to do?" and as soon as I realized the nature of my "ashuddha bhakti", THERE YOU SHOWED UP.

Guruji, I may not have recognized YOU immediately. I may have asked HER "Please let Guru Amritananda be my Guru. Atleast he is Telugu". I may have assumed that "If my in-laws and husband have any questions, Guruji can atleast say, ‘According to our Telugu sampradaya etc etc etc.' " but I now realize that all of those assumptions and thoughts too were HER doing. I now understand "What telugu sampradaya, when it's the Parasurama Kalpasutra sampradaya that I am now a part of."

During my visit to India in October 2011, since I had forgotten to write down the Guru mantra, before I mentally performed the MahaGanapathy tharpanam I would think of YOU and say whatever I remembered of the Guru mantram -- "Something, something...........Sri Annapoornamba sahita, Sri Amritananda natha sriguru sripadukam pujayami tharpayami namaha".

SHE then said: Why do you say "Something, something"? Isn't your Guruji "everything" to you?

I had then said "Everything, everything...........Sri Annapoornamba sahita, Sri Amritananda natha sriguru sripadukam pujayami tharpayami namaha" before I mentally did the MahaGanapathy tharpanam.

During November 2011, I had told my husband that perhaps it's time for us to go back permanently to India, so that I can be closer to YOU....I had thought 
  • I came that close to my Guruji and I didn't even touch HIS feet...If only I had known that it was the Maha Sodasi mantra that Guruji had given me, I would have atleast touched HIS feet....I didn't even get a chance to do that.
  • You received the Maha Sodasi Mantra because you didn't touch HIS feet, because you didn't want to take away any of your Guruji's Shakti.....Not vice-versa.

And as I sat crying, my thoughts:
  • Didn't you say that your Guruji resides in your heart?....You touched HIS heart, you hugged HIM....Isn't that good enough for you? 
  • I want my Guruji...I want to be closer to HIM. 
  • Didn't your Guruji tell you during your very 1st online Srividya class "That he was always with us and there has never been a moment when he wasn't? " 
  • Oh Guruji, why did YOU tell us that?  
  • Are you questioning your Guruji's words?
And that did it....That shut me up.

For the next few days, no matter how I looked at it, it would always end the same way.....My conscious telling me that YOU are with ME, to not get attached to the "physical form of my Guruji".

Guruji, it has taken a while for my state to stabilize...During November & December 2011, as I realized the gift that YOU have given me, my eyes would be filled with tears as I thought of YOU and think: 
  •  Why am I crying as I think of my Guruji? Am I still failing the "practical exam" part of my sadhana?Why am I still not able to remain "neutral" ? 
  • Those are not just tears. Those are tears of bliss --- The bliss of the nectar of immortality.
  •  See Guruji, even my tears are named after YOU --- Amritananda.

During Thanksgiving holidays, here in the USA, as we watched the Christmas parade at a nearby theme park, when Santa Claus walked by and waved, I thought of YOU and YOUR words during the online Srividya class. YOU had described yourself as a "Safeed thadi wala from Vizag" [English meaning: White-bearded guy from Vizag] and I silently told Santa "You are not the only "safeed thadi wala" who gives gifts....There is another ONE, who is in Vizag, India, who has given me a priceless gift".

Guruji, I say this humbly, I now know the inner meaning of Siddha Guru Swaprakasananda's words [on page 45 of the 2006 July Kadambari magazine ]
"Anakapalle Gurugaru, Guruji’s Guru – an avadhoota, an adept in 42 of 64 tantras – said of Guruji in one of his speeches that for his tapas on brahma jnana, he should have been in samadhi forever – but because of Devi’s will, He came to build this temple at Devipuram".
You see Guruji, when I first read those words in July 2011, I had incorrectly thought that SHE had asked YOU to come to Earth to build HER the temple at Devipuram....I now know that SHE - Lalithamba HERSELF, willed to take the form of "YOU - my Guruji" so that the temple at Devipuram could be built and also so that YOU can be my Guru. There is ONE other such great Yogi - the great Sage Govindapada, whose 1000 year-old-samadhi was broken due to the arrival of a "young boy monk" - Adi Shankaracharya.

Guruji, in the last one year, during my "research" on Srividya, I may have turned to HER & HER VIDYA to seek a daughter because I had felt that my life was "incomplete" without a daughter and I realized that SHE is the "daughter" that I have been missing.

In the past one year, I have come across various articles, websites, forumns, people etc. I have seen various kinds of reaction about HER VIDYA. People have told me all sorts of things -- on how only very few people are worthy of HER VIDYA, to how USA is not a land that is suitable for HER sadhanas etc. I am now grateful for that experience. Why??....Because I now see YOUR greatness, how absolutely perfect YOU are. At a phase when I was so angry with HER for all HER rules, there SHE came --- in YOUR form, leading me right into HER arms. Two great Brahmarishis - my Guruji and my Siddha Guru Swaprakasananda, who 100% believed in the power of HER mantras to give them away and along came I, with my "selective amnesia" to prove that you can be given the Maha Sodasi Mantra itself but unless SHE wills it, one will not know what one has.

During the last few days, I had wondered:
  • I don't even know the Guru mantra by-heart. 
  • Why do you need it when your Guru is in your heart? 
  • I didn't get a chance to do any seva to my Guruji....I have not served HIM at all. 
  • Didn't you describe your Guruji as BRAHMAN ITSELF ?. In your tarpanams, didn't you ask "ANY forms of BRAHMAN, ALL forms of BRAHMAN in the 14 worlds" to merge into LIGHT ? Have you not been offering all the merits of your sadhanas to BRAHMAN ?. Did you not chant the Maha Sodasi Mantra and give deeksha "not just to MOTHER EARTH but the entire COSMOS"?. What other way do you want to serve your Guruji?
It has taken me 2 months to "slowly become steady". To see YOU in ME --- as MY inner Guru.

During the early phase of my spiritual journey I had wondered "How could I be such a fool to come back to Earth? Why did I ever take re-birth again?". I would tell myself "Never come back again. Nothing on Earth is worth it". Guruji, I say this humbly, I say this in a "dual mode", I now know the reason why I'm here. I followed YOU Guruji. Wherever is the Guru, there is the disciple and YOU know what Guruji, Earth was once again worth it. Until ONE realizes that the real eternal Guru is WITHIN and then everything else just withers away.

Ironically enough, my spiritual journey started with a quest for "moksha" ( freedom from birth and death ) and it ended with a realization that there is no such thing as moksha. When ONE realizes the SELF, ONE also realizes that moksha itself is an illusion. No wonder it is said that for one to be initiated properly into Srividya/Tantra, it must be one's last birth on Earth. Even this sentence is symbolic.

In the early phase of my spiritual journey I had wondered "Me being a western educated, jeans-pant wearing woman, will I be able to experience the magical bond that a Guru and disciple share?". I now know the answer. "What's that?" YOU might ask. Well Guruji, to simply put it, "chemistry" has just been renamed as the "bond between a Guru and a disciple".
My savior, my BEST FRIEND, my Guru Sri Amritananda.

At YOUR feet Guruji, the feet that are WITHIN ME and the feet outside that I haven’t yet had the chance to touch.
Om Tat Sat Brahmaarpanamastu